Long Break

This is such a long break for me. Somehow I always don't feel like going back to work after some time away. Okie even though I always maintain it's not really like 'work' work.

I went wakeboarding on Sunday after a 2 yr hiatus! When a national wakeboarder and the boatman both say my riding's okie I think i'm really okie! Haha.. i'm not good lah but i'm not that bad i guess. =0)

Jo went first then me. I kept falling! I seriously dunno why. I keep failing to stand but when I do i'm okay. It's the standing part that always has me hesitating. And when you lose the momentum and try to make up for it you fall harder. Kinda like life isn;t it? My life anyway.

Watched Ironman with Jo and Keith Sat night then DF again. Alex came later with Francis. I think i should start avoiding him. No more crew meal! No no no! Sometimes i really admire Jo. She has no lack of men around her. Okie she says the same bout me but.. Why do I always fall harder? She's smarter. She just lets go of the handle.

Went for KLunch today. My first time! With crew from my ATH. Was quite fun though I sang horribly. Just cannot get the key! ANyway the lunch sucked but well it was cheap. Michelle sang this song on my blog now. I think i heard it somewhere before but... when it was playing i thought bout YOU.

Reminded me of that time at ktv. I think i'm such a sadist you know? I like to push myself and the ones that I love. And even if i know it's gonna end badly, even though i know it's gonna hurt me in the end, i still do it. It's just this illogical side of me that like to sabotage myself.

It's like you tell me the pot is hot. If you touch it now you'll burn yourself. And this stoopid girl will tell you maybe it's cooled somewhat. That's the hopeful side. The other side will tell you 5 or 10 minutes later it'll still be hot. If i have to move it somewhere I'd rather hurt now than later. Stoopid.

Not a very good analogy but you know what I mean. Pig-headed. I'm always in such a state of confusion I bury myself in trival things to make the hours.. the days pass faster. But.. i never learn from my mistakes. And i like to wallow in self-pity when I'm alone. That's not good.

Someone once told me I'm recycling my negativity. But.. most people don't see me like that you know? Well cos most people don't know bout this blog! Only a handful.. like less than 5 definitely. And I can't think of anyone who reads this regularly. I think. Hahaha...

I need an outlet. I don't like complaining to people. As in yeah i bitch and then it's over. But the things that really bug me. The things that hurt... I don't like to talk about them. Jo asked me bout ADL. I just said it's over. Actually i never told anyone the story in its entirety.

I've been trying to change flight for the past 3 weeks with no success. Why is it so easy for others? I appreciate the effort really. SOmehow u managed to stop me from blowing and I actually felt guilty. I think... that's the most powerful weapon of all u know? Not tears, not anger.

Guilt.