Aftermath

I'm back. We're back.. to our own worlds.

The trip was good generally. Though we did quarrel very badly in LAX.. over Disneyland. Eventually we did go but well it could have been better. Was also the first time that I've ever experienced the same kinda rage and speechlessness I used to feel when quarreling with Chris. I was shocked. Really...

I didn't mean to drink a lot last night. In the end i got so drunk i don't rem how i got home. And i lost my hp. And my house key. So i went to get Omnia when my hangover got a bit better. In fact I was so drunk i don't rem crying. Until Alex msn me this afternoon and asked why i was crying so badly. =(

Dwayne was quite nice.. Entertaining me the whole evening. I guess he's guilty bout ditching me last night. But.. I just don't wanna drink anymore. It doesn't help. Not one bit.. Cos when i wake up with a humongous hangover, I still think about him. Bout what he's doing and how he doesn't have time for me.

Maybe it's better this way.. Maybe after it all.. after he comes back.. the pain and emotions would have lessened. Maybe we don't even have to end it. Maybe it'll just die off..

Becos I realised. It's been a while since he says he loves me and such. Been a while since I felt that.. despite everything he really wants to be with me. All i feel now is that i'm tiring him out.. i'm pressurizing him and he doesn't feel happy with me. Seriously.

The whole trip.. Whenever he sleeps i wake up, just looking at him. And i realise that I do wanna look at him.. for the rest of my life. And even after the quarrel.. when we make peace.. When i WANT to make peace.. I realise again that he can be the one. But.. it's just not meant to be.

I won't make extra effort anymore. I just want... a kind of peace from knowing that.. if we continue it's cos he wants it and not that I'm pushing him. On the other hand I know this can't go on any much longer. I want him but i can't bear to push him away.

It's come to a point whereby i don't wanna think about it anymore. Cos it literally gives me a headache just thinking. Like now....