Uniform Requisition

Hmmm supposed to meet Grace at 10.30 but been calling her but she's MIA! Put off measuring uniform for her cos we wanna do it together but oh well still no luck. Only 1 slot today so gotta go down and see how. If she doesn't wake up soon i'll have to go down by myself then. Haven't collected my shoes and ordered the sandals yet too! Arghhhhh...

This morning i thought something was wrong with my hp. I smsed but no reply. Called but never pick up. And the worse part was when i plugged in the charger the hp didn't charge. Sigh.. and I changed many many sockets. I guess it's time to change phones. Butbut am damn broke actually sigh. Dunno what phone to get also... But i have this feeling that I'll prolly get it today haha.

Was just thinking as I was washing up... it's been more than 2 weeks and i guess the dust has pretty much settled. Sometimes I still have the urge to pick up my phone and ask if he's doing alright. But i'm scared. Of the rebuff. Of the suspicion of why i'm doing what i'm doing. Of the reality that he will ignore me.

I gather they're still together. I dunno if her current personal quote is aimed at me but it sure doesn't sound good. Sometimes I wonder where all these people get their confidence from? Haha. I mean okie i don't have low self-esteem but some people just don't have much to be swanky about? U know what i mean?

Actually.. a large part of why I deferred my leave was cos I know he's on leave too. I was planning on diving but well. So i have to be away. Anyway I sleep well nowadays when I work. When i'm tired from exercising. So.. I just have to keep moving i guess. =0)

Grace where are you????

Standby

I hate being on standby. The toto feeling is worse than waiting for roster! And I will wanna stay home to cheat and peek through Aircrews instead wahaha.

Just did MNL turn. Haven't done that in a long time. As suay as ever but luckily my crew were all nice. =0) Flew with Marc again after all this time. He still remember the Harris incident! Lol...

I so wanna do Tpe-Lax after seeing Niki in the briefing room again this morning. She still remembers me and happily informed me she's going tpe. Haha.. I love Tpe. Not only cos of the station but cos of the significance it holds for me. And esp Sq28. SO sad they're gonna stop it in October. =0(

I must change for another Sq28 before that happens and hopefully it'll go according to plan. =0)

誠實地想你 - 郭采潔

世界忽然變型　忽然很安靜
無助的我ㄧ秒間　失去重心
聽你不停為我擔心　看你不停離我而去
你　要我照顧自己

是我做了什麼　讓天使生氣
還是忘了做什麼　幸福遠離
也許該要真的相信　有種愛較遠遠關心
痛　卻又哽住呼吸

我　用狂奔　用無力　用惡夢　去想你
我討厭命運驕傲的神情
嘲笑我沒半點權利決定

我　用痛苦　用回憶　用深愛　去想你
去體會什麼是迫不得已
越懂才越有勇氣　誠實地想你

是我做了什麼　讓天使生氣
還是忘了做什麼　幸福遠離
也許該要真的相信　有種愛較遠遠關心
痛　卻又哽住呼吸

我　用狂奔　用無力　用惡夢　去想你
我討厭命運驕傲的神情
嘲笑我沒半點權利決定

我　用痛苦　用回憶　用深愛　去想你
去體會什麼是迫不得已
越懂才越有勇氣　誠實地想你

是不是　擔心　我怕黑不敢前進
那顆　本來沒墬落的流星

我　用狂奔　用無力　用惡夢　去想你
我討厭命運驕傲的神情
嘲笑我沒半點權利決定

我　用痛苦　用回憶　用深愛　去想你
去體會什麼是迫不得已
越懂才越有勇氣　誠實地想你

Being Healthy

I finally went blading again after so long. Cannot make it! So slow boy! N i still fell... once.

I like the feeling of being or trying to be healthy. I kinda sleep better too. After tennis i went for BNE and when i came back yesterday, I slept from 9+pm till 12 today! Haven't slept so long in a while. Felt really good to be sleeping...

When reality is there in front of you it's scary. Especially when i get breakouts and it takes too damn long to heal! I'm getting old!!!

