Somehow i always feel as if i'm like the lowest priority on people's list. I like to think that I treat all my friends pretty well. But more and more i find that people just take me for granted. They only start contacting me when they need something.
Same goes with you. When you sms me at 2345 to go club and i have to wake up at 0430 and i still say yes, don't you see how much i wanna see u? What does it take to make you see that? That i'm willing to do anything and everything for you? That i'm sacrificing a lot to gain any little bit of time that you have for me?
And you think that i just keep throwing tantrums. Cos.. it's desperation and exasperation behind it. And the sinking feeling.. the knowing that it is just a facade.. a bubble that i'm unwilling to burst. An illusion that will dissolve at the slightest chance.
Why do i have to sink so low? What does it take to make someone care?
Thursday, May 29, 2008
Monday, May 26, 2008
Me, A Slut
Yup.. apparantly that's what someone thought of me. And u know something? I thought i'd care and be real upset bout it. But the fact was that I didn't. I accepted it. only question I asked was: When men go for variety they're Cassanovas. When women go looking why are they sluts?
Been thinking bout it. I don't believe in love anymore. I don't believe that anyone loves me enough to withstand my nonsense. That the people u love the most always have the ability to hurt u the most too.
And that humans are always selfish. They already have someone but they want u to be faithful to them. WTF? Or people sit on their moral high horses and judge you becos they never had the chance to live the life u're having. Or they're simply too afraid to. So they hide behind this shield of propriety.
So for the last time:
I am single.
I am passably presentable (haha)
I'm not looking for love.
I crave instant gratification.
I believe that a lot of temporary happiness creates an almost permanent situation.
I feel that i wanna settle down but i'm restless.
I believe that you never know till u try.
And most importantly, it's my life.
So if all that amounts to being a slut then yes I am one. Amen.
Been thinking bout it. I don't believe in love anymore. I don't believe that anyone loves me enough to withstand my nonsense. That the people u love the most always have the ability to hurt u the most too.
And that humans are always selfish. They already have someone but they want u to be faithful to them. WTF? Or people sit on their moral high horses and judge you becos they never had the chance to live the life u're having. Or they're simply too afraid to. So they hide behind this shield of propriety.
So for the last time:
I am single.
I am passably presentable (haha)
I'm not looking for love.
I crave instant gratification.
I believe that a lot of temporary happiness creates an almost permanent situation.
I feel that i wanna settle down but i'm restless.
I believe that you never know till u try.
And most importantly, it's my life.
So if all that amounts to being a slut then yes I am one. Amen.
Sunday, May 25, 2008
Hard At Work
Been working non-stop lately. Well partly in an effort to curb my spending spree and also well.. to avoid staying in Spore and feeling lonely and doing stoopid things. But then again, i realise i do stoppid things out-station anyway!
I always tend to sleep better out-station. I don't know why though. Maybe it's the comfy sheets and pillows. Maybe it's the whole away from home and worries feeling. But i still can't shake off the loneliness.
This last NRT-LAX i met another player again. Yeah like wat's new right. But this one really knocked my socks off. With his boldness! He like touched every single one of us everywhere! He even took my pen from you-know-where-we-stick-it himself! Okie he's a LS and he's housemates with the IFS but still...
But i noticed that he didn't do anything much in front of the IFS. Anyway the IFS has a 24 yr old fss girlfriend! Can u imagine... Anyway yeah i did stoopid things again. The fss that wanted me to top 600 bucks.. in the end we ended up being real chummy. Everyone said we couple-code wahaha.
Moral of the story: I attract all the wrong people. I act stoopid when i'm lonely. I do crazy things when i'm high. Enough said.
I still read her blog from time to time. Lotsa pics as usual and funnily.. i think it's boring. The blog i mean. It's just pictures and pictures of her in every position imaginable. Well not really cos it looks like she only takes pictures one-directional. When i see pics of him i don't feel anything anymore. Which is good i guess. No bitterness, no nothing. Which means not even the happy memories. Cos i'm starting to question the reality of it all.
Anyway the LS was telling me bout his divorce, bout loving and being rejected, bout not opening his heart up anymore. He sounded a lot like the old Chris. And i wonder how much of it is real. The old Irene would have lapped it up. WOuld have wanted to help him believe in love. But the Irene now cannot even help herself.
