Rounding Up

2008 is coming to an end. I guess I should close this blog soon as well. A lot of things have happened this year. I gained a lot and well lost too.

Looking back.. my happiest deeds of the year include meeting Joon. She's been a really great friend so far and I appreciate her. I'm really glad to have met up with Kristy too after so long. However it was a series of misfortunes that brought us together again but sister.. u're always in my heart and prayers yah.

Should I talk bout the saddest moments too? But it was sthg that once made me very happy too. Difficult to classify bah. He stopped contacting me le. Maybe my point got across, maybe he became pissed or maybe he gave up too.

Nevertheless... I guess i won't forget.

L.O.V.E

Perhaps all of us define this word differently. Or our parameters are different. But i cannot see how you can continually tell me that you love me.. That u want me to know that u love me..

I've told you before.. How difficult it is for me to tell someone that I love the person. I haven't been able to for the longest time. Yet i could.. to you. I've tried seeing other people becos I know logically that we cannot and will not last long. So i have to keep my options open. Becos i need someone to be there for me. But ultimately I still cannot. I'd always feel guilty or feel like i'm cheating on you or sthg. And most of all, I dun feel anything towards them. Anger, resentment, guilt yes. Love... definitely not.

When i saw ur msg that u saw me at COntrol, i kept playing the msg and scenes in my head. WOndering where and when u saw me.. Wondering what flight u're doing.. And how could I have missed seeing you. Well quite possible since i'm blur most of the time. Then i realise it's for the better. Cos.. i dun think i can see you, walk away and still do my Del.

You keep telling me you know it hurts. But it's for my own good. That i'll be happier this way. First of all.. how do you know i was happier b4? I told you there're many different forms of happiness. Why do you have the right to decide for me? So you know it hurts? Then u continually smsing me is not helping isn't it? You want me to forget right? To move on right?

A lot of times I wanted to reply.. To tell you how wrong you are. To tell you everything on my mind. But what's the point? There is still no light at the end of the tunnel.. I know why u still msg me despite ur talk. I know how it feels. I wouldn't know how i'd react if u stop contact totally. So i cannot control you. I can only restrict myself.

I still love you. If today you tell me u will leave her as long as i give u time. I will still do it. But i know it wouldn't happen. So why perpetuate the cycle? I know if i reply you now we'd just go through all these 1 more time. Will it make a difference?

You claim to love me. That is not the kind of love i want or can accept. Becos when i say i love you, you're more important to me than myself.

Nightmare

I finally got a msg from him. Was sleeping cos too tired from CMB. Around midight he smsed that it's hurtful but it has to be.. He wants me to be happier. That she's in dxb now.

I read it and it stung. But was too tired. Then i had a dream.. I dreamt that we were doing a flt. Then his wife showed up.. Something like this trip. The whole set plus her went on a tour of some sorts. Me and this fss fell through a shaft about 2 m. When we tried to stand up we fell further.

I hurt my back and there were cuts and gashes everywhere. Cos the flooring was wood and the splinters tore into me. My back hurt very bad and i couldn't move. I was crying very loudly and someone from my crew saw us. Everyone rushed over except for him and her. Someone had to carry me cos i couldn't walk at all.

Was sobbing for him and somehow all the crew knew about our situation. Eventually someone told them we were injured and they came. She was watching how he'd react so he wasn't very concerned. I dunno why in my dream Jo was there. He said some things to Jo in Malay and she replied very furious. I never got a chance to ask her what he said.

And then he stood up and they left. My tears just dropped as I watched them leave. My heart felt so pained that I woke up.. =(

Then i start reading and re-reading and reading the sms. It's always the same thing. U telling me u want me to be happier.. Me saying i am happy but sometimes I just need assurance blahblah. U didn't have to tell me she's there. I dunno if u were scared i'll reply or call u or sthg but... It only tells me 1 fact. That really.. it's all about whether u wanna do it or not.

I rem u were saying u have ur token with u and no laptop and how difficult it's gonna be to buy staff travel tickets and such. But u did it anyway.. Whether u wanted to or had to or was obliged to, u did it. That's the most important thing.. I can't even get u to msn with me outstation.

Sister: Thanks for ur sms. I'm okie.. I will be. Maybe i'm used to it already.. All the disappointment and heart-heavyness. It's like i forgot when was the last time i truly loved someone and that someone loved me too. I know u're gonna say Chris but i never did felt he loved me as much as I do.

I don't compare myself to you at all. Becos u're much much stronger and braver. What u've gone through.. I wouldn't even wish upon my enemies. Babe.. u're so resilient it's an inspiration. Me? I brought most of this upon myself. It was a choice that i made. Which is why u'll never hear me complain.

I've never blamed him or felt cheated and such. Of late i always wonder why i don't give other pple a chance. My grip was that IF i logically know there's no light at the end of this tunnel then when a better guy comes along I should jump right? But i didn't and still don't.. Which is what i can't understand.

But.. i gather he feels as if he's holding me back. That i'm dissatisfied or unhappy with whatever little he can give. I'm tired of trying to distinguish the two. Tired of always explaining myself.

I can still drop anything and everything for you.

But... And then what?

Relief...?

I have this very strong feeling that relief will be the top most emotion for you. That you don't have to lie or worry or juggle anymore. My friends all feel that you're just getting rid of me. I dun wanna think that.

I guess it doesan't really matter to me why u keep pushing me away. The fact is u did. I remember i told you once that I'll never leave you... until the day you dun want me anymore. U said u won't. But it happened.

Well i already said what i wanted to. I know the situation. I'm aware of the can-s and cannot-s. But if you really think that I can put up with everything just cos I accepted the situation then u're wrong. I'm human. You are too. Just like u know what u're doing is wrong. Why do u do it anyway?

Nevertheless... yup it's over. I didn't get drunk. I thought i would stay in bed and like cry for 2 days but i didn't. I just accepted it. Cos i think i've clung on enough. I've tried to convince you to hang on with me long enough. Everytime i feel uneasy or need assurance I end up persuading you to stay with me. Funnie isn't it...

Till now i can't bear to delete your msgs. Maybe not today. Or tomorrow. Or the day after. But yup I know 1 day i will.

I tink I got called up for a reason. I met Celest. And cos of the things we shared... that night was the first time in a very long while i actually went for brekkie after partying. And i sent my frenz home too. And i had the courage to accept it and not fight it when u said let's end this.

I dun think i'm ready to walk together with God again yet. But He came back into my life in a very unobtrusive way. I'm not sure that He'll stay for good or that I won't falter again. But i still firmly believe... that things happened for a reason.

You showed me that i can love someone again. It's just whether I want to or not. Thank you for everything.

Humdrum..

Haven't posted for a while.. Well cos basically my life's all bout work, drinking, mahjong and more work, even more alcohol and mahjong.

I have tons of pics i don't rem taking in my phone. Guess i really put my Omnia to good use haha. Every morning i wake up i have to look at pics and my smses to recollect what happened. So yeah my new phone is really worth it. =p

I keep saying am not gonna drink anymore, am not gonna go down anymore, am not gonna entertain those pple anymore. But i end up doing all of the above and more anyway. Sick of it... Sick of those pple. EVeryone there's so fakey and complicated and abandon-e-old-for-e-new. I'm old news. Pple are used to seeing me there. Pple wanna know my gfs instead.

That's good.. Just leave me alone. I think i'm screwed there anyway. Reaching the limit... No more drinking and going down... Soon.

If i ever get so bored i might just post up the pics hahaha. Now.. onto my ever gripping problem. The love of my life...

Tried super duper fuper hard to change flights but.. the last resort would be dxb-dme. But u noe i have a prob with dxb.. Sigh.. I thought about it. At some point in time i prolly have to face it. Especially if i wanna stay long. So.. at least he'll be there with me if anything happens.. right?

But the logical part of me feel like slapping myself cos nobody's worth that risk. Right? Sigh i dunno.. I told Baby the other day that the whole SAT thingy made me realise how.. little general knowledge pple around me hold. And my previous whinings about having wasted time changing airlines etc has given me a new perspective on things.

With the economic downturn, it's a blessing in disguise that my contract is not up for renewal next year. WHich would have been if i'd kept my s/n. Dxb opened up my eyes and mind to a lot of things. I really feel exposed. The humdrum and repetitive nature of my job and life has clouded that advantage. So much so that I thought I lost that edge. But... yes knowing that Paris has 2 airports and knowing the names of the airport does not make me a better person than you or the next Jane. But it makes me feel better about myself.

I AM NOT A BIMBO. You're just not privy to seeing how brilliant i am. ;)

These couple of days I marvelled at how much I've changed over these 3 years. And I'm not at all happy about it. Looking at old photos.. of my own and friends, I realised that I lost that confident and easy going nature. I worry a lot nowadays. I whine a lot but I don't do anything about it. Basically I'm stuck.. in a rut i created for myself. I've made myself powerless and aimless.

It struck me yesterday when Waves was down when I wanted to CICO. I just sat there and stared and waited. I could see pple all around me craning their necks to see if others are having the same problem. SO i just sat there. And waited and waited. And i realise that this is wat my life has been about for the last couple of years. Waiting.

Waiting for someone, waiting for something. The kind of passive-ness that I never used to have.. My life WAS always filled with programmes and activities. Always sthg to be done, pple to meet, classes to attend, appointments to go for. All.. while earning half of what i'm bringing back now. But yet i'm more broke than ever today.

I've made too many excuses for myself. And i simply lack the self-discipline and motivation to follow through nowadays. If i were doing sales/marketing/insurance like my gfs i would have died. I know my problem but i don't seem to be solving it. These few days i keep telling myself. Zuo hui zi ji. Get my life back in order and back on track.

How?

All the same...

Been drinking truckloads lately. Dunno whether just to pass time or to make myself sleep better. It's true actually.. Everytime i drink i zzz very well.

Yesterday was DF anniversary. I didn't make it for the party.. But after that was horrible. Totally lost image. And that's when i realise.... they're all the same. ALL.

I dunno when was it that.. I just lost hope.. In love and men. I know i won't meet any good guys there. And well i don't expect to. But i don't like them toying or taking advantage of girls. Well just me actually hahaha...

=(

Age

Was looking at some of my ex-friends (haha) blogs and pictures and I realised something...

We've all aged. Some put on weight.. None lost actually and the scary part is..... we all look older!! As in we really lost that youthfulness.. that glow... Sigh!

I'm old!!

First 345

I'm back!!