On that note.. it's not that I don't wanna settle down. I can't find someone to. Yes i know i'm not getting any younger. Yes i know i look and seem high-maintenance but I'm not! And i'm glad YOU think i'm not too. Made a lot of difference to me. Somehow you always seem to be able to cut through any sign of pretence i put on, any strong front. Which is why i treasure you a lot. Thank you.

We both know where we stand and we don't have to make things so clear. I'm just really happy to have your company. But sometimes.. I dunno. I'm afraid i'm taking up too much of your time and effort. And.. I don't wanna make things difficult for you. Tough actually...

Oh well.. Carpe Diem. As long as we're happy...

Aching arms..

Finally played tennis after 4 years this morning! Now my arms are killing me. How to close compartments later?? Hahaha...

But am happy. I haven't slept so soundly in.. i dunno.. months? And I haven't felt this relaxed and happy in months too. Had a great day yesterday at The Ultimate and then late lunch. The night didn't end too well but enjoyed myself this morning.

I keep telling myself not to get all giddy-headed again. And well the feeling's kinda different. AT least all the cards are on the table. And i conjure THAT mental image everytime I need some grounding.

I'm just grateful for the company. I know I still need to find something for myself. I'm not so sure I'll go out of my way trying. I need a break.

Thank you though. =0)

Cha-Ching!!

I spent another 1k these 2 days.

I know I get bitten by the spending spree bug sometimes. But this is 1 time too long!!

Someone stop me please!

=0(

Me and My Bags

I'm so so sooooooooo lemming for a Prada or Miumiu. Sigh.. Come to think of it, since my birthday last year when I bought my LV wallet I haven't bought anything else. And i know what u['re thinking!! But nope Longchamp doesn't count. =p

My wallet's disgustingly off-white already but it'll be too much to change it. Hor? *racks brain*

I love the Prada envelope clutch! I THINK it retails for 630 over here. Prolly bout 500 in FRA then? God.. I knew I don't get FRA for a reason. I think i'll blow my entire month's pay on the Miumiu coffer and Prada Nappa or enveleope clutch. Then again.. don't remember seeing Miumiu in FRA.

Did i mention i'm supposed to be saving up for my own place in 2 yrs? =o(

Bark Cafe

I finally got to see my honey after so long!! She looks so blissful I could puke. Wahahaha just kidding. I am happy for her. Very happy in fact. Looking at all the pictures of her and her bf... ah sigh.




I satisfied my craving for chicken chop horfun too! And after that we picked Grace up and went to Bark Cafe where I had chicken wings again. God.. i need new uniforms! I took another photo which I really treasure but can't post.


1 month. =0)


Edited to add: Someone told me she saved more than 40K in 11 months. OMG!! Where did all my money go???????

Because I Care

Somehow.. being at home.. alone.. at night is different from being away. I'm still alone.. still quiet at night but somehow I'm more impetuous.

I blocked my number and called him just now. Phone rang once and I hung up. In shock and in fear. I guess I dunno what I'm doing. A very stubborn part of me just doesn't want things to end so ugly. The other more logical part of me reckons I don't have a choice.

I still wonder if he's eating properly. If he's resting enough. If he still crazily give up all his off days. If he still injures himself during soccer. If anyone's taking care of him. If she's giving him a hard time. If she's taking care of him. If.....


再給我兩分鐘
讓我把記憶結成冰
別融化了眼淚
你妝都花了
要我怎麼記得

記得你叫我忘了吧
記得你叫我忘了吧
你說你會哭
不是因為在乎

Home

I'm back.

It was good to be away. Wasn't that fantastic a flight but Vancouver was amazing. I love nature. Did i ever tell u that? I loved walking to Capilano Suspension Bridge, with the freezing cold wind in my face. Cleared my head a lot.

To my dearies that are worried bout me, i'm okie. Really. Maybe I really needed this utter humiliation to make myself quit and give up. Now i don't think about it anymore. I guess there's no point and nothing to think about also. It's as if my brain has automatically blocked out the whole episode. And this person.