I've had enough of shoppng, enough of spending, enough of sleeping, of caring, of listening, of waiting, enough of whining, of everything. I feel so lousy. I wanna settle down but i know i'm restless. I don't wanna hurt anyone anymore.
So will all of you stop hurting me?
I always tend to sleep better out-station. I don't know why though. Maybe it's the comfy sheets and pillows. Maybe it's the whole away from home and worries feeling. But i still can't shake off the loneliness.
This last NRT-LAX i met another player again. Yeah like wat's new right. But this one really knocked my socks off. With his boldness! He like touched every single one of us everywhere! He even took my pen from you-know-where-we-stick-it himself! Okie he's a LS and he's housemates with the IFS but still...
But i noticed that he didn't do anything much in front of the IFS. Anyway the IFS has a 24 yr old fss girlfriend! Can u imagine... Anyway yeah i did stoopid things again. The fss that wanted me to top 600 bucks.. in the end we ended up being real chummy. Everyone said we couple-code wahaha.
Moral of the story: I attract all the wrong people. I act stoopid when i'm lonely. I do crazy things when i'm high. Enough said.
I still read her blog from time to time. Lotsa pics as usual and funnily.. i think it's boring. The blog i mean. It's just pictures and pictures of her in every position imaginable. Well not really cos it looks like she only takes pictures one-directional. When i see pics of him i don't feel anything anymore. Which is good i guess. No bitterness, no nothing. Which means not even the happy memories. Cos i'm starting to question the reality of it all.
Anyway the LS was telling me bout his divorce, bout loving and being rejected, bout not opening his heart up anymore. He sounded a lot like the old Chris. And i wonder how much of it is real. The old Irene would have lapped it up. WOuld have wanted to help him believe in love. But the Irene now cannot even help herself.
I've had enough of shoppng, enough of spending, enough of sleeping, of caring, of listening, of waiting, enough of whining, of everything. I feel so lousy. I wanna settle down but i know i'm restless. I don't wanna hurt anyone anymore.
So will all of you stop hurting me?
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
COF
OMG i just feel like tearing my hair out sigh.
Have finally settled my auh thingy. I hope. I've agreed to the COF and topup and i really hope it goes through. But i'm really sad that I won't be able to do CHC. It would be so much fun plus sky diving.
Did i really make the wrong choice? But that gal refuses to confirm with me sigh. I'm afraid at the end of the day i'm gonna end up with nothing. And this SQ12 deal is too good to pass. Am just afraid i'll be tired. AND overspend again.
Am seriously beginning to regret. How... =0(
Have finally settled my auh thingy. I hope. I've agreed to the COF and topup and i really hope it goes through. But i'm really sad that I won't be able to do CHC. It would be so much fun plus sky diving.
Did i really make the wrong choice? But that gal refuses to confirm with me sigh. I'm afraid at the end of the day i'm gonna end up with nothing. And this SQ12 deal is too good to pass. Am just afraid i'll be tired. AND overspend again.