Lucky to have worked with the nicer CS both sectors. Recently i've realised increasingly that.. well it really is an advantage if you're born good-looking. Coupled with a good attitude etc.. people are more forgiving and tend to cut you some more slack. Anyway.. my crew were nice too.. Those in my galley anyway =p

On the way back IFE was down. The whole 18 hrs.. We worked our ass off and well at least the pax were appreciative. And everyone worked. Everyone in my galley anyway..

I went to Jersey Gardens again.. to kill time basically. Bought my Bebe tees and impulsively bought too much shampoo and Dermalogica. Sigh.. Now i have 4l of shampoos and conditioners sitting in my bathroom. =p

Met Nick and his set for breakfast. His gs looked familiar.. Think we flew tog before and he found me familiar too. Well 3 of us ended up drinking in Nick's room.. at 9am in the morning! Haha.. while waiting for shops to open. I didn't have much cos it was check-out day for me. Was quite fun watching Zathura and drinking and talking cock.

Throughout the 3 days.. i kept thinking if i shd change flight. If it were in the past i would have. And even if i can't do the direct i would have changed for the 4 sector to meet him there. I dunno if i'm just becoming more logical or simply losing it. Nothing seems to matter anymore...

I'm sleepy..

Spillage

I guess i've been too pre-occupied with my thoughts of him and it began overspilling.. and those that I didn't trust before became privy to the knowledge regarding him. That's not good.. Well at least they don't know who he is.

Yeah they pretend to be interested and sympathetic but after some time pple start to judge. But who are you to judge? When you don't understand how I feel? When you're juggling men yourself? When you swear blind you won't go back to the one who's cheated on you and you did? When you get attached to someone you barely know and just met?

Haha i sound like i'm stepping on the toes of everyone in the world but I don't really care anymore. I know who're the supportive ones and who really cares bout me. And i can differentiate those who're just out for gossip material and think that I'm being stoopid. You're not me nor him. I would love to say U wait till u're in the same situation then u would understand. But well i won't wish this kinda thing on anyone so... just STFU.

I was gonna blog bout what transpired via sms yesterday but.. I'm sick of it all. Been having thoughts of running away again recently. Haha.. yeah i know it doesn't help. It didn't in the past and i doubt it will now. I guess that's the power of age and experience. Wisdom and knowledge...

I Feel...

I feel rejected.
I feel empty.
I feel like a zombie.
I feel as if you don't want me or this or us anymore.
I feel that you're just waiting for me to say it, to make the first move.
I feel helpless.

So what I'm feeling... Is it the reality?

Intuition

I'm beginning to trust my intuition more and more. I had this feeling that he's back. This morning when he smsed me.. the whole day.. I felt so lost. So helpless.. Like an empty shell walking around. EVery single thought was bout him and what to do.

I guess part of my not-talking-bout-him meant i swept everything under the carpet. Now it's time to do some housekeeping and all these crumbs are making me miserable. I think i've disected and whined and analysed everything to pieces and I still dunno what to do.

When he smsed a couple of times and I didn't reply i wondered why he didn't call. When he did, i didn't dare pick up. I really dunno what to do. N i actually felt scared. Scared of repeating the whole cycle again. In the end I caved in as usual.

He said he's trying for my ewr. I dunno at which point in time.. I started wondering continually that.. things that he does.. Is it cos he wants to do it? Or he feels obligated to. THen i told him honestly that I was home but didn't noe wat to say. I used to really look forward to 345 until I realise that well he prolly knows a lot more pple there. And our time together will be limited to 4 walls again.

I fell asleep just now. Cos was cramping very badly.. I dunno y but the cramps are getting worse again. N i feel dizzy. And i get this need to sit/squat/lie down. Am glad will be at STC instead for the next few days..

Anyway.. so when i got up.. i miss him like crazy. So i texted him that. And then i realised.. for almost 2 weeks.. he just disappeared from my life. When he finally came back.. there were no I-miss-yous or how-have-u-beens.. I feel so invisible.. Like that time in the tpe hotel. I was on the bed watching tv.. well i was actually watching him go about his stuff. And it hit me that... at that moment.. if u just cut me out of the picture.. He'll still be going about his chores. And nothing will change. I'm that dispensable..

Today i kept fighting the urge to reply him. I have this constant fear.. that he thinks i'm throwing tantrums. I always worry.. that if i don't reply him and it happens that he can meet me. Then he wouldn't. And i won't get to see him again for who noes how long. I noe i should put a stop to this. It shouldn't be like this but...

I dunno when is it that.. We're no longer happy together. Maybe i should rephrase it. I'm very happy when i'm with him. But when he's not with me, it's many times more depressing than the happiness it brought. And with regards to him.. He always gives me this impression that I'm suffocating him. That i'm pressurizing him.

Baby.. if u happen to read this sometime... Today i didn't pick up cos i was scared. I'm scared that I would tell u i wanna see u. WHich i do. Very much. But i dunno what will happen when i see u. I told myself.. if i continue seeing you after all this... it means i'm accepting all that has happened. And i won't throw tantrums anymore. To acheive that.. it would mean.. i won't care as much anymore too.

And i'm afraid i can't. I can't make myself not care bout you. And yet i can't make myself ignore u. Recently u keep asking if i'm unhappy. I really dunno? Cos i am happy with you. That's what's important to me. But i feel i can't make u happy... which makes me upset in return. DO u understand?

I told myself.. during the period.. from ur dinner till yesterday.. IF u attempt to contact me.. As long as you attempt.. I will be with u. But the reality is.. like every other time.. All u can say is sorry. I don't need your sorrys.. there's nothing to be sorry about too. I should have expected this. But.. have u ever wondered what happened to me while u were away? Have u ever thought bout what's happenening to me?

Increasingly.. I find it hard to believe that u love and u care bout me.. when u keep doing things like this. But.. who am I kidding? I can't even remember the last time u said u love me.. or u miss me.. or feel that u really care about me.

='(

Movie Outing

Well i wanted to catch Wall.E and i asked Shyan if he wanted to watch. Gey kiang me went to suggest we should bring Luke along and Ling agreed! So we went to watch the 10.30am show at Lido this morning. And i got home at 7am after ktv!

Anyway the little monster is cute as the devil as usual. And it felt very heart-warming that.. despite not seeing him for half a year, he still loves me and likes to stick to me. In fact he wants to sit next to me at the theatre, at the restaurant, must play with him when we got home etc.

Ling and auntie are still very nice and friendly towards me. Well they're nice folks. Pity Michael got sucked down with the whole Lehman thing. Well with his expertise i'm sure he can find another job soon.

Dwayne coercing me to go Pasir ris park drink now but am really tired. Will have to pass.. Don't feel like drinking anymore anyway. I just feel empty... If only my room feels the same way lol.

Okie i'm not laughing... =(

What's Left...

Last night i realised that... Ever since he broke the news to me and i cried before the BKK, i never did cry bout it again.

Aiai invited me prawning with Janson and i brought chris along too. As usual chris started his nonsense but well i never stopped thinking bout him or it. I kept looking at the clock.

Towards the end of his dinner.. I told Dwayne i'm not gonna talk bout him anymore, that i'll try my best. But past midnight.. I dunno why i started crying. Maybe finally the reality of it all set in. Or maybe the secret hope that I'd been cherishing.. that he'd sms me.. even a couple of words... that hope vanished.

I know it's crazy to even think about it. Cos it'll be a busy day and well.. i think it'll be quite disrespectful to his wife but.. I dunno.. I keep telling myself he's busy and he'll be tired. But i can't shake off the feeling that... end of the day it's just how much u want to.

Like how easy it is to send an sms in the bus before nodding off to sleep.. How easy it is to sms in between sleeping periods.. It's just a matter of how much effort u wanna put in. Isn't it?

Anyway they're off now.. I wanted to check out their studio photos.. but i realised that he's restricted his friendster and facebook to friends only. And so has she. Maybe it's for the better. Maybe after this all these emotions and feelings won't be that raw anymore. Maybe i'll start to give up.

I started packing my room. Just clearing out the stuff from my table fills up half a huge trash bag. I think this project would be on-going for sometime. And hopefully it takes my mind off things. But the budget at 5000 is a little high isn't it.. Sigh we'll see.

I'll try my hardest not to talk bout him again to anyone. I'll try.

Aftermath

I'm back. We're back.. to our own worlds.

The trip was good generally. Though we did quarrel very badly in LAX.. over Disneyland. Eventually we did go but well it could have been better. Was also the first time that I've ever experienced the same kinda rage and speechlessness I used to feel when quarreling with Chris. I was shocked. Really...

I didn't mean to drink a lot last night. In the end i got so drunk i don't rem how i got home. And i lost my hp. And my house key. So i went to get Omnia when my hangover got a bit better. In fact I was so drunk i don't rem crying. Until Alex msn me this afternoon and asked why i was crying so badly. =(

Dwayne was quite nice.. Entertaining me the whole evening. I guess he's guilty bout ditching me last night. But.. I just don't wanna drink anymore. It doesn't help. Not one bit.. Cos when i wake up with a humongous hangover, I still think about him. Bout what he's doing and how he doesn't have time for me.

Maybe it's better this way.. Maybe after it all.. after he comes back.. the pain and emotions would have lessened. Maybe we don't even have to end it. Maybe it'll just die off..

Becos I realised. It's been a while since he says he loves me and such. Been a while since I felt that.. despite everything he really wants to be with me. All i feel now is that i'm tiring him out.. i'm pressurizing him and he doesn't feel happy with me. Seriously.

The whole trip.. Whenever he sleeps i wake up, just looking at him. And i realise that I do wanna look at him.. for the rest of my life. And even after the quarrel.. when we make peace.. When i WANT to make peace.. I realise again that he can be the one. But.. it's just not meant to be.

I won't make extra effort anymore. I just want... a kind of peace from knowing that.. if we continue it's cos he wants it and not that I'm pushing him. On the other hand I know this can't go on any much longer. I want him but i can't bear to push him away.

It's come to a point whereby i don't wanna think about it anymore. Cos it literally gives me a headache just thinking. Like now....

Insignificance

Well when I touched down this morning and turned on my hp, I realised Kristy smsed me that her daddy passed away.

I was so shocked. she sounded so sad in her sms.. like she's still in disbelief. I feel damn terrible. It's like one blow after another. And i'm gg away later can't go for the wake.

Sister if u're reading this, I'll always be here for you if you need me okie? All of my so called problems are nothing compared to yours. Don't worry bout burdening me or making me worry for you yeah? Cos i do care and so of cos i worry.

When the time is appropriate lemme know when you can meet up.

Apprehension

I keep having mixed feelings bout tmrw.. or rather later. I'm scared.. of a lot of things.

