Paranoia

I just realised what I found so familiar. The name of this fss that wanted to change for ADL. She was on the same icn sfo as him. And she's asking for adl 2 days before the flight. A bit last min right? I dunno. Maybe i'm getting paranoid. Maybe my system is so highly-strung i see things differently now.

It shouldn't bother me. That's the prob. It shouldn't but it does. Maybe it'll be good. Maybe if i physically see him being nice or close to someone else other than Karen it's gonna plunge me so deep that i won't feel anything for him anymore.

We went to Lunar yest. I had so many drinks. Was worse than at Powerstation the last time. U know Denise and gang. My bro and John were there also so I knew they'd take care of me. Though John was giving my bro probs. At some point i was real upset and raving. They msged him. He... didn't? couldn't? wanna come get me.

After that i sobered up a little. I just couldn't bloody forget no matter how much more i drank. Then i started smsing him again. Levine started ranting and it was the first time i saw him cry. I understood how he felt and i know no matter how much i wanna knock sense into him it wouldn't work. Cos... it's the same for me isn't it.

This morning Chia told me the things he smsed her. Y does everyone always like to be seen as a good guy still? When u've done so many bastardly or unkind things? Like Colin. Like Chris. Like Shyan sometimes when he's just being wishy washy. Like..... him.

U already told me u can't end it with her before i told her what happened. Y do u still put it such that u were ending things and i had to 'help out'? Essentially u told me it's over between us. Don't twist and turn the story. It's tiring to talk to you simply cos u have no guts to admit to anything. If you wanna let me go, do it properly. Don't leave any trace of hope. And things wouldn't be how they are now.

When will I ever find my tree amongst all these weeds?