Am seriously beginning to regret. How... =0(
Monday, May 12, 2008
张惠妹-如果你也听说
突然发现站了好久
不知道要往哪走
还不想回家的我
再多人陪只会更寂寞
许多话题关于我
就连我也有听过
我的快乐要被认可
委屈却没有人诉说
夜半信仰丛白剥落
拿掉防卫剩下什么
为什么脆弱时候
想你更多
如果你也听说
有没有想过我
想普通交朋友
还是你依然会心疼我
好多好多的话想对你说
悬着一颗心没着落
要怎么附和
舍不得又无可奈何
如果你也听说
会不会相信我
对流言会附和
还是你知道我还是我
跌跌撞撞才明白了许多
懂我的人就你一个
想到你想起我
胸口依然温柔
许多话题关于我
就连我也有听过
我想我宁可都沉默
其实反而显得做作
夜半信仰丛白剥落
拿掉防卫剩下什么
为什么脆弱时候
想你更多
如果你也听说
有没有想过我
想普通交朋友
还是你依然会心疼我
好多好多的话想对你说
悬着一颗心没着落
要怎么附和
舍不得要无可奈何
如果你也听说
会不会相信我
对流言会附和
还是你知道我还是我
跌跌撞撞才明白了许多
懂我的人就你一个
想到你想起我
胸口依然温柔
如果你也听说
有没有想过我
想普通交朋友
还是你依然会心疼我
跌跌撞撞才明白了许多
冷漠的人就你一个
想到你想起我
胸口依然温柔
如果你想起我
你会想到什么
不知道要往哪走
还不想回家的我
再多人陪只会更寂寞
许多话题关于我
就连我也有听过
我的快乐要被认可
委屈却没有人诉说
夜半信仰丛白剥落
拿掉防卫剩下什么
为什么脆弱时候
想你更多
如果你也听说
有没有想过我
想普通交朋友
还是你依然会心疼我
好多好多的话想对你说
悬着一颗心没着落
要怎么附和
舍不得又无可奈何
如果你也听说
会不会相信我
对流言会附和
还是你知道我还是我
跌跌撞撞才明白了许多
懂我的人就你一个
想到你想起我
胸口依然温柔
许多话题关于我
就连我也有听过
我想我宁可都沉默
其实反而显得做作
夜半信仰丛白剥落
拿掉防卫剩下什么
为什么脆弱时候
想你更多
如果你也听说
有没有想过我
想普通交朋友
还是你依然会心疼我
好多好多的话想对你说
悬着一颗心没着落
要怎么附和
舍不得要无可奈何
如果你也听说
会不会相信我
对流言会附和
还是你知道我还是我
跌跌撞撞才明白了许多
懂我的人就你一个
想到你想起我
胸口依然温柔
如果你也听说
有没有想过我
想普通交朋友
还是你依然会心疼我
跌跌撞撞才明白了许多
冷漠的人就你一个
想到你想起我
胸口依然温柔
如果你想起我
你会想到什么
Long Break
This is such a long break for me. Somehow I always don't feel like going back to work after some time away. Okie even though I always maintain it's not really like 'work' work.
I went wakeboarding on Sunday after a 2 yr hiatus! When a national wakeboarder and the boatman both say my riding's okie I think i'm really okie! Haha.. i'm not good lah but i'm not that bad i guess. =0)
Jo went first then me. I kept falling! I seriously dunno why. I keep failing to stand but when I do i'm okay. It's the standing part that always has me hesitating. And when you lose the momentum and try to make up for it you fall harder. Kinda like life isn;t it? My life anyway.
Watched Ironman with Jo and Keith Sat night then DF again. Alex came later with Francis. I think i should start avoiding him. No more crew meal! No no no! Sometimes i really admire Jo. She has no lack of men around her. Okie she says the same bout me but.. Why do I always fall harder? She's smarter. She just lets go of the handle.
Went for KLunch today. My first time! With crew from my ATH. Was quite fun though I sang horribly. Just cannot get the key! ANyway the lunch sucked but well it was cheap. Michelle sang this song on my blog now. I think i heard it somewhere before but... when it was playing i thought bout YOU.
Reminded me of that time at ktv. I think i'm such a sadist you know? I like to push myself and the ones that I love. And even if i know it's gonna end badly, even though i know it's gonna hurt me in the end, i still do it. It's just this illogical side of me that like to sabotage myself.
It's like you tell me the pot is hot. If you touch it now you'll burn yourself. And this stoopid girl will tell you maybe it's cooled somewhat. That's the hopeful side. The other side will tell you 5 or 10 minutes later it'll still be hot. If i have to move it somewhere I'd rather hurt now than later. Stoopid.
Not a very good analogy but you know what I mean. Pig-headed. I'm always in such a state of confusion I bury myself in trival things to make the hours.. the days pass faster. But.. i never learn from my mistakes. And i like to wallow in self-pity when I'm alone. That's not good.
Someone once told me I'm recycling my negativity. But.. most people don't see me like that you know? Well cos most people don't know bout this blog! Only a handful.. like less than 5 definitely. And I can't think of anyone who reads this regularly. I think. Hahaha...
I need an outlet. I don't like complaining to people. As in yeah i bitch and then it's over. But the things that really bug me. The things that hurt... I don't like to talk about them. Jo asked me bout ADL. I just said it's over. Actually i never told anyone the story in its entirety.
