It's a Beautiful day!

Wooohoooo the weather is quite sunny and nice and the most important thing is... I'm gonna see my baby in 1 hr's time! Yipeeee! =D

Lalalaaa i'm so happy! Anyway i went DF for the 1st time in a couple of weeks. Wasn't too fun. Quite empty for a Wed and Denise and Irene left early! Well Ah Bao made me stay and was quite nice to me. Luckily Hazel was around his cove too so I didn't feel too lonely =p

But... i think i'm done with drinking. Seriously. Nowadays i don't even like to drink green tea on normal occassions cos i have so much green tea during our drinking sessions! Speaking of green tea.. Yesterday was the 1st time also that I got free and AUTO top-up of green tea! So surprised. Seems like.. it's good to know the right people as usual... Bleah! =p

Anyhow.. after my birthday I think i'm gonna cut down on drinking and clubbing le. Getting old and it's bad for my pocket. I just got my credit card bill. How on earth did i chalk up 4K+ when I didn't even make any big ticket purchases?? I'm so screwed lah. Must cut down already. =p

But i'm still happy. Hee... We're gg for lunch and movie. I shall go look for movie times now and we'll play mj tonight.


Sighz.. he just called. Change of plans le. Can't play mj cos it'll end too late. That's wat i've been thinking or vexing bout. If we go out and do stuff then eventually he'll have to go home to sleep. Which defeats the purpose cos i finally get the chance to sleep tog! BUT if we book a hotel then.. there's really nothing much to do. Sigh... feel like all the fizz has gone out of me. =(

Shower time.

Weird

This is so funnie. Just as i keep lamenting that I have nothing to do on off days, people all wanna meet-up on the same days! What's happening??

Sometimes i feel as if i have no riends. Like you know how I used to be able to hang out everyday with Pika and gang. Someone is defintely free to meet. But now... I feel as if I have no anchor in my life. Like i'm just drifting along.. Passing day after day.

Anyway.. am meeting the love of my life tmrw and he can be with me the whole day! Yay!! But i really dunno what to do actually. And i want him to rest since he has to be up early on friday and even earlier on Sat. Poor thing...

I had a little discovery just now. I was too lazy to blow-dry my hair so i just scrunched Potion 9 and went to take a nap. Now... my hair looks the same as if i had dried it. FAINTED!!! Waste of my time.

Too Free

Yeah i have 4 off days after the sny, which... was a disaster. In some ways i guess. Never felt so ocstrasized (spelling??) in my entire time here! All cos of a stoopid gay gs. Grrrrr irritating. I can never get along with sisters!! I guess i should start packing my roster and visiting the COF board more often.

Anyway... he can come out tonight but cannot meet me. Sigh... And now i cannot sms after midnight. But i was really very very angry and very very sad and super bullied. :( At times like this then i wonder what's the point. Of continuing like this... I need someone who can be there for me anytime.

I purposely kept all my off days. Didn't make any plans also. Don't wanna confirm meet-ups with my friends just in case you're free. In the end? You asked if i'm angry. Honestly i'm not. But what else can I say? Either i get used to it.. or i just get myself out of this isn't it? There's really no other way around it. And nowadays i even try to sound happy or at least not upset so you wouldn't feel guilty or upset or sthg. Sigh... Why can't i even be sad when i really am? =0(


I was really happy when u spent time with me on Sat. I know u're making an effort. But really.. everytime i have to see you go i'd rather you not meet me at all. Cos the rollercoaster feeling is damn cruel. Maybe in a way i'm numb already. Just like i was planning stuff for us to do if you come out.. Like mj or maybe we can go Sentosa again or sthg. But i don't dare to think bout it anymore lest i get disappointed again.

Do you know how difficult it is to deliberately not revolve your world around 1 person... when it's all that you really want to?

Lao Chai!!

Arghhhhhh that's what Daniel keeps calling me nowadays! And all the guys keep telling me i look older and that straight hair suits me better. On the other hand, all the gals say i look nice with curled hair too. Ah sigh...