Michelle from 904 was on the flight and we talked quite a bit. It was truly refreshing to have someone on the same level to talk to. It made me realise some things about myself that I've forgotten. That i'm not about the LVs and what to eat, where to party, who to mahjong with.

She reminded me of Alvin and how we used to talk about everything and nothing at all. She reminded me how it is to be intrigued by another person's past and experiences. After all we're who we are now because. She reminded me how to really talk and draw another person into conversation. I've been caught up with my own problems for too long.

Anyway I didn't bring my camera and i hope they keep to their promises to send me photos. Didn't go up to Whistler in the end. Next time prolly. Maybe the next YVR would be like 10 years later??

Shower time

WHat Hurts The Most

I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house,
that don't bother me
I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out
I'm not afraid to cry
Every once in a while even though going on with you gone
still upsets me
There are days every now and again
I pretend i'm okay but that's not what gets me

What hurts the most, was being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
Never knowing, what could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do

It's hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go
But i'm doing it
It's hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and i'm alone
Still harder getting up, getting dressed, living with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade, give away all the words that I saved in my heart
that I left unspoken

What hurts the most, is being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
Never knowing, what could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do

I'm not afraid to cry
Every once in a while even though goin on with you gone
Still upsets me
There are days every now and again
i pretend i'm okay but that's not what gets me

What hurts the most, was being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing, what could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do

Utter Disgrace

Yep. Talking bout myself. I utterly, eternally disgraced myself in front of him and a few other crew. Whatever happened to 'the earlier and more determined to let go now, the more space and dignity you'll leave yourself when you look back one day'????

I never knew that... to ignore someone is such a difficult and yet easy thing to do. It just feels like... hell froze over that area the person is in. Your eyes magically skip that spot he's on. U tell yourself there's a gaping hole there but yet you're conscious of his every move.

The entire flight i didn't look at him. Not once. I simply didn't dare to. Until that talk in the crew room. I just stared and wondered could this be the person I have so been wanting to be with? Why do I not recognise him now? What happened to all the sweetness and tenderness he once looked at me with? Now there's only hatred and disgust.

I shall start with the beginning of the flight itself. Since my fish's memory will prolly fail me in a couple of days' time, this will be a record for posteriority. I wanna remember this. And everytime I feel weak I will come back and read this.

He was the last crew to come into the room besides the IFSS. Sherrill was sitting nearest the door but he did not intro to her. Later i realised not only I noticed that. I stood up and introduced myself. I got a glare in return and that was it.

I went for the flight in quite a bad condition. I didn't eat, didn't sleep and all the alcohol from the last night was in my stomach still. Oh i missed the part about.. I naively asked if we could do the flight like how it was supposed to be. Maybe that's just me. I know the answer but I still hope. As long as there's a glimmer of hope i'll try.

Anyway he said he cannot cheat on karen anymore. And he suggested i think about it and there's still a few more minutes to report sick. I was already preparing. At that moment it struck me. I was the one who had to change for the flight. Y do i have to report sick now? Y can't YOU report sick?

I worked with Sherrill on the way up. She was B2 he was J2. He kept coming down to help. So much so that everyone noticed. CS even joked bout it. In the crew bus they sat together and didn't join us for lunch. Do you know how it feels? To be that near and yet so far from a person that u love? I wondered on the bus.. If she hadn't been on the flight, how would it have been like?

When we got to our rooms, Tricia wanted to go buy stuff to eat. I accompanied her cos i wanted to get water. For him. Yes i know. Stoopid. But i really did. I wanted to just leave it outside his room. We went but Coles wasn't open yet and actually nothing was open. So we had to go back again.

When i came down for lunch and tricia said they weren't coming, i knew. But what can i do about it right? I spent a long time waiting in my room, willing the phone to ring, hoping it'll be him. I waited till I fell asleep. But....

After lunch when we were on our way to The Bottle Shop, i had this call from an unknown number. I thought it was my grannie. When i picked up, the lady asked if i'm Irene and I said yes speaking. Then she said: Is Hermann with you? I was shocked. I asked who it was but she didn't wanna reply. So i just said he's not. I asked if she's karen but she hung up and i smsed him telling him karen called looking for him.