I've been trying to change flight for the past 3 weeks with no success. Why is it so easy for others? I appreciate the effort really. SOmehow u managed to stop me from blowing and I actually felt guilty. I think... that's the most powerful weapon of all u know? Not tears, not anger.
Guilt.
I went wakeboarding on Sunday after a 2 yr hiatus! When a national wakeboarder and the boatman both say my riding's okie I think i'm really okie! Haha.. i'm not good lah but i'm not that bad i guess. =0)
Jo went first then me. I kept falling! I seriously dunno why. I keep failing to stand but when I do i'm okay. It's the standing part that always has me hesitating. And when you lose the momentum and try to make up for it you fall harder. Kinda like life isn;t it? My life anyway.
Watched Ironman with Jo and Keith Sat night then DF again. Alex came later with Francis. I think i should start avoiding him. No more crew meal! No no no! Sometimes i really admire Jo. She has no lack of men around her. Okie she says the same bout me but.. Why do I always fall harder? She's smarter. She just lets go of the handle.
Went for KLunch today. My first time! With crew from my ATH. Was quite fun though I sang horribly. Just cannot get the key! ANyway the lunch sucked but well it was cheap. Michelle sang this song on my blog now. I think i heard it somewhere before but... when it was playing i thought bout YOU.
Reminded me of that time at ktv. I think i'm such a sadist you know? I like to push myself and the ones that I love. And even if i know it's gonna end badly, even though i know it's gonna hurt me in the end, i still do it. It's just this illogical side of me that like to sabotage myself.
It's like you tell me the pot is hot. If you touch it now you'll burn yourself. And this stoopid girl will tell you maybe it's cooled somewhat. That's the hopeful side. The other side will tell you 5 or 10 minutes later it'll still be hot. If i have to move it somewhere I'd rather hurt now than later. Stoopid.
Not a very good analogy but you know what I mean. Pig-headed. I'm always in such a state of confusion I bury myself in trival things to make the hours.. the days pass faster. But.. i never learn from my mistakes. And i like to wallow in self-pity when I'm alone. That's not good.
Someone once told me I'm recycling my negativity. But.. most people don't see me like that you know? Well cos most people don't know bout this blog! Only a handful.. like less than 5 definitely. And I can't think of anyone who reads this regularly. I think. Hahaha...
I need an outlet. I don't like complaining to people. As in yeah i bitch and then it's over. But the things that really bug me. The things that hurt... I don't like to talk about them. Jo asked me bout ADL. I just said it's over. Actually i never told anyone the story in its entirety.
I've been trying to change flight for the past 3 weeks with no success. Why is it so easy for others? I appreciate the effort really. SOmehow u managed to stop me from blowing and I actually felt guilty. I think... that's the most powerful weapon of all u know? Not tears, not anger.
Guilt.
Saturday, May 10, 2008
Frenzied Thoughts
My mind is such a whirlpool of thoughts now. It's on overdrive so much that I didn't sleep during crew rest and my eyes still big big after ATH.
Hahaha been so long since i had this kinda eyes bigbig feeling. I remember the last time was when I came back from FRA and met Aiai without sleep. She thinks i'm Superwoman. And ever since then I never had FRA!! And i have it again now after such a long time! Someone must have heard me complaining! Wahaha
Or someone really wants me to help Grace buy her wallet and bag hehe. Oh no.. my bank account is in trouble again. =p
Okie.. I'm high from lack of sleep.
What about a new handphone? Wait for iPhone N96? Settle for N82? Give Samsung another chance? How bout converting to Sony Ericsson? Eeeeewwwww.....
I love weddings and wedding photos. *pout* Jann and Jay's are very nice. Someone else is taking his tomorrow. When's mine gonna happen? =0(
不开心
Hahaha been so long since i had this kinda eyes bigbig feeling. I remember the last time was when I came back from FRA and met Aiai without sleep. She thinks i'm Superwoman. And ever since then I never had FRA!! And i have it again now after such a long time! Someone must have heard me complaining! Wahaha
Or someone really wants me to help Grace buy her wallet and bag hehe. Oh no.. my bank account is in trouble again. =p
Okie.. I'm high from lack of sleep.
What about a new handphone? Wait for iPhone N96? Settle for N82? Give Samsung another chance? How bout converting to Sony Ericsson? Eeeeewwwww.....
