Nightmare

I finally got a msg from him. Was sleeping cos too tired from CMB. Around midight he smsed that it's hurtful but it has to be.. He wants me to be happier. That she's in dxb now.

I read it and it stung. But was too tired. Then i had a dream.. I dreamt that we were doing a flt. Then his wife showed up.. Something like this trip. The whole set plus her went on a tour of some sorts. Me and this fss fell through a shaft about 2 m. When we tried to stand up we fell further.

I hurt my back and there were cuts and gashes everywhere. Cos the flooring was wood and the splinters tore into me. My back hurt very bad and i couldn't move. I was crying very loudly and someone from my crew saw us. Everyone rushed over except for him and her. Someone had to carry me cos i couldn't walk at all.

Was sobbing for him and somehow all the crew knew about our situation. Eventually someone told them we were injured and they came. She was watching how he'd react so he wasn't very concerned. I dunno why in my dream Jo was there. He said some things to Jo in Malay and she replied very furious. I never got a chance to ask her what he said.

And then he stood up and they left. My tears just dropped as I watched them leave. My heart felt so pained that I woke up.. =(

Then i start reading and re-reading and reading the sms. It's always the same thing. U telling me u want me to be happier.. Me saying i am happy but sometimes I just need assurance blahblah. U didn't have to tell me she's there. I dunno if u were scared i'll reply or call u or sthg but... It only tells me 1 fact. That really.. it's all about whether u wanna do it or not.

I rem u were saying u have ur token with u and no laptop and how difficult it's gonna be to buy staff travel tickets and such. But u did it anyway.. Whether u wanted to or had to or was obliged to, u did it. That's the most important thing.. I can't even get u to msn with me outstation.

Sister: Thanks for ur sms. I'm okie.. I will be. Maybe i'm used to it already.. All the disappointment and heart-heavyness. It's like i forgot when was the last time i truly loved someone and that someone loved me too. I know u're gonna say Chris but i never did felt he loved me as much as I do.

I don't compare myself to you at all. Becos u're much much stronger and braver. What u've gone through.. I wouldn't even wish upon my enemies. Babe.. u're so resilient it's an inspiration. Me? I brought most of this upon myself. It was a choice that i made. Which is why u'll never hear me complain.

I've never blamed him or felt cheated and such. Of late i always wonder why i don't give other pple a chance. My grip was that IF i logically know there's no light at the end of this tunnel then when a better guy comes along I should jump right? But i didn't and still don't.. Which is what i can't understand.

But.. i gather he feels as if he's holding me back. That i'm dissatisfied or unhappy with whatever little he can give. I'm tired of trying to distinguish the two. Tired of always explaining myself.

I can still drop anything and everything for you.

But... And then what?