Tricia is the best witness. She heard everything.

So we bought our alcohol and went back to my LS room. The conversation kept turning back to him and Sherrill. Every ten mins or so someone will bring it up. LS or LSS or IFSS. And they say... suggestive things bout what they're doing. My face just got blacker and blacker and with more alcohol I just got more agitated.

I think i finished like 4 bottles of beer in 1 hour. Forbidden Fruit and Grand Cru so i was really mixed up inside. I started crying and wanted to leave the room. The next thing i rem i was outside, knocking on his door. But then again, i have smses in my phone from him that he can't talk now and to tell the ifss later. This part.. i really have no recollection.

The next thing i rem, everyone was gone from the room except for me, him n ifss. Subsequently when i was alone i wondered where did tricia n lss go. But anyway... i just kept crying and crying and i wondered. How can u bear to let someone u claim to love suffer so much? How can u look at me in that state and tell me that karen is too afraid of me to call? I think if i remember correctly she called and he asked if she called me and she denied. If u have the guts to call then y not admit it? I thought about it. Even if she didn't, she asked someone to? The fact is that it happened.

*Edited to add: In the end it ended pretty badly. In fact.. I fainted in the lift lobby but i think he thought i was drunk and plonked me on the armchair. I made out some murmuring but don't know what happened too. Forced myself to go back to my room and just collapsed outside. When i opened my eyes again my pouch and keys and coins and everything were scattered outside my room door and I was slumped against the wall. It hit me then. How pathetic I am and how heartless you are.*

And the reality is that when push comes to shove u just don't believe me. Karen is like the angel cos she did nothing wrong and you cheated on her. But i'm the bitch who spoilt everything and made her commit suicide. But... ultimately who's the one hurting her? When did it become my fault? I take my fair share of responsibility. But then again.. if it's not me it'll be another girl... right?

All i had to say.. it's not bout bringing up the past. It's about closure. Becos i hope.. you feel some responsibility towards me. Obviously not. Ifss thinks i don't know how to play the game. She was wrong. I do.. I've been taught the rules of this game in a most cruel and heartless fashion. I know.

I thought about it before telling Karen. It wasn't spur of the moment, it wasn't out of bitterness, it wasn't in hope that u guys will split and I'd have a chance. I know that by doing it u'll hate me. I know that by doing it i'm giving u a chance to blame me. I know that by doing it u'll feel even more guilty towards Karen. I know that by doing it... i'll push u back to her. I know... and i did it. Regardless whether u believe it or not NOW, i hope that 1 day u will. I hope that 1 day in ur heart u'll realise or remember that Irene is not such a person. I hope you remember the Irene that you wanted to be with.

Becos end of the day. U were right ironically. I'm a fantasy. And fantasies don't belong in the real world. When u wake up, when u see karen... everything else vanishes. Doesn't matter how beautiful it was. Doesn't matter how sad it'll be. I went into it willingly. I waited, trusted and believed. The only thing i didn't do was to not push u. Cos if didn't push u all the time, trust me, we'd have done this flt tog happily. And we'd have dragged on and on.

I know you don't believe me. I guess it doesn't matter. In the sense that.. I'm hurt u don't trust me. But it doesn't matter to u cos that's not what u care about anymore. To this day, I've never called u, never thought of u as a player or bastard. Even when I heard Sherrill in ur room.

Letting go is difficult. Cos there're so many things i don't understand. Like y things changed so drastically after SFO. There's so many things I wanna say but you're not interested in hearing anymore. There's no closure for me.

But 1 thing is certain. Now that i've dragged your name through the mud; Now that i've belittled and degraded myself; Now that i've plunged myself into the depths of disgrace, everything can only get better right?

For both you and me.

On the bus ride back today. I purposely sat right at the back but.. you guys just had to come sit near me. U didn't have to sit with her but u did. We all guessed why but i don't wanna think of you like that. Not at all. I was listening to a song repeatedly. And that song is for you.