Scared that if i pretend nothing happened and continue to be happy, and i'll be really happy for like maybe 7 out of 8 days, I won't be able to let go. But if you want me to pretend to not know him or ignore him for 8 days.. I'll be damn miserable.

And my greatest fear.. i dunno what gave me this idea.. but i'm very scared he'll suddenly tell me he's come clean with her or he'll just tell me that he wants to stop this. I really dunno...

Managed to run almost all of my errands so I'm glad. Still thinking whether to give away the off days after. I don't wanna be around when... that happens.

On the other hand, I had a very fun FRA. Phewwww i hope it dispels my fra curse. Sidney made it really memorable haha.. And as usual fra is also very happening for me. Luckily this time things happened to others and not me.

I charged my camera, packed my bags. Just waiting... I've decided to let things take its natural course. Be it for good or for bad.. i paid a high price for this opportunity. Whether things turn better or worse after.. its beyond my control. I always remember what someone taught:

I can't force you not to leave me. I can only make it difficult for you to go.

How will it end?

He changed for the flt already.

I dunno whether to feel happy. No matter what i'd rather him than the indian gs but still..

I dunno whether to pretend like nothing happened and just enjoy while it lasts like Mel said. But i'm afraid the last night i'll break down. I definitely will. So if it's all coming to the same end then should be happy instead of ignoring or pretending i dunno him right?

Another reason why i still want you to do the flt with me is that... U remember u promised to go Disney with me? I've never made you nor have u promised me anything. So i hope you keep ur word. Then we'll really not owe each other anything anymore. ='( So i won't have any more reason to bother you.

These 2 days.. my rain keep rationalizing what's gonna happen. A part of me knows this is part of the package and there's really nothing i can do about it. That part of me don't wanna make things difficult for him. Nor do I wanna spoil his day. The other side of me just keeps crying.

I thought bout how the dinner would be like. I wanted to ask where it'll be held but.. I don't dare. I'm giving away my off days for a flight. Any flight.. so that I don't have to be around. I don't wanna be in sg at all.

Baby.. despite everything i still love you. I'm sorrie if ive caused you any pain in the process. I... dunno what to say but that everything is a by-product of my love for you. I keep reminding myself that we both said and agreed... that if ever any 1 party wants to leave.. There' really nothing the other person can do.

It's as if we're at a cross-junction now. If you wanna end this right now.. I'll just have to live with it. It's like a limit for me. If i continue to push this I dunno when it'll end. And i dunno how much i can take or when i'll go mad. And despite everything.. i still love you. And i can't imagine my life without you.

Show me what i should do....

Is this The End?

He offered to send me to work yesterday. I didn't want him to travel up and down esp since he got called up for cgk. But i really wanted to see him even for 10 mins. Looking back.. i wondered would it e better if i didn't. It would even be better if i didn't stubbornly wanna do the sq28 tog. None of this would have happened.

I kept wondering why he has studio appt. Initially i thought maybe it was the photo shoot the other time or sthg. But it was sthg worse.. He said his dinner is on the 14th, before Hawaii. My heart literally stopped.

I started fumbling in my bag for sthg to do. Trying fucking hard not to cry. He kept trying to talk to me until i finally snapped. Tears just started rolling down. Kept trying to calm myself cos i still have to do the bkk but i just can't. Finally i stopped crying long enough to step out of the car.

I reached the toilet and dried my tears. Touched up and went into Control. All the while.. my brain was in a whirlwind. The only thought in my mind now was: What should I do now? What should I do with myself? After checking in i couldn't stop the tears and had to run to the toilet again. There i sobbed to Mel for bout 5 mins then i had to go into the briefing room.

As i intro myself i know everyone was staring at my red eyes. It's a link flt so i was afraid of the repercussions. But i just couldn't smile much. Anyhow.. the flt went quite smoothly. I was C3 and my LS even commented my work was good. Basically I feel damn proud of myself for not breaking down or screwing things up. Still.. i knew it was too smooth to be true. I left my sandals onboard. Sigh... the only consolation is at least it's not my safety shoes.

When i got back.. I just hid in the toilet and started crying again. Supposed to meet Joon at DF but i didn't even feel like drinking. Eventually I went.. Mel and Yingying accompanied me. They both drank till damn high but as usual the one who needs to be drunk didn't.

Now.. I dunno what to say.. dunno wat to do. I'm very vexed cos.. I drew a line for myself. If ever the day he starts to hold his dinner, get the keys to his house I would have to let go. No choice right? I don't wanna see him having kids and all too. But time after time i kept pushing that limit. Time after time i kept deluding myself.. don't wanna ask anything, don't wanna know anything that will make me sad.

Honestly if u ask me how much I know about him? I don't. I frankly dunno much out him.. I don't interact enough with him to know his character, his habits and such. But i trust my intuition. He remains the one guy that i'd feel happy seeing no matter when, where or how. And he's still the only one that i've said I love for the past 4 yrs. It means a lot to me.

But now.. like he kept saying there's no light at the end of the tunnel. I asked him what should i do. He said just do whatever that won't hurt me. Either way i'll feel hurt right? The most amazing thing is that... It's as if my brain is telling me to stop all this before someone or myself gets really hurt. But my heart is convincing my brain that i love him enough to put up with all these. That i was just shocked and it was too sudden.

It's true in a sense.. He kept asking if i'm angry. There's nothing to be angry about. I should have expected it. Just that i was really shocked. Really really shocked. I kept wondering where will his dinner be held.. Who did he invite.. When did he give out the invitations.. How would he look. I totally blocked out the bride.

I know that if i just grit my teeth and leave him.. 1 year down the road it won't hurt as much. I'd have moved on. Maybe I'll still be waiting.. But he's not with me anymore. He says he still wants to be with me but he don't wanna see me so hurt. And u know what? I believe him.

All along i really trust him. When he says he's been good, when he says he doesn't have someone else. Don't ask me why.. But everytime he finds time to squeeze in a msg for me i'm happy. Even if i can't reply, i appreciate it. But sometimes when i really miss or need him and he's not there, that's when i start throwing tantrums again. But i know deep down.. Btwn me and his wife.. there's no fight really.

Now my question is: I really do love him a lot. Can i contend with being a lover and sharing him? Frankly i cannot bring myself to leave him or even forget him. Which is why i can't be with someone else. But i'm scared what will happen next. I'm scared i'll really go crazy 1 day and do things that i usually won't.

He asked me do I still want him to do the sq28. Honestly i'm torn. I would love to spend 8 days with him. But it's too cruel knowing his events after the flt. I still want him to do it with me.. even for the last time. Even if i have to ignore him.. Even if we pretend not to know each other. Now i strongly believe in destiny.. I was wondering.. We started with sq28.. Would we end with it too? I think i found my answer. Or rather the answer found me.

Destined

He just called. And said he got wedding dinner and studio appt on the 5th.

What can I say?

So i told him to reject the cof i'll talk to the gs. I just feel empty. Like everything got sucked out of me. The jubilance of finally doing flt together.. the excitement of doing sq28 again. Sometimes i wonder...

I know it's difficult for him. And i know he appreciates what i'm doing. But it doesn't change the fact that it's always about choices. Between me and her. Between me and the rest of his life.

It's quite a straightforward and logical choice. Isn't it?

=(


Edited to add: I realised... Who am i kidding? He made his choice long ago. I just thought too highly of myself. Either that or i'm living in my own world. As usual...

SQ28

I did it!!

I got the best pattern for sq28. Finally just bit the bullet and 'you-know' max. Suffice to say that i'm doing the flt for free. And i gave away 6 off days.. Baby is so gonna scold me but dunno.. just feel relieved.

And very happy. I don't care bout the money. I get to spend 8 whole days with Baby. It's worth it. =) Even though i'll be working 16 days in a row. I just hope the COFs go through. Cross your fingers for me!!!

I met baby 5 months ago on the worst sq28 pattern right after i did the best one. So.. sq28 holds a lot of significance to me. And brings back a lot of memories. Funnily enough I never did tpe again after meeting Baby. Never got rostered for it again. Feel happy just thinking bout it... Furthermore sq28 stops this month. So i really wanna do it again but only with baby.

I hope everything goes well!!!!

Exhausted

Just as i posted my last post... He smsed me. Asked me not to go mahjong or party only can go supper. All of a sudden i feel really exhausted. Maybe its fatigue or lack of restful sleep or... I dunno.

I feel really tired. Yesterday something srtuck me. We as Singaporeans are never really specific when we speak in mandarin. Yesterday my massaue (spelling??) said: Ni hen kun le (You look sleepy) and i replied yeah i'm tired (lei). Seem like we use 'lei' for everything.

But yeah back to topic.. I'm really tired. Tired of trying so hard, tired of always waiting. Waiting for a call, sms, waiting for you to squeeze time for me. Waiting for pple to reply me for cof, waiting... just waiting.

Come to a point whereby i just wanna throw up my hands and say i give up. But i know the next minute.. the next second as long as u call me or talk to me or pacify me then i'll be willing to let it go and try again.

I really don't wish to be the one being abandoned at the very end. ='(

COF

I'm so angry, frustrated and tired over COFs. I hate changing flts nowadays.

I only agreed to give away my sq12 and work 8 days in a row cos it gives me 6 days off after that. I thought it's give me a very good chance to change for whatever flt i want with baby. Sigh... Fat chance.

Nowadays people are so money-minded. And greedy.. Imagine i give away 6 days off still have to.... u know. Can't say much also here. Am just very depressed. I sent more than a hundred smses in sg and outstation but till now i still can't get any reasonable flt.

I'm so tired.. Gotta wakey in another 10 hrs for flt again. And i haven't even showered. I reached home and just parked myself in front of the comp on the COF board. =(

I was just thinking.. Why is it so easy for others? Maybe it's not but it seems easy. Maybe it's a sign. God's will.. I dunno. I feel as if i haven't seen u for a very long time. Haven't had a conversation with you for so long. In fact.. i can't remember when was the last time we took a walk along the beach.. or played tennis.. or did anything other than just lunch.

I'm very scared cos.. all the things i dread are coming true one by one. Wedding photos.. Honeymoon... Next will be the Dinner and then your house and... I don't wanna think anymore. ='(

Shower time.

Hawaii

I've always wanted to go there on my honeymoon. Since i was a little girl i always imagine tanned people with straw skirts and the beaches and how i'd like to go or pick up surfing there. Just lazing on the beach with my huge shades and pina colada and of cos my beloved new hubby.

