Spillage

I guess i've been too pre-occupied with my thoughts of him and it began overspilling.. and those that I didn't trust before became privy to the knowledge regarding him. That's not good.. Well at least they don't know who he is.

Yeah they pretend to be interested and sympathetic but after some time pple start to judge. But who are you to judge? When you don't understand how I feel? When you're juggling men yourself? When you swear blind you won't go back to the one who's cheated on you and you did? When you get attached to someone you barely know and just met?

Haha i sound like i'm stepping on the toes of everyone in the world but I don't really care anymore. I know who're the supportive ones and who really cares bout me. And i can differentiate those who're just out for gossip material and think that I'm being stoopid. You're not me nor him. I would love to say U wait till u're in the same situation then u would understand. But well i won't wish this kinda thing on anyone so... just STFU.

I was gonna blog bout what transpired via sms yesterday but.. I'm sick of it all. Been having thoughts of running away again recently. Haha.. yeah i know it doesn't help. It didn't in the past and i doubt it will now. I guess that's the power of age and experience. Wisdom and knowledge...

I Feel...

I feel rejected.
I feel empty.
I feel like a zombie.
I feel as if you don't want me or this or us anymore.
I feel that you're just waiting for me to say it, to make the first move.
I feel helpless.

So what I'm feeling... Is it the reality?

Intuition

I'm beginning to trust my intuition more and more. I had this feeling that he's back. This morning when he smsed me.. the whole day.. I felt so lost. So helpless.. Like an empty shell walking around. EVery single thought was bout him and what to do.

I guess part of my not-talking-bout-him meant i swept everything under the carpet. Now it's time to do some housekeeping and all these crumbs are making me miserable. I think i've disected and whined and analysed everything to pieces and I still dunno what to do.

When he smsed a couple of times and I didn't reply i wondered why he didn't call. When he did, i didn't dare pick up. I really dunno what to do. N i actually felt scared. Scared of repeating the whole cycle again. In the end I caved in as usual.

He said he's trying for my ewr. I dunno at which point in time.. I started wondering continually that.. things that he does.. Is it cos he wants to do it? Or he feels obligated to. THen i told him honestly that I was home but didn't noe wat to say. I used to really look forward to 345 until I realise that well he prolly knows a lot more pple there. And our time together will be limited to 4 walls again.

I fell asleep just now. Cos was cramping very badly.. I dunno y but the cramps are getting worse again. N i feel dizzy. And i get this need to sit/squat/lie down. Am glad will be at STC instead for the next few days..

Anyway.. so when i got up.. i miss him like crazy. So i texted him that. And then i realised.. for almost 2 weeks.. he just disappeared from my life. When he finally came back.. there were no I-miss-yous or how-have-u-beens.. I feel so invisible.. Like that time in the tpe hotel. I was on the bed watching tv.. well i was actually watching him go about his stuff. And it hit me that... at that moment.. if u just cut me out of the picture.. He'll still be going about his chores. And nothing will change. I'm that dispensable..

Today i kept fighting the urge to reply him. I have this constant fear.. that he thinks i'm throwing tantrums. I always worry.. that if i don't reply him and it happens that he can meet me. Then he wouldn't. And i won't get to see him again for who noes how long. I noe i should put a stop to this. It shouldn't be like this but...

I dunno when is it that.. We're no longer happy together. Maybe i should rephrase it. I'm very happy when i'm with him. But when he's not with me, it's many times more depressing than the happiness it brought. And with regards to him.. He always gives me this impression that I'm suffocating him. That i'm pressurizing him.

Baby.. if u happen to read this sometime... Today i didn't pick up cos i was scared. I'm scared that I would tell u i wanna see u. WHich i do. Very much. But i dunno what will happen when i see u. I told myself.. if i continue seeing you after all this... it means i'm accepting all that has happened. And i won't throw tantrums anymore. To acheive that.. it would mean.. i won't care as much anymore too.

And i'm afraid i can't. I can't make myself not care bout you. And yet i can't make myself ignore u. Recently u keep asking if i'm unhappy. I really dunno? Cos i am happy with you. That's what's important to me. But i feel i can't make u happy... which makes me upset in return. DO u understand?

I told myself.. during the period.. from ur dinner till yesterday.. IF u attempt to contact me.. As long as you attempt.. I will be with u. But the reality is.. like every other time.. All u can say is sorry. I don't need your sorrys.. there's nothing to be sorry about too. I should have expected this. But.. have u ever wondered what happened to me while u were away? Have u ever thought bout what's happenening to me?

Increasingly.. I find it hard to believe that u love and u care bout me.. when u keep doing things like this. But.. who am I kidding? I can't even remember the last time u said u love me.. or u miss me.. or feel that u really care about me.

='(

Movie Outing

Well i wanted to catch Wall.E and i asked Shyan if he wanted to watch. Gey kiang me went to suggest we should bring Luke along and Ling agreed! So we went to watch the 10.30am show at Lido this morning. And i got home at 7am after ktv!

Anyway the little monster is cute as the devil as usual. And it felt very heart-warming that.. despite not seeing him for half a year, he still loves me and likes to stick to me. In fact he wants to sit next to me at the theatre, at the restaurant, must play with him when we got home etc.

Ling and auntie are still very nice and friendly towards me. Well they're nice folks. Pity Michael got sucked down with the whole Lehman thing. Well with his expertise i'm sure he can find another job soon.