Anyway i'm glad i finally did it. Ive been whining and considering for far too long. Soetimes it's like that isn't it? When we think about sthg too much, when we're too occupied with the consequences and repercussions of doing sthg, then we never get around to doing it. The inertia just becomes too great. When you finally bite the bullet and do it, you start to think of ways to handle the situation better.

But... the first step is always dificult That first step...

Anyway.. jc99 is over and I went ktv with christy, grace, franscisca and her hubby, ying ying and her soon-to-be bf benjamin and jerome. Sean was there also with Jian Ling but they both left early cos they have to work tmrw. We were supposed to head to DF but Ying cancelled cos Ben's bag is too heavy so he's not that keen. Daniel asked me to go watch dvd at his house but am not comfy with the idea even though I know nothing will happen. We're just good friends. Christopher offered to entertain me if i go join him at DF but well Alex will be there so i'm not too interested too.

So... I came home! Hehe so proud of myself. Are you proud of me? ;)


Edited to add: I actually uploaded a pic of my curled hair BUT it's so ugly sigh... should i rebond back?? =0(

New Look!

Yay i finally permed my hair!!! Wahaha... i didn't have to style it today cos well it's wet run i have to twist it up. Anyway i don't think i'll be able to do it properly!

It's not really the kind of curls i was hoping for but i'm prepared cos I know the kind i want can only be done using the curling tongs and it's temporary. Plus i just trimmed my hair. Arghhhhh why did i do that??

And i was looking at Potion 9 etc when I was in Beautyland. Why didn't i get it?? Haha oh well.. i might tire of having to deal with it every night and morning and rebond it again after a while. =p


Wahaha... not very clear but oh well.. Chris said i look older. Shucks... =0(

Musings

Was telling grace today.. U know how as humans sometimes we really wanna know something. But when that something turns out to be negative or what we wouldn't have liked to hear or it doesn't conform with what we think then we'd rather not hear it?

And how sometimes we think we wanna know but when we do we'd rather not know? Or how we'd go all out to get something we really want.. or THINK we really want but when we get it then the feeling changes? Is it just the joy of the pursuit? Or that we beautify it so much in our quest for it thus egging our desire but in actual fact it might not be what we want/need/imagine it to be?

Everyone keeps saying my late nights sparked my allergy. Maybe you're right but well all i know is that it has never happened before. Even when i was doing a lot of late nights partying during our first year. Maybe it's age maybe it's something i ate or inhaled or whatever. But yeah we all jump to conclusions. He said it's alcohol poisoning. Maybe you're right, maybe you're not. But the important thing is.. that's not what i want to hear!

When will we all ever learn to be sympathetic and supportive without being judgemental? Why do we as humans or maybe just Sporeans have to pinpoint something or someone to take the blame? Why can't we just accept that it happened and try to remedy the situation? Yes i'm not saying we don't have to find out the cause but why all the accusations? The doctor said it's probably due to my immune system being too strong thus the reaction (rashes). Over some time as our system weakens the flare-ups will reduce too.

And by the way.. who in the world wouldn't wanna sleep if he/she can? Certainly not me! And i keep telling you i can't! Why wouldn't you listen? It's not as if i haven't tried staying home and counting sheeps and drinking milk and taking melatonin and all that nonsense. I just can't. And i get super frustrated TRYING to sleep when i can't. I sleep very well out-station though and i'm trying to get more sleep nowadays instead of waking up and going to lunch or dinner with the crew if i can help it.

I know you're gonna tell me i should exercise more etc again. Who with? I don't like to go gym and i hate running. You should know that. Sigh whatever. It's come to a point whereby i dunno what to say to you. All you ever tell me is sleep more, don't go out till so late, don't party so much, don't drink too much. And it becomes like a looping tape. I know you're concerned. But yup.. that's pretty much all you can be.

Today after lunch i was craving for dessert esp cake. So i bought Beard Papa (i rediscovered my love for BP cream puffs in BNE!) and Grace wanted to buy too cos they looked so yummy. Then i proceeded to Rive Gauche cakes and i wanted to try the Guanaja. It looked so good that Grace was tempted to. In fact i think all Rive Gauche cakes looked good and i didn't know what to have. Was contemplating buying an assortment home for my family too.