Now.. yeah my beloved is going to Hawaii but he's not my hubby and well he's not going with me. And he's on matrimonial leave. My heart chilled when i heard his holiday plans. He said he didn't wanna tell me cos I'd be angry. I'm not angry. Just that my heart is bleeding.

I seriously dunno how much more i can take.

='(

Third Party

I guess it's only recently that I've begun to fully appreciate the true meaning of the word. Call me warped or misguided or whatever u wanna say but.. i'm beginning to feel that.. there's a lot of strength and resolve in this category of women.

I'm not referring to those vile home-breakers or shit-stirrers and such but... just those that are unfortunate enough to fall for a married man and yet stay true to their love and thus spend huge quantities of their time waiting, alone.

I always remember this show that I'd watch and watch every time i come across it. Even though i've watched it for many many times. It's by Leung Kar Fai and Anita Yuen. I think the title is Nian Nian You Jin Ri. The story goes that they met by chance on a small island off HKG and were stranded. So things happened as they shared the only room available for the night. He went back to his wife and kid and she subsequently got married too. But they still meet at the same place every year. It went on for more than 50 years but they were both committed to their partners and neither felt it right to leave. More so for the guy actually. Eventually the guy's wife died and he finally asked her to marry him.

There're a lot of things that i chose not to see, not to ask, not to hear. Chris always said that i'm very good at deluding myself. Becos i know that if i see, i ask and i hear, i'll be unhappy. You'll be put in a spot and that's not what i want. I want you to be happy. So by not pressurizing you i hope u're happy.

But i realise it's not possible. Cos stress comes from within yourself too. Whether you know or acknowledge it or not. Increasingly.. as i read through our msgs.. it's always the usual i-miss-yous, have-you-been-good etc msgs. There's no... life in it. It doesn't speak of my life, my worries, my happiness, nor yours.

And when i open my eyes and listen, i realise that your life goes on. Even with me now and i assume even without me later on. U still find time to meet your friends, things still happen. And at times like these i wish i were just a normal friend. I think i'd know u better. You as a person and your life.

That's why i think serious third parties are strong. Becos u only live.. when the other person has time for you. Other than that... you're merely existing. Waiting for the next opportunity when you can feel alive again.

By some chance i was on friendster, which i haven't been for ages, and thought to look at your profile and pics. It's restricted to friends only. I don't even know if you're on mine or vice versa. Then i just had this want to look at hers. So i searched. When i saw the 'My little prince photo' my heart started beating very fast. When it reached the 'my 2 dearest men' i think my heart stopped.

The whole night my imagination went wild. Why is it that on the other pic she just stated it's her niece.. so it can't be her newphew rite? She would have just said so? It's can't be yours cos u've never mentioned it, only ur nieces. It was horrifying even to consider the possibility that it's your son. It was such a bone-chilling thought. In fact i was so bothered that i can't sleep now and went to look at the pic again. The date says 2006, which apparantly u weren't even married yet so.. i highly doubt it's your son.... rite?

I really dunno. It's just that.. How do i start describing how i feel? It's as if i belong to another little world in the huge world of yours. Like after you've done your duty as a son, a husband and a friend then you'll come to me. And becos the conditions under which we can meet are difficult, i always imagine u try to meet me EVERY chance u get. Which might not the the reality.

Looking at the photos just now and reading the captions, you have really gone through a lot with her. I mean.. it's quite a lot of time and memories. Something which i will never have the chance to do. Create similar memories.. And as i keep looking at them.. a part of me tells me that.. no matter how much i love you.. i bet she does too. And i'm sure she was with you every step of the way... in your life for the past years... which made you decide to marry her. And.. i think 'us' will be devastating news... which i feel would be unbearable to any woman. So i'm really confused now.

I know eventually i don't have a choice. I know everyone will say i can choose to leave.. including you. But that's not a real choice. It's like telling the pax you can choose to eat this or don't eat. Maybe i don't have to do anything at all.. Maybe u'll choose to leave.. Maybe you'll get tired of me.. Maybe i'll get tired of trying..

Maybe.

Prawning!

I finally went prawning!! With melody and shyan. After 3 hours and 90 ucks, we caught a grand total of 37 prawns wahahaha. Then we bbq them on the spot!

It was pouring the whole day! And i thought that it'll be a sunny day since it rained cats and dogs yesterday. We were so funnie trying to balance the rod, an umbrella each and trying to hook the bait. Pictures in Shyan's camera so have to wait.

Well he tried to pass me pics from BKK too but my Eee PC has too little capacity.


On the BTS to Siam Paragon



Greedy me and my cheesecake at this atas cafe L'Oriental



On the escalator where Melvin was trying out the lighting

Sinema Old School

I watched 3 movies last night. Well technically 2 short films at Sinema and Cyborg She. Shyan booked the tix and it was my first time there. It looks so creepy! Apparantly it used to be a school.. It's behind The Cathay and well shyan's aunt used to teach thre and she said it's haunted.

Anyway the short films were quite disturbing. Not the really thought-provoking kind of disturbing. Being a Lit student some plays really do make you ponder but some just... well they shock but there's no rhyme or reason behind it. It's just a bizzare twist and you get this uncomfy feeling you just can't shake off.

But well it was a nice change and the seats were comfy. ut i think it was meant to be just n auditorium so the sound absorbers or whatever it's called are not in place so there're still revebrations or sthg.

Yay am mtg my aiai later. Shyan tagging along.. We're gg prawning! Wahaha... Dunno if i'll love or hate it. I've never fished b4 in my life! =p Haven't seen Melody in a while.. so it's gonna be fun!

Well.. i think Shyan's been hanging around me a little too much. Am starting to get the cornered kinda feeling again. :( I mean he's nice and i think he'll back off if i ask him to but then he'll feel hurt. Sigh... But i did say i'm not ready. I dunno...

And Baby's been a little distant.. I dunno if it's just my imagination. I hate it esp when he does 345 flts. He'll just... disappear. And now apparantly he has 2 blocks of leave when he told me just 1 in Dec and he's gg climbing. Okie so you have your own life and your own plans and somehow it doesn't include me. So i just have to stay out and off i guess sigh... Maybe it's better this way.. :(

Am rostered for 345 training end Sept. Dunno whether to be happy.. I used to really look forward to it but now.. I'm trained for jcl only recently. Still blur and unsure and now 345. Sigh... Well just takes time i guess.. But i hate the incompetent feeling and looks i get.

Gotta go prep.

Wishes

I realised that everyone's happy birthday message to me hopes that my wishes will be fulfilled.

But i haven't made my wish (apart from the one for kristy). I dunno what to wish for. Happiness? The one thing that would make me very happy would make someone and others who love her very sad. Wish for money? But money can't buy happiness..

I know Ryan will say wish for wisdom. Then i can rise above all this unnecessary trouble, hurt and headaches.

As if.

My Birthday

Well.. things got quite bad. Irene last min say not feeling well, no energy and Denise kept asking me to change to another day. I was pretty pissed. If it's just drinking then fine any day would do. But if it's my birthday how to change??

On top of that I had to go for dinner and movie with Mark cos i felt bad i asked him to get DENISE's stuff the other time. And i don't like to make use of people. But the incident really made me wonder... Sometimes you treat certain friends very nice cos u feel they have priority in your life. But it doesn't necessarily mean that it's the same for them. You might just be a convenient friend to have to them.

Then cos I complained to Shyan and he didn't want me to be unhappy he planned a surprise for me at ECP. In a short span of 3 hrs! And he roped in Eric and Melvin to help. I was very touched and I know he owes them big time. He even called Melody and Trillia and offered to pick them up and send them home if they come and pay for their cab ride this morning cos they have to work.

At times like that I know he can be the one. The one who'll be there for me and take all my nonsense and take care of me. But...

The whole evening and night... I kept looking at my hp. You didn't even msg me when u landed. You said u didn't have the chance to. I'm sure chances can be created but... Well it was a decision. You keep asking if i'm unhappy nowadays. I dunno if i'm unhappy. Cos i dunno how it feels like anymore.

It seems like i've accepted everything. The waiting.. the disappointments.. It almost seems normal to me now. From the moment u got called up for syd.. I pushed away all dinner dates and meet-ups.. unless i'm sure you can't/won't/don't wanna meet me. Just like today... I have absolutely nothing on now. But when i asked if u're gonna meet me and u say she's ending early. Then i know... yeah.. Either i make my plans now or stay home.

By now if u dunno that i'd make an effort and meet u even for half an hour... If u still cannot see that then i'm very sad. Yes i'm upset when u have to go. But i'd rather see u than not at all. Is it that difficult to understand? Would it make u happier if i'm not upset that u have to go? I just wanted to see you. A hug, a kiss, a happy birthday from you.

So on my special day.. i've been crying since 9am. My heart feels like someone keeps stabbing it continually. And my tears just keep rolling.

Happy birthday to me.


Edited to add: Baby came to look for me with chicken rice, bubble tea and flowers. Although he stayed less than 1 hr with me i'm happy already. And he looks so tired. Sigh... I love you baby. Miss you already...

Oh and clumsy me stained my already-not-white LV wallet with the pink solution from the flowers. So now there's a patch of pink on my white wallet. Well done. Arghhhhhhh

古巨基 & 梁静茹 - 还是好朋友

Some things resurfaced before and after my BKK trip. Things that I didn't and still don't wanna face. I wonder why.. I wonder why is it after everything, after all the tears and quarrels and angry stares andb hurtful words... Why do they want me back? Why didn't they remember during those crucial times... that they love me?

I chanced upon this mtv on youtube. Found the lyrics really meaningful but i couldn't find the song to post it here though. I just hope that someday I will be able to say it and not wait for it to be said to me...


没有人要内疚 没需要原宥
在十字街头 就相互保佑

那些体贴问候 那美丽镜头
没必要一分开就变成了诅咒

相爱这一场
可能是为了能拥有一个好朋友
还是好朋友 比爱人长久

不能牵的手按在心头
在最寂寞的关头 永远在左右
事过情迁后
（升华以后）升华眼泪后
思念是最漫长的享受
（漫长的享受）
那无痛的伤口 还带着温柔到白头

亲吻失去感受 火花烧到尽头
没有激情有感情
有另一种邂逅

相爱这一场
可能是为了能拥有一个好朋友
还是好朋友 比爱人长久

不能牵的手按在心头
在最寂寞的关头 永远在左右
事过情迁后（升华以后）升华眼泪后
思念是最漫长的享受（漫长的享受）
那无痛的伤口 还带着温柔到白头
（是什么叫你我 只配做一对好朋友）


If you're interested, this is the weblink: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KWb2VPpWfRw

LHR and BKK

I'm back... Totally exhausted.

