L.O.V.E

Perhaps all of us define this word differently. Or our parameters are different. But i cannot see how you can continually tell me that you love me.. That u want me to know that u love me..

I've told you before.. How difficult it is for me to tell someone that I love the person. I haven't been able to for the longest time. Yet i could.. to you. I've tried seeing other people becos I know logically that we cannot and will not last long. So i have to keep my options open. Becos i need someone to be there for me. But ultimately I still cannot. I'd always feel guilty or feel like i'm cheating on you or sthg. And most of all, I dun feel anything towards them. Anger, resentment, guilt yes. Love... definitely not.

When i saw ur msg that u saw me at COntrol, i kept playing the msg and scenes in my head. WOndering where and when u saw me.. Wondering what flight u're doing.. And how could I have missed seeing you. Well quite possible since i'm blur most of the time. Then i realise it's for the better. Cos.. i dun think i can see you, walk away and still do my Del.

You keep telling me you know it hurts. But it's for my own good. That i'll be happier this way. First of all.. how do you know i was happier b4? I told you there're many different forms of happiness. Why do you have the right to decide for me? So you know it hurts? Then u continually smsing me is not helping isn't it? You want me to forget right? To move on right?

A lot of times I wanted to reply.. To tell you how wrong you are. To tell you everything on my mind. But what's the point? There is still no light at the end of the tunnel.. I know why u still msg me despite ur talk. I know how it feels. I wouldn't know how i'd react if u stop contact totally. So i cannot control you. I can only restrict myself.

I still love you. If today you tell me u will leave her as long as i give u time. I will still do it. But i know it wouldn't happen. So why perpetuate the cycle? I know if i reply you now we'd just go through all these 1 more time. Will it make a difference?

You claim to love me. That is not the kind of love i want or can accept. Becos when i say i love you, you're more important to me than myself.