I love weddings and wedding photos. *pout* Jann and Jay's are very nice. Someone else is taking his tomorrow. When's mine gonna happen? =0(
不开心
Tuesday, May 6, 2008
The Right Thing
Why is it always difficult to do the right thing?
Gonna delete everything. Should ask for Bob's number first? But.. who's gonna go play with me then? Sigh...
I hate it when YOU ALL always throw the ball into my court and make me make all the decisions just so you don't have to take responsibility for anything. So for once yes I'm gonna make the difficult decision and no more excuses that I didn't have a choice.
It stops now.
Gonna delete everything. Should ask for Bob's number first? But.. who's gonna go play with me then? Sigh...
I hate it when YOU ALL always throw the ball into my court and make me make all the decisions just so you don't have to take responsibility for anything. So for once yes I'm gonna make the difficult decision and no more excuses that I didn't have a choice.
It stops now.
Monday, May 5, 2008
第三者
Once upon a time, when I was still young, naive and much more hopeful than I am now, I always thought that love, by itself, in itself is enough to conquer all odds. If i love you i'm willing to do anything for you. I'll be accomodating, patient, understanding, loving, caring and the whole works. And vice versa.
Then as I got a bit older, that illusion became a little smaller. Cos there came along jealousy, unpredictability, infidelity, selfishness, hot-temperedness and a wide variety of other problems. The question became one of: Do you love him enough?
More wrinkles around my eyes later, that smaller illusion evolved into a bubble that I don't wanna burst. Somehow, I don't wanna face reality. I don't wanna think about the possibility of you leaving. I ignore the truth that you're not and won't be mine. Live for the moment, I consoled myself.
End of the day, I'm still alone. I sleep alone at night. I don't have anyone to bring me to the doctor when i'm sick, much less get me a glass of water. No one to hug when I'm down and tell me everything's gonna be okay. Nobody to kiss my tears away.
As much as I keep lying to myself that I'm still young and I'm taking a break so this won't really harm, it does. It stings, hurts, bites and chews off more than I can afford really. It's not as if i'm under this illusion that things will change. Even IF they did I wouldn't know how to handle it. But i KNOW they won't.
I know it... when i'm sitting there... Pretending to be deep in thought... Doing my best not to overhear snippets of your lives together... And just.. simply trying to hold myself together.
I think it's about time.
Then as I got a bit older, that illusion became a little smaller. Cos there came along jealousy, unpredictability, infidelity, selfishness, hot-temperedness and a wide variety of other problems. The question became one of: Do you love him enough?
More wrinkles around my eyes later, that smaller illusion evolved into a bubble that I don't wanna burst. Somehow, I don't wanna face reality. I don't wanna think about the possibility of you leaving. I ignore the truth that you're not and won't be mine. Live for the moment, I consoled myself.
End of the day, I'm still alone. I sleep alone at night. I don't have anyone to bring me to the doctor when i'm sick, much less get me a glass of water. No one to hug when I'm down and tell me everything's gonna be okay. Nobody to kiss my tears away.
As much as I keep lying to myself that I'm still young and I'm taking a break so this won't really harm, it does. It stings, hurts, bites and chews off more than I can afford really. It's not as if i'm under this illusion that things will change. Even IF they did I wouldn't know how to handle it. But i KNOW they won't.
I know it... when i'm sitting there... Pretending to be deep in thought... Doing my best not to overhear snippets of your lives together... And just.. simply trying to hold myself together.
I think it's about time.
Sunday, May 4, 2008
JNB 01May
Am back from JNB. Activated myself on thursday. Luckily i checked before going out to meet Grace cos i just had this feeling they'll sabo me and gimme an early reporting flight! I was right!
Thini was on the same flight and it was fun! Crew were nice and I flew with 1 of the Capt to CPT bout several weeks ago? So spent 2 nights drinking in the Capt's room, watching The Eye and playing games. Thini wasn't feeling too good and didn't drink at all! Bummer...
Second night another set of crew joined us and we played drinking games. Cards and dices. Fwahhhh was so horrid 1 gal fell asleep in the toilet. I puked too! But well didn't embarass myself. My partner abandoned me though and i had to dink by myself. Lemme just say that whiskey + red wine + berry cooler is NOT a nice concoction!
