Intuition

I'm beginning to trust my intuition more and more. I had this feeling that he's back. This morning when he smsed me.. the whole day.. I felt so lost. So helpless.. Like an empty shell walking around. EVery single thought was bout him and what to do.

I guess part of my not-talking-bout-him meant i swept everything under the carpet. Now it's time to do some housekeeping and all these crumbs are making me miserable. I think i've disected and whined and analysed everything to pieces and I still dunno what to do.

When he smsed a couple of times and I didn't reply i wondered why he didn't call. When he did, i didn't dare pick up. I really dunno what to do. N i actually felt scared. Scared of repeating the whole cycle again. In the end I caved in as usual.

He said he's trying for my ewr. I dunno at which point in time.. I started wondering continually that.. things that he does.. Is it cos he wants to do it? Or he feels obligated to. THen i told him honestly that I was home but didn't noe wat to say. I used to really look forward to 345 until I realise that well he prolly knows a lot more pple there. And our time together will be limited to 4 walls again.

I fell asleep just now. Cos was cramping very badly.. I dunno y but the cramps are getting worse again. N i feel dizzy. And i get this need to sit/squat/lie down. Am glad will be at STC instead for the next few days..

Anyway.. so when i got up.. i miss him like crazy. So i texted him that. And then i realised.. for almost 2 weeks.. he just disappeared from my life. When he finally came back.. there were no I-miss-yous or how-have-u-beens.. I feel so invisible.. Like that time in the tpe hotel. I was on the bed watching tv.. well i was actually watching him go about his stuff. And it hit me that... at that moment.. if u just cut me out of the picture.. He'll still be going about his chores. And nothing will change. I'm that dispensable..

Today i kept fighting the urge to reply him. I have this constant fear.. that he thinks i'm throwing tantrums. I always worry.. that if i don't reply him and it happens that he can meet me. Then he wouldn't. And i won't get to see him again for who noes how long. I noe i should put a stop to this. It shouldn't be like this but...

I dunno when is it that.. We're no longer happy together. Maybe i should rephrase it. I'm very happy when i'm with him. But when he's not with me, it's many times more depressing than the happiness it brought. And with regards to him.. He always gives me this impression that I'm suffocating him. That i'm pressurizing him.

Baby.. if u happen to read this sometime... Today i didn't pick up cos i was scared. I'm scared that I would tell u i wanna see u. WHich i do. Very much. But i dunno what will happen when i see u. I told myself.. if i continue seeing you after all this... it means i'm accepting all that has happened. And i won't throw tantrums anymore. To acheive that.. it would mean.. i won't care as much anymore too.

And i'm afraid i can't. I can't make myself not care bout you. And yet i can't make myself ignore u. Recently u keep asking if i'm unhappy. I really dunno? Cos i am happy with you. That's what's important to me. But i feel i can't make u happy... which makes me upset in return. DO u understand?

I told myself.. during the period.. from ur dinner till yesterday.. IF u attempt to contact me.. As long as you attempt.. I will be with u. But the reality is.. like every other time.. All u can say is sorry. I don't need your sorrys.. there's nothing to be sorry about too. I should have expected this. But.. have u ever wondered what happened to me while u were away? Have u ever thought bout what's happenening to me?

Increasingly.. I find it hard to believe that u love and u care bout me.. when u keep doing things like this. But.. who am I kidding? I can't even remember the last time u said u love me.. or u miss me.. or feel that u really care about me.

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