Rascal Flatts: My Wish

I hope the days come easy and the moments pass slow,
and each road leads you where you want to go,
and if you're faced with a choice, and you have to choose,
I hope you choose the one that means the most to you.

and if one door opens to another door closed,
I hope you keep on walkin' 'til you find the window,
if it's cold outside,
show the world the warmth of your smile,
but more than anything,
more than anything

My wish, for you,
is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
your dreams stay big, your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,

and while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you,
and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

I hope you never look back, but ya never forget,
all the ones who love you, in the place you left,
I hope you always forgive, and you never regret,
and you help somebody every chance you get

Oh, you find God's grace, in every mistake,
and always give more then you take.
But more than anything,
Yeah, and more than anything

My wish, for you,
is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,

and while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you,
and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

My wish, for you,
is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
your dreams stay big, your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
and while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you,
and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.
this is my wish

All Good Things Must Come To An End

I think i'm hopeless. I actually smsed him. Was tossing and turning and trying to sleep. Couldn't get the Sherrill coincidence out of my head. So i msged him.

I know my feelings won't go away instantly. Maybe after countless nights of mj and alcohol to numb the pain, i'll be okay. How long this time? I dunno. All i know is.. I don't want his last memory of me to be this bad. And i don't wanna remember him like this also.

So i asked him if we could do this flight like how it was supposed to be when i changed for it. Sometimes i feel like the dumbest creature on Earth. Like.. how to when things are so bad and he has a.... friend(?) on board?

That's my problem you know. Hope is my problem. I hope too much. Hope for too much.

Paranoia

I just realised what I found so familiar. The name of this fss that wanted to change for ADL. She was on the same icn sfo as him. And she's asking for adl 2 days before the flight. A bit last min right? I dunno. Maybe i'm getting paranoid. Maybe my system is so highly-strung i see things differently now.

It shouldn't bother me. That's the prob. It shouldn't but it does. Maybe it'll be good. Maybe if i physically see him being nice or close to someone else other than Karen it's gonna plunge me so deep that i won't feel anything for him anymore.

We went to Lunar yest. I had so many drinks. Was worse than at Powerstation the last time. U know Denise and gang. My bro and John were there also so I knew they'd take care of me. Though John was giving my bro probs. At some point i was real upset and raving. They msged him. He... didn't? couldn't? wanna come get me.

After that i sobered up a little. I just couldn't bloody forget no matter how much more i drank. Then i started smsing him again. Levine started ranting and it was the first time i saw him cry. I understood how he felt and i know no matter how much i wanna knock sense into him it wouldn't work. Cos... it's the same for me isn't it.

This morning Chia told me the things he smsed her. Y does everyone always like to be seen as a good guy still? When u've done so many bastardly or unkind things? Like Colin. Like Chris. Like Shyan sometimes when he's just being wishy washy. Like..... him.

U already told me u can't end it with her before i told her what happened. Y do u still put it such that u were ending things and i had to 'help out'? Essentially u told me it's over between us. Don't twist and turn the story. It's tiring to talk to you simply cos u have no guts to admit to anything. If you wanna let me go, do it properly. Don't leave any trace of hope. And things wouldn't be how they are now.

When will I ever find my tree amongst all these weeds?

It's All Over

I did sthg i never imagined i would do last night. I told on him. And... it went exactly like how i thought it would. For better or worse.

Okie some guy just walked into the room. My bro's friend. Kinda awkward now. Will continue later.

My PC crashed. Damn!

HKG-SFO 02-09 April

I swear doing SQ2 is not good for my bank account AT ALL. I spent like almost 2k this trip. *SssSsSShHhhhHhh*

Was trying to take pics of all the stuff i bought. Then realised the pics don't do my clothes justice so.. scratch that. It all started with my lemming to switch to SKII skincare after the facial at Raffles City made me realise hey! I'm not sensitive to the products anymore.