It was a fun trip. I didn't go for safari with them cos I went before already. Hung around with the tech crew cos they were game to try all the restaurants that i wanted to eat at. And they paid for everything, which i was quite paiseh about. Should have gone safari again though cos they went to a flea market and got those giraffe statues which were really cool! Speaking of cool... I flew with this gal whom.. reminds me a lot of Karen. And she speaks with her tongue perpetually rolled. What's with the accent man... And the most amazing thing? When i asked her she knew exactly which Karen I was referring to.
Which leads me to something else. Jeremy asked me today if there's a try-er onboard and i went like huh?? He thought the particular guy he was talking about would try 1 of the gals. I was stunned. 1st of all how did he know who's onboard. 2nd, apparantly he's asking on behalf on his gal-pal who has a thing or rather had a thing with this guy. I'm confused! I'm beginning to get scared. I always thought this is such a big group of crew we're talking about but somehow someone always seems to know someone. Scary...
Anyway my PC crashed and I'm typing on my teeny weeny lappie. Lotsa typos.. killing me =p Oh and when i was drunk, as usual i 'chu pattern' again haha. And the worst part is i don't remember! My god.. nowadays when i drink too much it's as if my brain just shuts down. Dangerous... But well at least i get myself back in 1 piece.
Went to do my nails again. Not very satisfied but ah sigh whatever. No pics cos my hp is U/S!!! Should i repair it or get a new one?? Sentimental value lei.. albeit not very happy ones. I took many many pics with this phone. Though i deleted them all but...
Oh.. me and Grace are such bobos! We forgot to bring our uniforms along and Grace didn't print her UR slip properly so tmrw morning we have to go do and do it again! Haha.. Anyway.. apparantly there're new condos along Siglap. Shall go check out the webbie now.
2 years.
Thini was on the same flight and it was fun! Crew were nice and I flew with 1 of the Capt to CPT bout several weeks ago? So spent 2 nights drinking in the Capt's room, watching The Eye and playing games. Thini wasn't feeling too good and didn't drink at all! Bummer...
Second night another set of crew joined us and we played drinking games. Cards and dices. Fwahhhh was so horrid 1 gal fell asleep in the toilet. I puked too! But well didn't embarass myself. My partner abandoned me though and i had to dink by myself. Lemme just say that whiskey + red wine + berry cooler is NOT a nice concoction!
It was a fun trip. I didn't go for safari with them cos I went before already. Hung around with the tech crew cos they were game to try all the restaurants that i wanted to eat at. And they paid for everything, which i was quite paiseh about. Should have gone safari again though cos they went to a flea market and got those giraffe statues which were really cool! Speaking of cool... I flew with this gal whom.. reminds me a lot of Karen. And she speaks with her tongue perpetually rolled. What's with the accent man... And the most amazing thing? When i asked her she knew exactly which Karen I was referring to.
Which leads me to something else. Jeremy asked me today if there's a try-er onboard and i went like huh?? He thought the particular guy he was talking about would try 1 of the gals. I was stunned. 1st of all how did he know who's onboard. 2nd, apparantly he's asking on behalf on his gal-pal who has a thing or rather had a thing with this guy. I'm confused! I'm beginning to get scared. I always thought this is such a big group of crew we're talking about but somehow someone always seems to know someone. Scary...
Anyway my PC crashed and I'm typing on my teeny weeny lappie. Lotsa typos.. killing me =p Oh and when i was drunk, as usual i 'chu pattern' again haha. And the worst part is i don't remember! My god.. nowadays when i drink too much it's as if my brain just shuts down. Dangerous... But well at least i get myself back in 1 piece.
Went to do my nails again. Not very satisfied but ah sigh whatever. No pics cos my hp is U/S!!! Should i repair it or get a new one?? Sentimental value lei.. albeit not very happy ones. I took many many pics with this phone. Though i deleted them all but...
Oh.. me and Grace are such bobos! We forgot to bring our uniforms along and Grace didn't print her UR slip properly so tmrw morning we have to go do and do it again! Haha.. Anyway.. apparantly there're new condos along Siglap. Shall go check out the webbie now.
2 years.
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