Third Party

I guess it's only recently that I've begun to fully appreciate the true meaning of the word. Call me warped or misguided or whatever u wanna say but.. i'm beginning to feel that.. there's a lot of strength and resolve in this category of women.

I'm not referring to those vile home-breakers or shit-stirrers and such but... just those that are unfortunate enough to fall for a married man and yet stay true to their love and thus spend huge quantities of their time waiting, alone.

I always remember this show that I'd watch and watch every time i come across it. Even though i've watched it for many many times. It's by Leung Kar Fai and Anita Yuen. I think the title is Nian Nian You Jin Ri. The story goes that they met by chance on a small island off HKG and were stranded. So things happened as they shared the only room available for the night. He went back to his wife and kid and she subsequently got married too. But they still meet at the same place every year. It went on for more than 50 years but they were both committed to their partners and neither felt it right to leave. More so for the guy actually. Eventually the guy's wife died and he finally asked her to marry him.

There're a lot of things that i chose not to see, not to ask, not to hear. Chris always said that i'm very good at deluding myself. Becos i know that if i see, i ask and i hear, i'll be unhappy. You'll be put in a spot and that's not what i want. I want you to be happy. So by not pressurizing you i hope u're happy.

But i realise it's not possible. Cos stress comes from within yourself too. Whether you know or acknowledge it or not. Increasingly.. as i read through our msgs.. it's always the usual i-miss-yous, have-you-been-good etc msgs. There's no... life in it. It doesn't speak of my life, my worries, my happiness, nor yours.

And when i open my eyes and listen, i realise that your life goes on. Even with me now and i assume even without me later on. U still find time to meet your friends, things still happen. And at times like these i wish i were just a normal friend. I think i'd know u better. You as a person and your life.

That's why i think serious third parties are strong. Becos u only live.. when the other person has time for you. Other than that... you're merely existing. Waiting for the next opportunity when you can feel alive again.

By some chance i was on friendster, which i haven't been for ages, and thought to look at your profile and pics. It's restricted to friends only. I don't even know if you're on mine or vice versa. Then i just had this want to look at hers. So i searched. When i saw the 'My little prince photo' my heart started beating very fast. When it reached the 'my 2 dearest men' i think my heart stopped.

The whole night my imagination went wild. Why is it that on the other pic she just stated it's her niece.. so it can't be her newphew rite? She would have just said so? It's can't be yours cos u've never mentioned it, only ur nieces. It was horrifying even to consider the possibility that it's your son. It was such a bone-chilling thought. In fact i was so bothered that i can't sleep now and went to look at the pic again. The date says 2006, which apparantly u weren't even married yet so.. i highly doubt it's your son.... rite?

I really dunno. It's just that.. How do i start describing how i feel? It's as if i belong to another little world in the huge world of yours. Like after you've done your duty as a son, a husband and a friend then you'll come to me. And becos the conditions under which we can meet are difficult, i always imagine u try to meet me EVERY chance u get. Which might not the the reality.

Looking at the photos just now and reading the captions, you have really gone through a lot with her. I mean.. it's quite a lot of time and memories. Something which i will never have the chance to do. Create similar memories.. And as i keep looking at them.. a part of me tells me that.. no matter how much i love you.. i bet she does too. And i'm sure she was with you every step of the way... in your life for the past years... which made you decide to marry her. And.. i think 'us' will be devastating news... which i feel would be unbearable to any woman. So i'm really confused now.

I know eventually i don't have a choice. I know everyone will say i can choose to leave.. including you. But that's not a real choice. It's like telling the pax you can choose to eat this or don't eat. Maybe i don't have to do anything at all.. Maybe u'll choose to leave.. Maybe you'll get tired of me.. Maybe i'll get tired of trying..

Maybe.