Dwayne coercing me to go Pasir ris park drink now but am really tired. Will have to pass.. Don't feel like drinking anymore anyway. I just feel empty... If only my room feels the same way lol.

Okie i'm not laughing... =(

What's Left...

Last night i realised that... Ever since he broke the news to me and i cried before the BKK, i never did cry bout it again.

Aiai invited me prawning with Janson and i brought chris along too. As usual chris started his nonsense but well i never stopped thinking bout him or it. I kept looking at the clock.

Towards the end of his dinner.. I told Dwayne i'm not gonna talk bout him anymore, that i'll try my best. But past midnight.. I dunno why i started crying. Maybe finally the reality of it all set in. Or maybe the secret hope that I'd been cherishing.. that he'd sms me.. even a couple of words... that hope vanished.

I know it's crazy to even think about it. Cos it'll be a busy day and well.. i think it'll be quite disrespectful to his wife but.. I dunno.. I keep telling myself he's busy and he'll be tired. But i can't shake off the feeling that... end of the day it's just how much u want to.

Like how easy it is to send an sms in the bus before nodding off to sleep.. How easy it is to sms in between sleeping periods.. It's just a matter of how much effort u wanna put in. Isn't it?

Anyway they're off now.. I wanted to check out their studio photos.. but i realised that he's restricted his friendster and facebook to friends only. And so has she. Maybe it's for the better. Maybe after this all these emotions and feelings won't be that raw anymore. Maybe i'll start to give up.

I started packing my room. Just clearing out the stuff from my table fills up half a huge trash bag. I think this project would be on-going for sometime. And hopefully it takes my mind off things. But the budget at 5000 is a little high isn't it.. Sigh we'll see.

I'll try my hardest not to talk bout him again to anyone. I'll try.

Aftermath

I'm back. We're back.. to our own worlds.

The trip was good generally. Though we did quarrel very badly in LAX.. over Disneyland. Eventually we did go but well it could have been better. Was also the first time that I've ever experienced the same kinda rage and speechlessness I used to feel when quarreling with Chris. I was shocked. Really...

I didn't mean to drink a lot last night. In the end i got so drunk i don't rem how i got home. And i lost my hp. And my house key. So i went to get Omnia when my hangover got a bit better. In fact I was so drunk i don't rem crying. Until Alex msn me this afternoon and asked why i was crying so badly. =(

Dwayne was quite nice.. Entertaining me the whole evening. I guess he's guilty bout ditching me last night. But.. I just don't wanna drink anymore. It doesn't help. Not one bit.. Cos when i wake up with a humongous hangover, I still think about him. Bout what he's doing and how he doesn't have time for me.

Maybe it's better this way.. Maybe after it all.. after he comes back.. the pain and emotions would have lessened. Maybe we don't even have to end it. Maybe it'll just die off..

Becos I realised. It's been a while since he says he loves me and such. Been a while since I felt that.. despite everything he really wants to be with me. All i feel now is that i'm tiring him out.. i'm pressurizing him and he doesn't feel happy with me. Seriously.

The whole trip.. Whenever he sleeps i wake up, just looking at him. And i realise that I do wanna look at him.. for the rest of my life. And even after the quarrel.. when we make peace.. When i WANT to make peace.. I realise again that he can be the one. But.. it's just not meant to be.

I won't make extra effort anymore. I just want... a kind of peace from knowing that.. if we continue it's cos he wants it and not that I'm pushing him. On the other hand I know this can't go on any much longer. I want him but i can't bear to push him away.

It's come to a point whereby i don't wanna think about it anymore. Cos it literally gives me a headache just thinking. Like now....

Insignificance

Well when I touched down this morning and turned on my hp, I realised Kristy smsed me that her daddy passed away.

I was so shocked. she sounded so sad in her sms.. like she's still in disbelief. I feel damn terrible. It's like one blow after another. And i'm gg away later can't go for the wake.

Sister if u're reading this, I'll always be here for you if you need me okie? All of my so called problems are nothing compared to yours. Don't worry bout burdening me or making me worry for you yeah? Cos i do care and so of cos i worry.

When the time is appropriate lemme know when you can meet up.

Apprehension

I keep having mixed feelings bout tmrw.. or rather later. I'm scared.. of a lot of things.

Scared that if i pretend nothing happened and continue to be happy, and i'll be really happy for like maybe 7 out of 8 days, I won't be able to let go. But if you want me to pretend to not know him or ignore him for 8 days.. I'll be damn miserable.

And my greatest fear.. i dunno what gave me this idea.. but i'm very scared he'll suddenly tell me he's come clean with her or he'll just tell me that he wants to stop this. I really dunno...

Managed to run almost all of my errands so I'm glad. Still thinking whether to give away the off days after. I don't wanna be around when... that happens.

On the other hand, I had a very fun FRA. Phewwww i hope it dispels my fra curse. Sidney made it really memorable haha.. And as usual fra is also very happening for me. Luckily this time things happened to others and not me.

I charged my camera, packed my bags. Just waiting... I've decided to let things take its natural course. Be it for good or for bad.. i paid a high price for this opportunity. Whether things turn better or worse after.. its beyond my control. I always remember what someone taught:

I can't force you not to leave me. I can only make it difficult for you to go.