Add to that a 20% discount at DFS and I'm sold. I bought Facial Treatment Essence, Facial Treatment Clear Lotion, Basic Trial Set, Skin Rebooster, Aqua Physics moisturiser, Repair C and Signs Treatment Totality (Mommy's birthday pressie) and they all set me back $7XX. Yeah.. so even before i started work i was in deficit of bout 800 bucks. =p

Shyan asked me what did i buy and i started counting:
3 tops from Causeway Bay and 1 pair of shorts plus many SKII masks in HKG
1 pair of jeans and 2 tops from American Eagle
2 tops and 2 pairs of shorts from Old Navy
8 pairs of thongs and 6 bottles of bodycare stuff from Victoria Secrets
2 tops from Bebe
1 top from Guess
1 cutsie jacket with matching puppet gloves from Paul Frank
1 top and 1 boxsie from Uniqlo

Hmmmm not a whole lot right? I forgot to bring my mamasan bag but well I still had space in my cargo bag. *shrugs* And of course I had my dose of Cheesecake Factory and mango dessert. And i found another brand of designer jeans to waste money on. Killah! Their back pockets are so nice! You should go check them out online. Too bad i don't get to do 300er flights or else I can get them in Milan or Rome. Did i say too bad? Maybe it's a blessing in disguise. =p

Been spending like there's no tomorrow. Maybe i don't believe that there's a tomorrow that i'll be looking forward to. Dunno. Been feeling kinda empty recently. Don't know how to put it into words exactly. Which is why i thought of writing my first Chinese blog entry. Cos i saw this tv programme on MSTV (some Macau station) which had 2 male celebrity guests talking bout their most memorable and unforgettable relationships.

They had this female guest writer and she sorta doubles up as a psychoanalyst of their character and experiences. And it was spine-tingling how she hit their emotions spot on when they themselves couldn't express it. Amazing. I wish i could be like that. Sometimes i feel that.. adopting other people's problems makes your own seem less significant. But of cos the side effects are hazardous. You kinda double your problems. It works like gambling. Double or nothing. Haha. Okie.... out of point.

My PC isn't equipped with the hanyu pinyin software though. Weird. I thought i downloaded it aeons ago. Prolly have to use my cute little lappie. There were some things she advised the celebrities that hit me as... truths of life. You know sometimes.. somehow.. even though you know certain things but reality often blurs them up? Like.. it all depends on which angle you look at it?

Take the dotted lines on the road for example. I forgot what their official name is but let's just call them dotted lines for now! If u stand vertical, looking at them from a 12 o'clock position, it looks like a straight continuous line isn't it? But it isn't! It's a broken, dotted line. So when people tell you 'things are not what you perceive them to be' tell them to stuff it! Cos that's why it's called a perception. Becos when no one can tell you what it definitely-101% confirm-guarantee-plus-chop is.. then it's up to you to make out what it is.

And you know sthg? Perception is more powerful than the truth. Like Nazis perceived Hitler was bringing them greatness and not creating destruction. Like people on placebos perceive they're getting proper treatment and medication and not sugary pills. And back to what I always preach: If i cannot feel that you love me... does that mean that you don't? It might not. You might love me in your own little way. BUT since i'm on the receiving end, since i don't feel it, can you claim to love me? Effectively?

Okie i'm... rambling. But when i can't sleep i keep thinking bout all these nonsensical n rhetorical stuff. I guess i'm really too free. I want to pick up all my sports again and lose the weight i gained since training school!

Today Va related his experience of how in the past he used to take care of his outward appearance when going out, in public etc and how he couldn't care less now. Gave me an interesting insight. We.. doll up basically either becos 1) we wanna look good for ourselves or 2) for others. But essentially we wanna look good for ourselves cos we feel good and that comes from an external source.

Okie to simplify things.. I told him he stopped simply becos he's not bothered anymore. He doesn't have to look good for other people. Becos he's not looking... Not looking for attention, for chances to try and so on.

Morale of the story is... I just spent 2k looking good for all of you. Don't you feel loved? ;)

Exhausted

I have a lot of things I wanna say, a lot of emotions that are pent-up, a lot of grievances that I don't know how to address.



I'm on the verge of breaking down. Almost there.