Well i didn't have time to blog bout my jcl solos. I guess my ifs was being nice by putting me in jcl for all 4 sectors. But sigh... maybe am just disappointed with myself for getting all worked up cos of the CS and then didn't really do my stuff very well.

On Friday evening we left for BKK. My first time! With Shyan, Melvin and Eric. The guys were nice.. always taking care of me and carrying my stuff etc. Somehow it didn't really interest me. We spent all of like 2 and 1/2 hrs in Chatuchak or JJ Market. Haha.. super fast right? And i only bought like 2 tees for my bro. It was simply too hot, messy and uncomfy.

Eventually we spent more time at Siam Paragon, Siam Discovery, Siam Centre and Central World than anywhere else! All in all i bought 2 tees, 3 shoebags and 1toiletry bag from Naraya and 3 bras from La Senza. Wahahaha... And i don't think i'll be heading back to BKK anytime soon. Why didn't i just follow their original plan and gone to HKG instead??? At least maybe i'll end up at Disney =p

On another note.. I just read Kristy's email. Sister i love you okie! Don't worry bout me misunderstanding or feeling hurt or whatever. U're more important. And i'm taking care of myself. At least i don't hurt myself anymore. Don't worry bout me. =0) I love you. Remember that. My birthday wish this year is for you to.........

I know you'd say cannot say it out loud or it won't come true. I didn't. So i hope it comes true. =0)

Butterflies in Stomach

Baby i so wanna hear your voice now or at least sms you but I now i shouldn't. So i shall msg you here...

Was writing the bar order pad just now and i tore up i dunno how many copies wahaha. Am super nervous bout tmrw. I dunno why but well i just want it to be smooth. My cgk crew wanted to slap me cos they said i'm ex crew what's there to be scared of but well i haven't worked jcl for quite some time you know..

I almost forgot to prepare all the stuff for jcl. Just done everything. Baby i'm sad bout Kristy and I'm sad u never sms me even since yest morning.. I know u're tired and u're prolly busy as well but... Dunno. Just wanna sa jiao. Cos u said when i get trained u'll change flt and help me along rite??? Booooooooooooooo.. Yeahyeah i know u can't help it.

Been waiting for ur call/sms the whole day. =0( Gotta wake up in 6 hrs. I better go sleep now or u'll scold me again. =0( Night baby...

Vulnerability of Life

I don't think i've ever mentioned Kristy in this blog. She's my best buddy from Silkair. As in my best friend not flying buddy. U know what i mean. She's the nicest, friendliest, always cheerful, always-putting-you-first kinda gal. It's really MY fortune to have known her really.

She's been through so much with me. All the nonsense bout and from Chris, Colin and she was so happy bout Shyan. All the late night crying and consoling. All the self-declared-off-days-while-on-standby.. She was deeply disappointed with me regarding Chris and the things i did to myself. But i know she still cares a lot.

And i never had the chance to be the kinda friend she was to me, to her. And i will never get the chance to. Simply becos she's too nice to let me. Her dad's been terminally ill for sometime and it's taking a strain on her. Now.. i had to find out through friendster that she lost her baby. Since when was she pregnant?? I feel so awful. What kinda friend am i??

I did try to keep in contact. It was difficult especially after i went to dubai we sorta drifted. When i came back she was getting married. Felt a bit distant ever since then but she has a new life now. Sigh... I really hope and pray that she'll be okie soon. Well i know it takes time and you'll never really be okie but u know what i mean.

Anyway i dunno what's going on now. How many months etc. How's her dad. I did send her msgs so i guess have to wait for her reply. Sister I just wanna tell u that i love u a lot okie? Anything that i can do for you... Anything at all.. i would.

Baby i'm so sad right now. Can't even imagine her pain. And i can't help but have this sinking feeling that... it's never even gonna happen to me. Simply cos... we won't. ='(

Depressing

Well it all started with meeting the gang on Friday night. I met up with SHyan and he kinda half-cajoled half-forced me to go have dinner with them too. Them comprising of Karine, Angel, Lionel, Melissa, Nigel, Pika. Only 1 word to describe... AWKWARD.

I'm the most surprised and disappointed with Angel's reaction. She totally didn't look at me throughtout the night. And only Lionel, Mel and Nigel actually talked to me. Well Karine did too actually. Maybe i should be lucky Callie's not there. Well if she were i wouldn't have gone in the 1st place! All in all.. I can only say i tried. My best. I'm washing my hands off them and frankly... after so long.. i don't feel much of a loss anymore.

Next blessing-in-disguise thing. Well since i'm the most junior non-probationary crew, I was super slack for the cgk n/s. Until IFS gave choice of work position and I was left with no choice. Hence my 1st jcl solo began. Chief was nice... as long as the rest of the crew. Okie i wasn't very blur but then again it's cgk. Easy peasy. J4 up, J3 back. Guess i'm lucky... 308 tmrw. I hope my luck runs till then.

And then... when i was in cgk, i got a couple of... @$!^&%#(*)*^%$&#@ smses from HxxxxxN. Go figure...

Him: Hi Irene... HxxxxxN here. I changed my no... But I miss u...
Me: =) I noe u're doing fine and that's good enough for me.
Him: I only wanted to say that I was only kidding when i said i missed you haha because i realised that i could have lost karen over you. And i would have been the big joke. I'm so glad that i'm out of it. Good luck and goodbye.
Me: Hmmm well that was unnecessary. Since i assume you changed your no to get me out of ur life. Nevertheless i'm glad you made the right choice. U take care.

*And then i fell asleep. I only realised he still replied the next morning*

Him: Yeah. But i felt the strong need to tell you that's all. And this isn't even my number. Bye.

I didn't know whether to laugh or what. Just shook my head. I mean.. what's up man. Okie well if you somehow have my blog address and you're reading this, lemme say this once and for all. From the bottom of my heart, I'm glad that u feel u've made the right choice. We prolly wouldn't have been good together anyway. I don't have ur number in my phone. I deleted it long ago and frankly don't remember it anymore. I've moved on and so have you. If at some point in time you still feel the strong urge to humiliate/ridicule me then i'd feel sad for you. Obviously it's bugging you more than it bugs me. I know that Karen has been spreading things about me and i'm very proud to let u know that i haven't. I could have said nasty things too but well what's the point. I'm not being noble here, just practical. Don't see what good it'll do me nor you or her. If you don't believe me i'm cool with it too. Cos I know and God knows i'm telling the truth. I still visit her blog sometimes and i'm glad you guys are happy and working things out. It takes losing something to make you treasure it i guess. Nevertheless i still choose to believe maybe you're drunk when u sent those msgs or it wasn't u or sthg like that. I will only remember the good and not the bad. So chill okie? =)

Regardless... life still goes on. Signed another facial package today wahaha. Big big big hole in pocket. And i went for tea with Mommy. I miss my baby but I know it's sunday so... and u're most prolly very tired. So am not gonna disturb ya so u have a good rest yeah. =)

And I love the new song I posted. =)

对的人

你问在我心中　是否还苦恼
那次受伤　否决了爱的好
谢谢你的关照　我一切都好
一个人　不算困扰

爱虽然很美妙　
却不能为了寂寞　
又陷了泥沼

爱要耐心等待　
仔细寻找　
感觉很重要
宁可空白了手　
等候一次　
真心的拥抱
我相信在(这个)世界上　
一定会遇到
对的人出现
(在眼角)

那次流过的泪　让我学习到
如何祝福　如何转身　不要
在眼泪体会到　与自己拥抱
爱不是一种需要　是一种对照

能愿意为了一份爱　付出去多少
然后得到多少并不计较
当我想清楚的时候　我就算已经准备好
放手去爱　海阔天高
喔... 耶...

Frustrated

I'm so mad.

Why do you always ask me to decide then be unhappy bout my decision? Then why don't YOU decide in the first place?? And then after that you keep saying i get angry easily.. What did u do wrong again..

I'm so pissed i feel like screaming! Last week was also like that. I know u have your considerations and limitations. But i'm already accomodating you as much as I can. What else do you want??

Am gonna pour away the soup.


Edited to add: Why is it when i'm angry everytime u're angrier than me... =0(
I never asked u to go party or play mj with me. U're the one who suggested it. So now why do i get blamed that u're making an effort and i'm still unhappy? I've already told u yest i think u'll be tired.. I asked if u wanna rest at home. U think i don't wanna meet u? Of cos i do! But if it means depriving u of rest then i'll feel bad.
Since u suggested mj or party then of cos I'd think it's manageable for u. Of cos I know u're making an effort. But we oth put in effort for each other. So now we're gonna start counting how many times each?
U always feel i get angry easily. Don't I have a reason to? Then how bout yourself? U always complain it's difficult to make me happy. I can be happy without you too. It's just another kind of happiness.

Long Rest

Planning's been really nice to me lately. After my SNY i had 4 days off and then i did that extremely-tiring-but-luckily-no-biggie akl and I had 4 days off again. After my 308 i'm on leave so yippeee!

And since i have so much time on my hands, i got tired of watching Chao Ji Xin Guang Da Dao 3, i've been playing mj and drinking too much. I decided to cook for my poor baby who's currently protecting our nation and me. Wahahaha... I went to NTUC just now and bought stuff for watercress soup. I hope it turns out well.

Okie i must rant bout this. Every single time when i'm super duper unglam, I will run into someone. Definitely. This time i ran into my JC99 wet run trainer, whom i did sq2 with also. And he recognises me. Embarrassing.

Oh no it's raining heavily suddenly.. Baby's doing IPPT. Hope he's okie..

代言人

綠茶找誰證明好味道
新手機找誰證明時髦
我難道要找愛情證明
我會笑


給自己做個廣告
看自己能多好
讓世界都知道
煩惱比他少
過得比他好


生活多迷人
來做代言人
沒有約會
一樣可能
愛一個人
有時比不上我一個人
慣了做他的人
有點悶
為今天多輕省
來做代言人
穿得摩登
整個城市找我證明
多豐盛
我愛上自己的靈魂


就算推銷天荒和地老
更愛給途人目光擁抱
我不如找面鏡子證明我驕傲


給自己做個廣告
看自己有多好
讓世界都知道
活得比他好


生活多迷人
來做代言人
沒有約會
一樣可能
愛一個人
有時比不上我一個人
慣了做他的人
有點悶
為今天多輕省
來做代言人
穿得摩登
整個城市找我證明
多豐盛
我愛上自己的靈魂


所有男生和女生
趁單身享受單身
到戀愛再去兩個人


生活多迷人
來做代言人
沒有約會
一樣可能
愛一個人
有時比不上我一個人
慣了做他的人
有點悶
為今天多輕省
來做代言人
穿得摩登
整個城市找我證明
多豐盛
我愛上自己的靈魂


生活多迷人
來做代言人
沒有約會
一樣可能
愛一個人
有時比不上我一個人
慣了做他的人
有點悶
為今天多輕省
來做代言人
穿得摩登
整個城市找我證明
多豐盛
我愛上自己的靈魂

Chalet

Well Changi Village ran out of rooms and cos I didn't book as we weren't sure what we were gonna do... We ended up at Downtown East! It's been ages since I went for a chalet! Ever since before Uni i guess. Cos well in Uni we were like at chalet everyday anyway haha.

