My Birthday

Well.. things got quite bad. Irene last min say not feeling well, no energy and Denise kept asking me to change to another day. I was pretty pissed. If it's just drinking then fine any day would do. But if it's my birthday how to change??

On top of that I had to go for dinner and movie with Mark cos i felt bad i asked him to get DENISE's stuff the other time. And i don't like to make use of people. But the incident really made me wonder... Sometimes you treat certain friends very nice cos u feel they have priority in your life. But it doesn't necessarily mean that it's the same for them. You might just be a convenient friend to have to them.

Then cos I complained to Shyan and he didn't want me to be unhappy he planned a surprise for me at ECP. In a short span of 3 hrs! And he roped in Eric and Melvin to help. I was very touched and I know he owes them big time. He even called Melody and Trillia and offered to pick them up and send them home if they come and pay for their cab ride this morning cos they have to work.

At times like that I know he can be the one. The one who'll be there for me and take all my nonsense and take care of me. But...

The whole evening and night... I kept looking at my hp. You didn't even msg me when u landed. You said u didn't have the chance to. I'm sure chances can be created but... Well it was a decision. You keep asking if i'm unhappy nowadays. I dunno if i'm unhappy. Cos i dunno how it feels like anymore.

It seems like i've accepted everything. The waiting.. the disappointments.. It almost seems normal to me now. From the moment u got called up for syd.. I pushed away all dinner dates and meet-ups.. unless i'm sure you can't/won't/don't wanna meet me. Just like today... I have absolutely nothing on now. But when i asked if u're gonna meet me and u say she's ending early. Then i know... yeah.. Either i make my plans now or stay home.

By now if u dunno that i'd make an effort and meet u even for half an hour... If u still cannot see that then i'm very sad. Yes i'm upset when u have to go. But i'd rather see u than not at all. Is it that difficult to understand? Would it make u happier if i'm not upset that u have to go? I just wanted to see you. A hug, a kiss, a happy birthday from you.

So on my special day.. i've been crying since 9am. My heart feels like someone keeps stabbing it continually. And my tears just keep rolling.

Happy birthday to me.


Edited to add: Baby came to look for me with chicken rice, bubble tea and flowers. Although he stayed less than 1 hr with me i'm happy already. And he looks so tired. Sigh... I love you baby. Miss you already...

Oh and clumsy me stained my already-not-white LV wallet with the pink solution from the flowers. So now there's a patch of pink on my white wallet. Well done. Arghhhhhhh