Then my phone rang. I didnt know what to say. I wanted to go pick him up from the airport. I even planned to do so. Then.. i realised it's bout usually the time she gets off so... Wouldn't make sense for me to go. So we planned to go home sleep, which was unusual for me but it was cos the medication made me really drowsy. Anyway we talked for a bit then while i was on the phone I asked Grace to get our Orange julius and go.

When i got off the phone she immediately said that I'm unhappy. So much so that i forgot bout my cakes. Then i realised.. yeah. I actually left w/o getting any. And now my Beard Papa is still sitting in the fridge. No mood anymore.

Searching for my foundation course notes now. Only found 2 out of the 4 sets we're supposed to bring. I dunno whether to bring not. =p He's my ward leader so have to give him some face. But it's so heavy!! And too big to stash into my bag. Sigh.. how...

I shall eat my dessert and pack my bag a little and take the meds hopefully it'll make me sleep.

Self-realisation

Talking to Christopher in the car just now made me realise a lot of things bout myself. In the first place, Ive never said so many sentences to him before! Wahahaha.. But well.. be it he was trying to impress me or whatever, he sounded logical and reeasonable. Much unlike his cool persona.

I realised... actually i don't think i'm a very demanding person when it comes to my partner. I just need you to love me. Cos with love comes respect. Comes consideration. And loads of other stuff.

and i believe that a lot of things in life are reflectve. They are reciprocal. Or it just so happens that... I'm the kind of person that.. If u're nice to me i'll be 2X as nice back. But if u're not nice to me then why should i bother?

I'm not looking to settle down as in get married and have kids. I feel very restless. Don't feel like gg to work.. don't feel like doing anything. I feel as if my life's very stagnant. Like its never gonna take off. Like i'll never find a focal point in my life. I'm merely existing, not living.


Sometimes i wish i could find someone I can share my life with. We don't necessarily have to end up getting married. As long as we know what each other wants... each other expects and don't step out of the boundary. U still have the space to do what you want.. what you like. Just keep in mind the other person waiting for you and things will all fall in place.

Is it that difficult? Well it doesn sound difficult i guess.

Allergy

Well after mj on mon night i tossed and turned and just couldn't sleep. Bout 7.30am i realised it's cos i've broken out in huge patches all over my body! Again... Sigh. It's been happening a couple of times and i really wonder what caused it. Daddy said it's 'hong mok' whatever that is.

Anyway i eventually got to sleep and when i woke up i looked okie so i went for bne. After touchdown i napped as usual and when i woke up for lunch there it was again! So made an appt to see the doc in bne and concierge gave me the wrong address! Thankfully i asked around and cos I used to do bne quite often with EK i eventually found the place.

Now that i'm home.. My nose suddenly decided to bleed for no reason. Now my table's covered with bloody tissues and it just keeps dripping through the tissues! Sigh...

And my luck with men must be at an all time low. Malaysian indian! Oh my gawd. Sigh...

不想懂得

当世界不知不觉的变了
有时候我怀念以前的我
作的梦虽然远远的
想像是一种快乐

拥有了同时也失去什么
而眷恋原来会带来软弱
你让我在雾里成熟
心开始曲折

我不想舍得不想懂得
是谁惹谁言不由衷
说谎伤害都是不安犯的错
怕抱不紧什么

我不想舍得不想懂得
谁说割爱才更深刻
彼此依赖是爱不是负荷
互相照顾就是幸福的

当世界不知不觉的变了
有时候我怀念以前的我
作的梦虽然远远的
想像是一种快乐

拥有了同时也失去什么
而眷恋原来会带来软弱
你让我在雾里成熟
心开始曲折

我不想舍得不想懂得
是谁惹谁言不由衷
说谎伤害都是不安犯的错
怕抱不紧什么

我不想舍得不想懂得
谁说割爱才更深刻
彼此依赖是爱不是负荷
能握着手就是感动的

我愿意一秒钟放弃全宇宙
只在只有我们紧靠着的小星球

Complexities of Life and Love

Have you ever wondered.. Or has it ever happened to you.. Why do people not want you and yet do not wanna let go? Or more specifically.. why do all these guys not wanna be with me and yet do not wanna let me go???