So.. we checked in and nua-ed for a bit. I wanted to go catch a show and baby was really nice cos he kept wanting to go check the times but.. we were hungry! So baby brought me to this yummy crab beehoon place. It was nice.. gonna bring my family maybe next week.

Then we went bavk to walk around a bit. Movies were packed so we ended up... in the arcade! Wahahaha it was so much fun! We played this ball-throwing machine till both our arms ache. It was aching so badly when I was brushing my teeth that I had to prop my elbow on the sink and baby was laughing at me! It's still aching now =p

Anyway we spent a good 2 hrs there! We played this Japanese drum thingy that Jo and I used to play at Suntec. It's like u have to keep to the beat kinda thing. They have chinese songs too! That must have been the new version. We drummed really hard but sometimes it gets passed over. Bahhhh!

It was really noisy at night though. With the teens running around. Baby couldn't get much sleep. So poor thing... Well he was LAUGHING in his dreams so i guess he must have been happy. I was! I enjoyed myself a lot. Pity... no pics. =0( I don't think that's allowed =p

I love you baby =0)

It's a Beautiful day!

Wooohoooo the weather is quite sunny and nice and the most important thing is... I'm gonna see my baby in 1 hr's time! Yipeeee! =D

Lalalaaa i'm so happy! Anyway i went DF for the 1st time in a couple of weeks. Wasn't too fun. Quite empty for a Wed and Denise and Irene left early! Well Ah Bao made me stay and was quite nice to me. Luckily Hazel was around his cove too so I didn't feel too lonely =p

But... i think i'm done with drinking. Seriously. Nowadays i don't even like to drink green tea on normal occassions cos i have so much green tea during our drinking sessions! Speaking of green tea.. Yesterday was the 1st time also that I got free and AUTO top-up of green tea! So surprised. Seems like.. it's good to know the right people as usual... Bleah! =p

Anyhow.. after my birthday I think i'm gonna cut down on drinking and clubbing le. Getting old and it's bad for my pocket. I just got my credit card bill. How on earth did i chalk up 4K+ when I didn't even make any big ticket purchases?? I'm so screwed lah. Must cut down already. =p

But i'm still happy. Hee... We're gg for lunch and movie. I shall go look for movie times now and we'll play mj tonight.


Sighz.. he just called. Change of plans le. Can't play mj cos it'll end too late. That's wat i've been thinking or vexing bout. If we go out and do stuff then eventually he'll have to go home to sleep. Which defeats the purpose cos i finally get the chance to sleep tog! BUT if we book a hotel then.. there's really nothing much to do. Sigh... feel like all the fizz has gone out of me. =(

Shower time.

Weird

This is so funnie. Just as i keep lamenting that I have nothing to do on off days, people all wanna meet-up on the same days! What's happening??

Sometimes i feel as if i have no riends. Like you know how I used to be able to hang out everyday with Pika and gang. Someone is defintely free to meet. But now... I feel as if I have no anchor in my life. Like i'm just drifting along.. Passing day after day.

Anyway.. am meeting the love of my life tmrw and he can be with me the whole day! Yay!! But i really dunno what to do actually. And i want him to rest since he has to be up early on friday and even earlier on Sat. Poor thing...

I had a little discovery just now. I was too lazy to blow-dry my hair so i just scrunched Potion 9 and went to take a nap. Now... my hair looks the same as if i had dried it. FAINTED!!! Waste of my time.

Too Free

Yeah i have 4 off days after the sny, which... was a disaster. In some ways i guess. Never felt so ocstrasized (spelling??) in my entire time here! All cos of a stoopid gay gs. Grrrrr irritating. I can never get along with sisters!! I guess i should start packing my roster and visiting the COF board more often.

Anyway... he can come out tonight but cannot meet me. Sigh... And now i cannot sms after midnight. But i was really very very angry and very very sad and super bullied. :( At times like this then i wonder what's the point. Of continuing like this... I need someone who can be there for me anytime.

I purposely kept all my off days. Didn't make any plans also. Don't wanna confirm meet-ups with my friends just in case you're free. In the end? You asked if i'm angry. Honestly i'm not. But what else can I say? Either i get used to it.. or i just get myself out of this isn't it? There's really no other way around it. And nowadays i even try to sound happy or at least not upset so you wouldn't feel guilty or upset or sthg. Sigh... Why can't i even be sad when i really am? =0(


I was really happy when u spent time with me on Sat. I know u're making an effort. But really.. everytime i have to see you go i'd rather you not meet me at all. Cos the rollercoaster feeling is damn cruel. Maybe in a way i'm numb already. Just like i was planning stuff for us to do if you come out.. Like mj or maybe we can go Sentosa again or sthg. But i don't dare to think bout it anymore lest i get disappointed again.

Do you know how difficult it is to deliberately not revolve your world around 1 person... when it's all that you really want to?

Lao Chai!!

Arghhhhhh that's what Daniel keeps calling me nowadays! And all the guys keep telling me i look older and that straight hair suits me better. On the other hand, all the gals say i look nice with curled hair too. Ah sigh...

Anyway i'm glad i finally did it. Ive been whining and considering for far too long. Soetimes it's like that isn't it? When we think about sthg too much, when we're too occupied with the consequences and repercussions of doing sthg, then we never get around to doing it. The inertia just becomes too great. When you finally bite the bullet and do it, you start to think of ways to handle the situation better.

But... the first step is always dificult That first step...

Anyway.. jc99 is over and I went ktv with christy, grace, franscisca and her hubby, ying ying and her soon-to-be bf benjamin and jerome. Sean was there also with Jian Ling but they both left early cos they have to work tmrw. We were supposed to head to DF but Ying cancelled cos Ben's bag is too heavy so he's not that keen. Daniel asked me to go watch dvd at his house but am not comfy with the idea even though I know nothing will happen. We're just good friends. Christopher offered to entertain me if i go join him at DF but well Alex will be there so i'm not too interested too.

So... I came home! Hehe so proud of myself. Are you proud of me? ;)


Edited to add: I actually uploaded a pic of my curled hair BUT it's so ugly sigh... should i rebond back?? =0(

New Look!

Yay i finally permed my hair!!! Wahaha... i didn't have to style it today cos well it's wet run i have to twist it up. Anyway i don't think i'll be able to do it properly!

It's not really the kind of curls i was hoping for but i'm prepared cos I know the kind i want can only be done using the curling tongs and it's temporary. Plus i just trimmed my hair. Arghhhhh why did i do that??

And i was looking at Potion 9 etc when I was in Beautyland. Why didn't i get it?? Haha oh well.. i might tire of having to deal with it every night and morning and rebond it again after a while. =p


Wahaha... not very clear but oh well.. Chris said i look older. Shucks... =0(

Musings

Was telling grace today.. U know how as humans sometimes we really wanna know something. But when that something turns out to be negative or what we wouldn't have liked to hear or it doesn't conform with what we think then we'd rather not hear it?

And how sometimes we think we wanna know but when we do we'd rather not know? Or how we'd go all out to get something we really want.. or THINK we really want but when we get it then the feeling changes? Is it just the joy of the pursuit? Or that we beautify it so much in our quest for it thus egging our desire but in actual fact it might not be what we want/need/imagine it to be?

Everyone keeps saying my late nights sparked my allergy. Maybe you're right but well all i know is that it has never happened before. Even when i was doing a lot of late nights partying during our first year. Maybe it's age maybe it's something i ate or inhaled or whatever. But yeah we all jump to conclusions. He said it's alcohol poisoning. Maybe you're right, maybe you're not. But the important thing is.. that's not what i want to hear!

When will we all ever learn to be sympathetic and supportive without being judgemental? Why do we as humans or maybe just Sporeans have to pinpoint something or someone to take the blame? Why can't we just accept that it happened and try to remedy the situation? Yes i'm not saying we don't have to find out the cause but why all the accusations? The doctor said it's probably due to my immune system being too strong thus the reaction (rashes). Over some time as our system weakens the flare-ups will reduce too.

And by the way.. who in the world wouldn't wanna sleep if he/she can? Certainly not me! And i keep telling you i can't! Why wouldn't you listen? It's not as if i haven't tried staying home and counting sheeps and drinking milk and taking melatonin and all that nonsense. I just can't. And i get super frustrated TRYING to sleep when i can't. I sleep very well out-station though and i'm trying to get more sleep nowadays instead of waking up and going to lunch or dinner with the crew if i can help it.

I know you're gonna tell me i should exercise more etc again. Who with? I don't like to go gym and i hate running. You should know that. Sigh whatever. It's come to a point whereby i dunno what to say to you. All you ever tell me is sleep more, don't go out till so late, don't party so much, don't drink too much. And it becomes like a looping tape. I know you're concerned. But yup.. that's pretty much all you can be.

Today after lunch i was craving for dessert esp cake. So i bought Beard Papa (i rediscovered my love for BP cream puffs in BNE!) and Grace wanted to buy too cos they looked so yummy. Then i proceeded to Rive Gauche cakes and i wanted to try the Guanaja. It looked so good that Grace was tempted to. In fact i think all Rive Gauche cakes looked good and i didn't know what to have. Was contemplating buying an assortment home for my family too.

Then my phone rang. I didnt know what to say. I wanted to go pick him up from the airport. I even planned to do so. Then.. i realised it's bout usually the time she gets off so... Wouldn't make sense for me to go. So we planned to go home sleep, which was unusual for me but it was cos the medication made me really drowsy. Anyway we talked for a bit then while i was on the phone I asked Grace to get our Orange julius and go.

When i got off the phone she immediately said that I'm unhappy. So much so that i forgot bout my cakes. Then i realised.. yeah. I actually left w/o getting any. And now my Beard Papa is still sitting in the fridge. No mood anymore.

Searching for my foundation course notes now. Only found 2 out of the 4 sets we're supposed to bring. I dunno whether to bring not. =p He's my ward leader so have to give him some face. But it's so heavy!! And too big to stash into my bag. Sigh.. how...

