Is this The End?

He offered to send me to work yesterday. I didn't want him to travel up and down esp since he got called up for cgk. But i really wanted to see him even for 10 mins. Looking back.. i wondered would it e better if i didn't. It would even be better if i didn't stubbornly wanna do the sq28 tog. None of this would have happened.

I kept wondering why he has studio appt. Initially i thought maybe it was the photo shoot the other time or sthg. But it was sthg worse.. He said his dinner is on the 14th, before Hawaii. My heart literally stopped.

I started fumbling in my bag for sthg to do. Trying fucking hard not to cry. He kept trying to talk to me until i finally snapped. Tears just started rolling down. Kept trying to calm myself cos i still have to do the bkk but i just can't. Finally i stopped crying long enough to step out of the car.

I reached the toilet and dried my tears. Touched up and went into Control. All the while.. my brain was in a whirlwind. The only thought in my mind now was: What should I do now? What should I do with myself? After checking in i couldn't stop the tears and had to run to the toilet again. There i sobbed to Mel for bout 5 mins then i had to go into the briefing room.

As i intro myself i know everyone was staring at my red eyes. It's a link flt so i was afraid of the repercussions. But i just couldn't smile much. Anyhow.. the flt went quite smoothly. I was C3 and my LS even commented my work was good. Basically I feel damn proud of myself for not breaking down or screwing things up. Still.. i knew it was too smooth to be true. I left my sandals onboard. Sigh... the only consolation is at least it's not my safety shoes.

When i got back.. I just hid in the toilet and started crying again. Supposed to meet Joon at DF but i didn't even feel like drinking. Eventually I went.. Mel and Yingying accompanied me. They both drank till damn high but as usual the one who needs to be drunk didn't.

Now.. I dunno what to say.. dunno wat to do. I'm very vexed cos.. I drew a line for myself. If ever the day he starts to hold his dinner, get the keys to his house I would have to let go. No choice right? I don't wanna see him having kids and all too. But time after time i kept pushing that limit. Time after time i kept deluding myself.. don't wanna ask anything, don't wanna know anything that will make me sad.

Honestly if u ask me how much I know about him? I don't. I frankly dunno much out him.. I don't interact enough with him to know his character, his habits and such. But i trust my intuition. He remains the one guy that i'd feel happy seeing no matter when, where or how. And he's still the only one that i've said I love for the past 4 yrs. It means a lot to me.

But now.. like he kept saying there's no light at the end of the tunnel. I asked him what should i do. He said just do whatever that won't hurt me. Either way i'll feel hurt right? The most amazing thing is that... It's as if my brain is telling me to stop all this before someone or myself gets really hurt. But my heart is convincing my brain that i love him enough to put up with all these. That i was just shocked and it was too sudden.

It's true in a sense.. He kept asking if i'm angry. There's nothing to be angry about. I should have expected it. Just that i was really shocked. Really really shocked. I kept wondering where will his dinner be held.. Who did he invite.. When did he give out the invitations.. How would he look. I totally blocked out the bride.

I know that if i just grit my teeth and leave him.. 1 year down the road it won't hurt as much. I'd have moved on. Maybe I'll still be waiting.. But he's not with me anymore. He says he still wants to be with me but he don't wanna see me so hurt. And u know what? I believe him.

All along i really trust him. When he says he's been good, when he says he doesn't have someone else. Don't ask me why.. But everytime he finds time to squeeze in a msg for me i'm happy. Even if i can't reply, i appreciate it. But sometimes when i really miss or need him and he's not there, that's when i start throwing tantrums again. But i know deep down.. Btwn me and his wife.. there's no fight really.

Now my question is: I really do love him a lot. Can i contend with being a lover and sharing him? Frankly i cannot bring myself to leave him or even forget him. Which is why i can't be with someone else. But i'm scared what will happen next. I'm scared i'll really go crazy 1 day and do things that i usually won't.

He asked me do I still want him to do the sq28. Honestly i'm torn. I would love to spend 8 days with him. But it's too cruel knowing his events after the flt. I still want him to do it with me.. even for the last time. Even if i have to ignore him.. Even if we pretend not to know each other. Now i strongly believe in destiny.. I was wondering.. We started with sq28.. Would we end with it too? I think i found my answer. Or rather the answer found me.