It's so frustrating when this person goes around telling people you're his gf. Then all the guys avoid you like the plague. And the actual fact is that he doesn't even treat you like a close friend. Then when you want him to un-tell everyone he doesn't do it. Then u ask him if he seriously wants to be together he tells you to take things slowly. I'm not even interested in the first place. I'm pissed cos hey u're ruining my good name aren't u? Well and my chances as well wahahaha.

Then there's this other one. Sigh... I dunno wat to say, do or make of him. U say u want me, love me but there's another more important person. Yet day in day out i have to reassure you that it's you i want and love. How many times do you want me to do it? How can you want the best for me, want me to be happy and yet... I dunno wat to say really. You cannot be with me but you can't let me go. You cannot give me what I want but you want me beside you.

Every single night i'm alone but you're not. And then you'll turn around and tell me you should let me find my own happiness. And then i'll have to reassure you again. I'm tired. Really. It's kinda like... I have to give in to you all the time. Make you feel secure etc. But what do I get in return?

Anyway men are all the same. It gets even more ironic when a player tries to warn me off another player. Haha.. I didn't know whether to laugh or scoff. And I dunno whether to laugh or cry when a guy asks me out and then claims that we met there by chance cos he's afraid of the repercussions or rather the wrath of that first person. And i was so pissed when that first person told me this pilot went around exclaiming that i asked him out when i was just politely returning his call and I was with my gfs and he joined us. Arghhhhhh men!

Egoistic, obnoxious, self-centred, swanky bastards! Okok just those that i've had the bad fortune to meet!

Well i've already gotten rid of the withered flowers, dried flowers, potpourri, pictures of still flowers in my room. Someone should share another tip with me!

It's Amazing...

How I have to sit on my cargo bag every last sector on SQ2. Amazing. And in particular, this time i didn't think I bought much but well I had to top up again. Maxed out the allowance, my topup and ifa. And we got 2.5 times up and down somemore. I'm the best!

I bought.. 1 Kate Spade bag for mommy, 1 clutch for myself (yay!), 2 tops from Guess, 1 from Bebe, 1 from Ted Baker, nail stuff from Beautyland, 3 dresses, 1 skirt and a bag from Argyle Centre (for friends), 3 tops and 1 pants from H&M, jeans from Old Navy... Hmm that's about it i think. Funnie... where did my money go??? =p

Half of SFO was on sale but well nothing much to shout about. The whole of HKG was on sale and it was serious. Well people were buying Gucci by the truckload and the entire store looks like some kinda pasar malam (night market) place. I hate it when the environment becomes like that. Makes me feel very vexed and I don't bother digging thru the piles.

Luckily my shopping mood passed. Otherwise I think i could have blown my entire bonus in HKG. Who am I kidding? I ALREADY blew my bonus.. =p Anyway.. SQ2 is pure evil. I have to think thrice before i do it again!! But i met some really nice gals this flight. I have pictures! Even though i forgot my camera.




Kate, Tianyi, Rhoda and Me



Forced to take a crabby pic!



Me and all our food. Yummy!!

A&F

In SFO now. Clear day morning. Am starving but i dunno if the gals are awake. The gals on this flt are all younger than me! I really feel old. But they're all sweet and nice. Well the locals actually...

We went Fishermen's Wharf yesterday and had Bubba Gump. My first sightseeing of sorts in SFO. Usually am too busy shopping =p But somehow this trip is disappointing. Not much nice items even though there's sale everywhere. Hmmm maybe that's y. Even my Old Navy jeans were out and i had to get a longer pair.

Sleeping is a pain as usual and i'm tired most of the time. Plus the shopping it's quite a great distraction. N the girls of cos. Which is good. I know i'm supposed to think bout us but... It's just too painful. Whenever i think bout it like... now.