I shall eat my dessert and pack my bag a little and take the meds hopefully it'll make me sleep.

Self-realisation

Talking to Christopher in the car just now made me realise a lot of things bout myself. In the first place, Ive never said so many sentences to him before! Wahahaha.. But well.. be it he was trying to impress me or whatever, he sounded logical and reeasonable. Much unlike his cool persona.

I realised... actually i don't think i'm a very demanding person when it comes to my partner. I just need you to love me. Cos with love comes respect. Comes consideration. And loads of other stuff.

and i believe that a lot of things in life are reflectve. They are reciprocal. Or it just so happens that... I'm the kind of person that.. If u're nice to me i'll be 2X as nice back. But if u're not nice to me then why should i bother?

I'm not looking to settle down as in get married and have kids. I feel very restless. Don't feel like gg to work.. don't feel like doing anything. I feel as if my life's very stagnant. Like its never gonna take off. Like i'll never find a focal point in my life. I'm merely existing, not living.


Sometimes i wish i could find someone I can share my life with. We don't necessarily have to end up getting married. As long as we know what each other wants... each other expects and don't step out of the boundary. U still have the space to do what you want.. what you like. Just keep in mind the other person waiting for you and things will all fall in place.

Is it that difficult? Well it doesn sound difficult i guess.

Allergy

Well after mj on mon night i tossed and turned and just couldn't sleep. Bout 7.30am i realised it's cos i've broken out in huge patches all over my body! Again... Sigh. It's been happening a couple of times and i really wonder what caused it. Daddy said it's 'hong mok' whatever that is.

Anyway i eventually got to sleep and when i woke up i looked okie so i went for bne. After touchdown i napped as usual and when i woke up for lunch there it was again! So made an appt to see the doc in bne and concierge gave me the wrong address! Thankfully i asked around and cos I used to do bne quite often with EK i eventually found the place.

Now that i'm home.. My nose suddenly decided to bleed for no reason. Now my table's covered with bloody tissues and it just keeps dripping through the tissues! Sigh...

And my luck with men must be at an all time low. Malaysian indian! Oh my gawd. Sigh...

不想懂得

当世界不知不觉的变了
有时候我怀念以前的我
作的梦虽然远远的
想像是一种快乐

拥有了同时也失去什么
而眷恋原来会带来软弱
你让我在雾里成熟
心开始曲折

我不想舍得不想懂得
是谁惹谁言不由衷
说谎伤害都是不安犯的错
怕抱不紧什么

我不想舍得不想懂得
谁说割爱才更深刻
彼此依赖是爱不是负荷
互相照顾就是幸福的

当世界不知不觉的变了
有时候我怀念以前的我
作的梦虽然远远的
想像是一种快乐

拥有了同时也失去什么
而眷恋原来会带来软弱
你让我在雾里成熟
心开始曲折

我不想舍得不想懂得
是谁惹谁言不由衷
说谎伤害都是不安犯的错
怕抱不紧什么

我不想舍得不想懂得
谁说割爱才更深刻
彼此依赖是爱不是负荷
能握着手就是感动的

我愿意一秒钟放弃全宇宙
只在只有我们紧靠着的小星球

Complexities of Life and Love

Have you ever wondered.. Or has it ever happened to you.. Why do people not want you and yet do not wanna let go? Or more specifically.. why do all these guys not wanna be with me and yet do not wanna let me go???

It's so frustrating when this person goes around telling people you're his gf. Then all the guys avoid you like the plague. And the actual fact is that he doesn't even treat you like a close friend. Then when you want him to un-tell everyone he doesn't do it. Then u ask him if he seriously wants to be together he tells you to take things slowly. I'm not even interested in the first place. I'm pissed cos hey u're ruining my good name aren't u? Well and my chances as well wahahaha.

Then there's this other one. Sigh... I dunno wat to say, do or make of him. U say u want me, love me but there's another more important person. Yet day in day out i have to reassure you that it's you i want and love. How many times do you want me to do it? How can you want the best for me, want me to be happy and yet... I dunno wat to say really. You cannot be with me but you can't let me go. You cannot give me what I want but you want me beside you.

Every single night i'm alone but you're not. And then you'll turn around and tell me you should let me find my own happiness. And then i'll have to reassure you again. I'm tired. Really. It's kinda like... I have to give in to you all the time. Make you feel secure etc. But what do I get in return?

Anyway men are all the same. It gets even more ironic when a player tries to warn me off another player. Haha.. I didn't know whether to laugh or scoff. And I dunno whether to laugh or cry when a guy asks me out and then claims that we met there by chance cos he's afraid of the repercussions or rather the wrath of that first person. And i was so pissed when that first person told me this pilot went around exclaiming that i asked him out when i was just politely returning his call and I was with my gfs and he joined us. Arghhhhhh men!

Egoistic, obnoxious, self-centred, swanky bastards! Okok just those that i've had the bad fortune to meet!

Well i've already gotten rid of the withered flowers, dried flowers, potpourri, pictures of still flowers in my room. Someone should share another tip with me!

It's Amazing...

How I have to sit on my cargo bag every last sector on SQ2. Amazing. And in particular, this time i didn't think I bought much but well I had to top up again. Maxed out the allowance, my topup and ifa. And we got 2.5 times up and down somemore. I'm the best!

I bought.. 1 Kate Spade bag for mommy, 1 clutch for myself (yay!), 2 tops from Guess, 1 from Bebe, 1 from Ted Baker, nail stuff from Beautyland, 3 dresses, 1 skirt and a bag from Argyle Centre (for friends), 3 tops and 1 pants from H&M, jeans from Old Navy... Hmm that's about it i think. Funnie... where did my money go??? =p

Half of SFO was on sale but well nothing much to shout about. The whole of HKG was on sale and it was serious. Well people were buying Gucci by the truckload and the entire store looks like some kinda pasar malam (night market) place. I hate it when the environment becomes like that. Makes me feel very vexed and I don't bother digging thru the piles.

Luckily my shopping mood passed. Otherwise I think i could have blown my entire bonus in HKG. Who am I kidding? I ALREADY blew my bonus.. =p Anyway.. SQ2 is pure evil. I have to think thrice before i do it again!! But i met some really nice gals this flight. I have pictures! Even though i forgot my camera.




Kate, Tianyi, Rhoda and Me



Forced to take a crabby pic!



Me and all our food. Yummy!!

A&F

In SFO now. Clear day morning. Am starving but i dunno if the gals are awake. The gals on this flt are all younger than me! I really feel old. But they're all sweet and nice. Well the locals actually...

We went Fishermen's Wharf yesterday and had Bubba Gump. My first sightseeing of sorts in SFO. Usually am too busy shopping =p But somehow this trip is disappointing. Not much nice items even though there's sale everywhere. Hmmm maybe that's y. Even my Old Navy jeans were out and i had to get a longer pair.

Sleeping is a pain as usual and i'm tired most of the time. Plus the shopping it's quite a great distraction. N the girls of cos. Which is good. I know i'm supposed to think bout us but... It's just too painful. Whenever i think bout it like... now.

When i went into A&F the whole place smells of Fierce. Which reminded me of you. Shyan asked me to buy polo tees for him. They had some but they look like the ones i've bought for him previously. Then i saw the one you like to wear. I like u wearing it too. The white with thin pink stripes one. It was the last piece and the exact size. M. Which is quite rare since it's on sale.

I was torn over whether to buy it. I don't wanna buy it for someone else to wear esp when i love seeing u in it. Really hit me very hard. So i was just stoning in the chair, thinking bout us, missing you and scolding myself while waiting for the gals. Then someone squatted beside my armchair and said the following with a really American twang to it.

Him: Iknowthissoundsweirdbutican'thelpasking. Idon'tnormallydthisbutcanigettoknowyou?
Me: *blinks* I'm sorrie come again?
Him: Oh I was just saying I think you're kinda cute so.. Can i get your number?
Me: *blinks blinks* I'm not from around here.
Him: Oh.. (turns and runs)

Wahahaha it was over before I could even comprehend what was going on. I think he's from A&F cos I saw this walkie talkie in his hands while he was rattling his lines. I was still stoned and went back to thinking bout him till the gals came back.

If only you're with me now... =0(

How???

Really dunno what to do. Or rather I know what will happen if i take path A, path B, path C.. But i dunno if i can take it.

I dunno if u'll be able to take my nonsense if we continue. I dunno if u'll get fed up of all this and still leave eventually. I'm scared of the day you tell me u're having your customary. Scared of the day you tell me your house is ready. Scared of the day you tell me she's pregnant.

I dunno if the time apart that u're suggesting will make you miss me more. Or it'll make you realise you can actually do without me. After all.. before we met we were doing fine individually. There're a lot of things that I dunno. That i will never know..

I'm terrified. Of losing you. Of losing myself.

Nailing My Own Coffin

Edited: I've taken down the photos. Only becos i don't wanna get you into trouble. I promised i would never make things difficult for you or harm you in any way.

This is about the last thing i can do for you.

MC

Yup once again it's cos of a guy. Well technically it's cos of swollen eyes. But u noe what i mean..

I promised myself and you that I will tell u whatever's bothering me. I knew that if i said it this would happen. So in the afternoon I held back. I'm glad i still did it eventually. Cos i now noe a lot more bout u and how u view things and me.

I guess it'll happen sooner or later. Some things u said really hurt. Maybe I took it the wrong way, maybe it's not what u meant. But still... I think i've already said almost everything I want to. Those that i didn't i guess there's no point now also.

U ask me y is it after every flt, outing, party we'll end up like this. Cos it's a rollercoaster. We're the rollercoaster. What goes up must come down. No matter whether u believe it or not i'm very happy with u. Which is why i wait and wait for ur calls and smses. I drop everything just to spend time with u. I've never said no to u.

I just want you to remember. I want myself to remember. That even if given a chance... or a choice... U still wouldn't choose me. That is why we parted. It's not becos i dont love you, not becos there's someone else. But simply becos no matter how much u claim u love me, how much u miss me, how much u want me, there's always someone else more impt.

It's not an obligation or responsibility that you hold towards her. That was my mistake for assuming. U have CHOSEN her. So i hope u stay true to your choice.

You still remain the 1 person i've loved since you-know-who. Ive given him up for you. Given up the fairytale ending I was always hoping would happen for 6 yrs. And I will tell you this.

I believe it's worth it. You're worth it. I still love u. It's not gonna change for sometime. But sthg has to. So i have to.

原来

I always thought she's the one who cannot do without you. Which is why despite everything she waited and forgave and eventually she made it.

