Utter Disgrace

Yep. Talking bout myself. I utterly, eternally disgraced myself in front of him and a few other crew. Whatever happened to 'the earlier and more determined to let go now, the more space and dignity you'll leave yourself when you look back one day'????

I never knew that... to ignore someone is such a difficult and yet easy thing to do. It just feels like... hell froze over that area the person is in. Your eyes magically skip that spot he's on. U tell yourself there's a gaping hole there but yet you're conscious of his every move.

The entire flight i didn't look at him. Not once. I simply didn't dare to. Until that talk in the crew room. I just stared and wondered could this be the person I have so been wanting to be with? Why do I not recognise him now? What happened to all the sweetness and tenderness he once looked at me with? Now there's only hatred and disgust.

I shall start with the beginning of the flight itself. Since my fish's memory will prolly fail me in a couple of days' time, this will be a record for posteriority. I wanna remember this. And everytime I feel weak I will come back and read this.

He was the last crew to come into the room besides the IFSS. Sherrill was sitting nearest the door but he did not intro to her. Later i realised not only I noticed that. I stood up and introduced myself. I got a glare in return and that was it.

I went for the flight in quite a bad condition. I didn't eat, didn't sleep and all the alcohol from the last night was in my stomach still. Oh i missed the part about.. I naively asked if we could do the flight like how it was supposed to be. Maybe that's just me. I know the answer but I still hope. As long as there's a glimmer of hope i'll try.

Anyway he said he cannot cheat on karen anymore. And he suggested i think about it and there's still a few more minutes to report sick. I was already preparing. At that moment it struck me. I was the one who had to change for the flight. Y do i have to report sick now? Y can't YOU report sick?

I worked with Sherrill on the way up. She was B2 he was J2. He kept coming down to help. So much so that everyone noticed. CS even joked bout it. In the crew bus they sat together and didn't join us for lunch. Do you know how it feels? To be that near and yet so far from a person that u love? I wondered on the bus.. If she hadn't been on the flight, how would it have been like?

When we got to our rooms, Tricia wanted to go buy stuff to eat. I accompanied her cos i wanted to get water. For him. Yes i know. Stoopid. But i really did. I wanted to just leave it outside his room. We went but Coles wasn't open yet and actually nothing was open. So we had to go back again.

When i came down for lunch and tricia said they weren't coming, i knew. But what can i do about it right? I spent a long time waiting in my room, willing the phone to ring, hoping it'll be him. I waited till I fell asleep. But....

After lunch when we were on our way to The Bottle Shop, i had this call from an unknown number. I thought it was my grannie. When i picked up, the lady asked if i'm Irene and I said yes speaking. Then she said: Is Hermann with you? I was shocked. I asked who it was but she didn't wanna reply. So i just said he's not. I asked if she's karen but she hung up and i smsed him telling him karen called looking for him.

Tricia is the best witness. She heard everything.

So we bought our alcohol and went back to my LS room. The conversation kept turning back to him and Sherrill. Every ten mins or so someone will bring it up. LS or LSS or IFSS. And they say... suggestive things bout what they're doing. My face just got blacker and blacker and with more alcohol I just got more agitated.

I think i finished like 4 bottles of beer in 1 hour. Forbidden Fruit and Grand Cru so i was really mixed up inside. I started crying and wanted to leave the room. The next thing i rem i was outside, knocking on his door. But then again, i have smses in my phone from him that he can't talk now and to tell the ifss later. This part.. i really have no recollection.

The next thing i rem, everyone was gone from the room except for me, him n ifss. Subsequently when i was alone i wondered where did tricia n lss go. But anyway... i just kept crying and crying and i wondered. How can u bear to let someone u claim to love suffer so much? How can u look at me in that state and tell me that karen is too afraid of me to call? I think if i remember correctly she called and he asked if she called me and she denied. If u have the guts to call then y not admit it? I thought about it. Even if she didn't, she asked someone to? The fact is that it happened.

*Edited to add: In the end it ended pretty badly. In fact.. I fainted in the lift lobby but i think he thought i was drunk and plonked me on the armchair. I made out some murmuring but don't know what happened too. Forced myself to go back to my room and just collapsed outside. When i opened my eyes again my pouch and keys and coins and everything were scattered outside my room door and I was slumped against the wall. It hit me then. How pathetic I am and how heartless you are.*

And the reality is that when push comes to shove u just don't believe me. Karen is like the angel cos she did nothing wrong and you cheated on her. But i'm the bitch who spoilt everything and made her commit suicide. But... ultimately who's the one hurting her? When did it become my fault? I take my fair share of responsibility. But then again.. if it's not me it'll be another girl... right?

All i had to say.. it's not bout bringing up the past. It's about closure. Becos i hope.. you feel some responsibility towards me. Obviously not. Ifss thinks i don't know how to play the game. She was wrong. I do.. I've been taught the rules of this game in a most cruel and heartless fashion. I know.

I thought about it before telling Karen. It wasn't spur of the moment, it wasn't out of bitterness, it wasn't in hope that u guys will split and I'd have a chance. I know that by doing it u'll hate me. I know that by doing it i'm giving u a chance to blame me. I know that by doing it u'll feel even more guilty towards Karen. I know that by doing it... i'll push u back to her. I know... and i did it. Regardless whether u believe it or not NOW, i hope that 1 day u will. I hope that 1 day in ur heart u'll realise or remember that Irene is not such a person. I hope you remember the Irene that you wanted to be with.

Becos end of the day. U were right ironically. I'm a fantasy. And fantasies don't belong in the real world. When u wake up, when u see karen... everything else vanishes. Doesn't matter how beautiful it was. Doesn't matter how sad it'll be. I went into it willingly. I waited, trusted and believed. The only thing i didn't do was to not push u. Cos if didn't push u all the time, trust me, we'd have done this flt tog happily. And we'd have dragged on and on.

I know you don't believe me. I guess it doesn't matter. In the sense that.. I'm hurt u don't trust me. But it doesn't matter to u cos that's not what u care about anymore. To this day, I've never called u, never thought of u as a player or bastard. Even when I heard Sherrill in ur room.

Letting go is difficult. Cos there're so many things i don't understand. Like y things changed so drastically after SFO. There's so many things I wanna say but you're not interested in hearing anymore. There's no closure for me.

But 1 thing is certain. Now that i've dragged your name through the mud; Now that i've belittled and degraded myself; Now that i've plunged myself into the depths of disgrace, everything can only get better right?

For both you and me.

On the bus ride back today. I purposely sat right at the back but.. you guys just had to come sit near me. U didn't have to sit with her but u did. We all guessed why but i don't wanna think of you like that. Not at all. I was listening to a song repeatedly. And that song is for you.


Rascal Flatts: My Wish

I hope the days come easy and the moments pass slow,
and each road leads you where you want to go,
and if you're faced with a choice, and you have to choose,
I hope you choose the one that means the most to you.

and if one door opens to another door closed,
I hope you keep on walkin' 'til you find the window,
if it's cold outside,
show the world the warmth of your smile,
but more than anything,
more than anything

My wish, for you,
is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
your dreams stay big, your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,

and while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you,
and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

I hope you never look back, but ya never forget,
all the ones who love you, in the place you left,
I hope you always forgive, and you never regret,
and you help somebody every chance you get

Oh, you find God's grace, in every mistake,
and always give more then you take.
But more than anything,
Yeah, and more than anything

My wish, for you,
is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,

and while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you,
and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

My wish, for you,
is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
your dreams stay big, your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
and while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you,
and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.
this is my wish