When i went into A&F the whole place smells of Fierce. Which reminded me of you. Shyan asked me to buy polo tees for him. They had some but they look like the ones i've bought for him previously. Then i saw the one you like to wear. I like u wearing it too. The white with thin pink stripes one. It was the last piece and the exact size. M. Which is quite rare since it's on sale.

I was torn over whether to buy it. I don't wanna buy it for someone else to wear esp when i love seeing u in it. Really hit me very hard. So i was just stoning in the chair, thinking bout us, missing you and scolding myself while waiting for the gals. Then someone squatted beside my armchair and said the following with a really American twang to it.

Him: Iknowthissoundsweirdbutican'thelpasking. Idon'tnormallydthisbutcanigettoknowyou?
Me: *blinks* I'm sorrie come again?
Him: Oh I was just saying I think you're kinda cute so.. Can i get your number?
Me: *blinks blinks* I'm not from around here.
Him: Oh.. (turns and runs)

Wahahaha it was over before I could even comprehend what was going on. I think he's from A&F cos I saw this walkie talkie in his hands while he was rattling his lines. I was still stoned and went back to thinking bout him till the gals came back.

If only you're with me now... =0(

How???

Really dunno what to do. Or rather I know what will happen if i take path A, path B, path C.. But i dunno if i can take it.

I dunno if u'll be able to take my nonsense if we continue. I dunno if u'll get fed up of all this and still leave eventually. I'm scared of the day you tell me u're having your customary. Scared of the day you tell me your house is ready. Scared of the day you tell me she's pregnant.

I dunno if the time apart that u're suggesting will make you miss me more. Or it'll make you realise you can actually do without me. After all.. before we met we were doing fine individually. There're a lot of things that I dunno. That i will never know..

I'm terrified. Of losing you. Of losing myself.

Nailing My Own Coffin

Edited: I've taken down the photos. Only becos i don't wanna get you into trouble. I promised i would never make things difficult for you or harm you in any way.

This is about the last thing i can do for you.

MC

Yup once again it's cos of a guy. Well technically it's cos of swollen eyes. But u noe what i mean..

I promised myself and you that I will tell u whatever's bothering me. I knew that if i said it this would happen. So in the afternoon I held back. I'm glad i still did it eventually. Cos i now noe a lot more bout u and how u view things and me.

I guess it'll happen sooner or later. Some things u said really hurt. Maybe I took it the wrong way, maybe it's not what u meant. But still... I think i've already said almost everything I want to. Those that i didn't i guess there's no point now also.

U ask me y is it after every flt, outing, party we'll end up like this. Cos it's a rollercoaster. We're the rollercoaster. What goes up must come down. No matter whether u believe it or not i'm very happy with u. Which is why i wait and wait for ur calls and smses. I drop everything just to spend time with u. I've never said no to u.

I just want you to remember. I want myself to remember. That even if given a chance... or a choice... U still wouldn't choose me. That is why we parted. It's not becos i dont love you, not becos there's someone else. But simply becos no matter how much u claim u love me, how much u miss me, how much u want me, there's always someone else more impt.

It's not an obligation or responsibility that you hold towards her. That was my mistake for assuming. U have CHOSEN her. So i hope u stay true to your choice.

You still remain the 1 person i've loved since you-know-who. Ive given him up for you. Given up the fairytale ending I was always hoping would happen for 6 yrs. And I will tell you this.

I believe it's worth it. You're worth it. I still love u. It's not gonna change for sometime. But sthg has to. So i have to.

原来

I always thought she's the one who cannot do without you. Which is why despite everything she waited and forgave and eventually she made it.

When you said she WILL leave. Something broke inside me. It's not the same anymore.

原来是你离不开她.

So where does that leave me?

Late!

Alarm didn't go off and I was nearly late! Or maybe i didn't hear it. Luckily i woke up with 1 hr to go. And here i am still blogging. Not bad eh...

I just wanna say that I miss you terribly now. Terribly cos.. i'm having doubts again. =0(