When you said she WILL leave. Something broke inside me. It's not the same anymore.

原来是你离不开她.

So where does that leave me?

Late!

Alarm didn't go off and I was nearly late! Or maybe i didn't hear it. Luckily i woke up with 1 hr to go. And here i am still blogging. Not bad eh...

I just wanna say that I miss you terribly now. Terribly cos.. i'm having doubts again. =0(

End of Leave

Yeah.. leave's ended. Sigh.. Got the post-leave blues. Didn't feel like working. It's a cyclical thing with me i guess. The i-don't-wanna-work phase, then the eating-a-lot phase, followed by the shopping-a-lot, then buying-LVs, and then comes working-hard-to-pay-my-credit-card-bills. Hahaha...

Anyway CGK n/s then 308 tmrw. It was good.. Did my usual spa and hair spa. Tried chocolate spa this time. Not bad. Haven't been to London in a while. Gonna buy all my M&S cookies! And yeah of cos Primark wahaha. Ermmm did i say no more shopping? =p

I think i've been clubbing too much. =p Yesterday was Wed so while I was in CGK i got lots of W-R-U msgs asking me to drink. Hahaha... I have alcoholic friends i suppose. =p

Aiai was so sweet to accompany me for movie and DF the last night of my leave. I had a good time seriously. Talking (a little) on the swing... Her beating me flat at drinking games. It's a trend recently. I keep losing. Well i don't complain cos i wanna drink anyway but somehow i feel that i've gotten lousier at the games =p I love you ai. ;)

Need to pack my bag and sleep early. No joke man tmrw. Sigh...

Well he did sms ask where i am yesterday. I just replied cgk then no more texts. I was online whole morning n i think he left his comp on. When i went out to buy lunch he went offline so i suppose that indicates he's awake but nope. Nothing yet. Oh well.. Like i said. Holiday over so this little episode should be buried too. Right?

Leave and Clubbing

I cannot remember the last time i clubbed so much. Sunday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday! Tonight is Saturday. Hmmm... No kaki so far and well i'm psyching myself for a quiet night at home.

Had enough of giving in to people who don't appreciate it but take it for granted. Hey not everyone is submissive and all okie! And anyway if you cut open my veins now i think u'll find Martell and green tea and champagne instead of blood. =p

This is boring.


p/s: i finally bought sthg this GSS. Bras from La Senza! The one i really liked was discontinued. Boohoo!! And my highest ever pair of heels from Guess. It makes me REALLY REALLY tall. Almost 180. Wahahaha

345

U know how sometimes.. The harder you try to forget something, the more you try and pretend it's not there, the more omni-present it becomes??

I know you're trying to let me know that I'm not forgotten. I appreciate it. But it makes me miss you even more. Can't even pretend it doesn't affect me.

I actually checked the crew on the 38. Joy Ho is on it! I'm pretty surprised.. She should be like 1/2 yr ahead of me max and she's trained! I hope I get trained soon too. Well ater the jc99. Then again i would be back at STC pretty often then. JC99, 300ER, 345.

I'm bored. I think i'm weird. Whenever I go on leave i'm sian. I guess it's cos i really don't have a life... No one to go on holiday tog also.

=0(

A Letter To You

How and where should I start?

I'm not unhappy. In fact i'm very happy. SO much it scares me. And precisely why I feel even more upset when I'm alone. I know this would not amount to anything. Which is why i asked you why u cannot leave. Cos if and when I know.. I will accept it.

I feel quite sure my guess was pretty accurate. There're a lot of details about ur life that I dunno about. Which i guess i will never know. And i will never get a chance to. And simply based on that.. I will never be able to share your life like she can.

The younger me would have screamed that it's unfair. But now.. there's nothing fair or not. That's not the point. Becos you're not letting me. It'll only be fair if u give me the chance to. But you don't and u never will. I can't understand why. So i just have to accept it on blind faith.

It's true you know. That I've not said those 3 words to anyone for a long time. Shyan and I broke up partially cos of it too. I never did say it to u too. But at least i wrote it. And it scares me. Which is why nowadays i constantly ask what if i can't leave you.

It's like i've mentally adjusted to it. Like how I so wanna tell you i found a flight for us to do together after 1 night of scrolling thru COF board. How i wanna tell you i sms for my sq12 too. How i wanna ask if ur new niece is cute. How i cannot tell you why is it i always ignore you when u talk bout ur niece.

I dunno who to pou out all these to. i know what people will tell me or say if i do. Which is what u've said to me. I know all of it. I know the reality better than you can paint for me. Becos... it's me. Becos i feel the pain and sadness more than what I've been telling you. More than what Im willing to tell you.

I don't mean to make you feel guilty. I won't make things difficult for you also. And I know it'll only get harder to let go. And i know u're always thinking bout what's best for me. I just need you to be honest with me that's all. No matter how much the truth hurts. It's always better..

I know you want me to be happy. But you never let me finish what I was saying. There're many different kinds of happiness. It's just what kind we're after isn't it? Like i said.. I always feel that I'm kinda like an escape for you. Like how you might need a holiday after working hard. But ater that holiday you would go back to your life. And that doesn't include me. SO I just have to wait till the next time you wanna go on holiday again.

We both know what we're in for. I don't blame you. Seriously. Cos i take responsibility for putting myself in this situation too. Basically i have 2 choices now. I can be happy now.. and VERY sad later on when it has to stop. Or i can be sad now and hopefully happy later. I choose the former. Becos i'm sick of doing what's good for me. I wanna do what makes me happy. Even if it makes me as sad conversely. Do you understand?

I'm sorrie but the tantrums and breakdowns come as part of the package cos.. like i said i have feelings too. And it stems from not getting what i really want. U asked me that today. You should know what would make me the happiest. But like i said. I guess thats not possible. So i just have to settle for second best right? =0)

I've been thinking bout how long this can last too. And being the very smart person that i sometimes am, i would say till ur place is ready. Cos then it would be quite difficult. Do you know what the hardest thing is? The fact that i cannot call/sms/reach you as and when i like or need. And that... you're most definitely snoring now even without me.

That's the most bitter pill to swallow.


我讨厌冬天的风
冷的那么刺痛
只有你能够抚平所有的寂寞

昨天的风筝在角落
被谁丢到了路口
我很不想让你找到离开的理由

每一夜 闭上眼睛
我看到了噩梦
你微笑 但是旁边的人不是我

天空切开一道裂缝
直接割到我心中
不想装做脆弱
也不想爱的懦弱

其实我非常爱你
不想失去你
难道我没有权利
说我不愿意
你给了他的吻 虽然只有余温
可知道我多渴望抓住你的心

我知道他很爱你
你怕他伤心
我每天假装开心 害怕你离去
可不可以任性 求求你不要去
藏在我心里最后一句
其实还爱你

可不可以任性 求求你不要去
藏在我心里最后一句
其实还爱你

Frankfurt, LVs and Beijing

I never did blog bout my FRA trip. There's a clamp-down bout blogging bout the company so yeah u-know-what. Well typical FRA... U know. I made 14 cup noodles by myself though. Record breaking right?

Anyway i bought 2 LVs. The new Galleira (spelling??) and a pochette i can use as a dinner bag and also comes with a sling strap. Pretty versatile. Cost me 1125 euros though. =p And i bought another Longchamp for mommy which she complained about AGAIN. Sigh.. U just can't be nice enough rite..

Anyway I was looking forward to a long break but well he got called up so i changed flight last min. Rushed down to do a manual cof somemore. Was worth it. It's always worth it. You. Quite a happy trip.. Got to know another fss. I keep calling her Christina cos she reminds me of Chris so much. Well mainly cos she hanged out with us and was totally oblivious till we became very obvious haha.

Was my first trip to PEK. Didn't do any sightsee-ing though he offered to bring us. No shopping either cos i was thinking bout my 4XXX credit card bill. =o( Didn't spend a cent during this trip cos he paid for everything. So sweet.. =0) We went for lunch, massage, funny dinner and slept. Too bad it was so short.

Everyone was nice. Light load back so IFS deployed me to jcl to learn. Well he was J2 all the way. Later on the jcl crew realised it. They caught on much faster than Gladis though hehe. Ironically, crew on short flights are always so nice. Pity.

It didn't end very well though Had one of those episodes just before bed. Sigh.. More bout that later. Chris came to pick me. Which was a shock. Dunno. Am numb.

Sick

Dunno if it's the KIX hotel but i'm sick. I had diarrhea while i was there. So did my LSS and JSS. Anyway the room was so dry that i drank 2/3 bottle of milk tea and still ended with a very sore throat. Hey... milk tea is fluid too yeah!

Anyway.. went crazy shopping in KIX. Finally bought my Mikimoto pen. Though it's kinda cumbersome cos it's difficult to stash into my top and when anyone wants to borrow a pen i have to find another company pen wahahha. Bought another one for Mommy too and kena hiam! She said aiyah i wanted you to buy me sthg else. Fainted! Why can't people just accept gifts with a so-sweet-thank-you???

Oh well i figured I deserved a treat cos i've been working so hard! I was calculating yesterday. I think my total take home this month is.... wahahaha. But am so afraid i'll blow it all at you-know-where in FRA! Oh god...

Anyway I worked as C4 on the way up. EY super light load and i had to work jcl. Sigh.. but it was a good experience. Learnt a lot. And my JSS even photocopied her seat plan for me! So swwwwweeeett!!! So the climax was.. when i walked out of the gate and past the holding room, we saw the outgoing crew.

And there he was. I immediately walked away and hid behind my gs. And my gs happily shifted away and i saw HER with him. My goodness.. how do they do it? They can actually change to do EVERY flt tog! I can't even do one! Anyway then i asked another fss to stand in front of me again. It was quite a rude shock though she hasn't said anything on her blog. Well maybe to prove that i'm not worth mentioning or sthg but it affected my mood for bout... 2 hrs. Hehe..

Yesterday I was watching this show on tv (i haven't watched tv in ages!) and Louis Koo was on it. He was grappling with this beautiful, attractive gal or this simple, considerate one. Okie this would sound crap to you but he said sthg towards the end that made me tear.

这个世界有很多人可以让你心跳加速
但是那种感觉不行持久
有一天你会发现你对她没了感觉

只有那个每天默默陪在你身边的
才是永恒

Translated into English it simply means that in this world we might meet many people that can cause us feelings of excitement or rather what we loosely term as sparks or chemistry. But that feeling will not last long. One day you will realise that you've lost that initial euphoria. Only the one who has been beside you, through your ups and downs, the one who has been supportive all the while, that lasts for eternity.

Does it still hold true?