A Letter To You

How and where should I start?

I'm not unhappy. In fact i'm very happy. SO much it scares me. And precisely why I feel even more upset when I'm alone. I know this would not amount to anything. Which is why i asked you why u cannot leave. Cos if and when I know.. I will accept it.

I feel quite sure my guess was pretty accurate. There're a lot of details about ur life that I dunno about. Which i guess i will never know. And i will never get a chance to. And simply based on that.. I will never be able to share your life like she can.

The younger me would have screamed that it's unfair. But now.. there's nothing fair or not. That's not the point. Becos you're not letting me. It'll only be fair if u give me the chance to. But you don't and u never will. I can't understand why. So i just have to accept it on blind faith.

It's true you know. That I've not said those 3 words to anyone for a long time. Shyan and I broke up partially cos of it too. I never did say it to u too. But at least i wrote it. And it scares me. Which is why nowadays i constantly ask what if i can't leave you.

It's like i've mentally adjusted to it. Like how I so wanna tell you i found a flight for us to do together after 1 night of scrolling thru COF board. How i wanna tell you i sms for my sq12 too. How i wanna ask if ur new niece is cute. How i cannot tell you why is it i always ignore you when u talk bout ur niece.

I dunno who to pou out all these to. i know what people will tell me or say if i do. Which is what u've said to me. I know all of it. I know the reality better than you can paint for me. Becos... it's me. Becos i feel the pain and sadness more than what I've been telling you. More than what Im willing to tell you.

I don't mean to make you feel guilty. I won't make things difficult for you also. And I know it'll only get harder to let go. And i know u're always thinking bout what's best for me. I just need you to be honest with me that's all. No matter how much the truth hurts. It's always better..

I know you want me to be happy. But you never let me finish what I was saying. There're many different kinds of happiness. It's just what kind we're after isn't it? Like i said.. I always feel that I'm kinda like an escape for you. Like how you might need a holiday after working hard. But ater that holiday you would go back to your life. And that doesn't include me. SO I just have to wait till the next time you wanna go on holiday again.

We both know what we're in for. I don't blame you. Seriously. Cos i take responsibility for putting myself in this situation too. Basically i have 2 choices now. I can be happy now.. and VERY sad later on when it has to stop. Or i can be sad now and hopefully happy later. I choose the former. Becos i'm sick of doing what's good for me. I wanna do what makes me happy. Even if it makes me as sad conversely. Do you understand?

I'm sorrie but the tantrums and breakdowns come as part of the package cos.. like i said i have feelings too. And it stems from not getting what i really want. U asked me that today. You should know what would make me the happiest. But like i said. I guess thats not possible. So i just have to settle for second best right? =0)

I've been thinking bout how long this can last too. And being the very smart person that i sometimes am, i would say till ur place is ready. Cos then it would be quite difficult. Do you know what the hardest thing is? The fact that i cannot call/sms/reach you as and when i like or need. And that... you're most definitely snoring now even without me.

That's the most bitter pill to swallow.


我讨厌冬天的风
冷的那么刺痛
只有你能够抚平所有的寂寞

昨天的风筝在角落
被谁丢到了路口
我很不想让你找到离开的理由

每一夜 闭上眼睛
我看到了噩梦
你微笑 但是旁边的人不是我

天空切开一道裂缝
直接割到我心中
不想装做脆弱
也不想爱的懦弱

其实我非常爱你
不想失去你
难道我没有权利
说我不愿意
你给了他的吻 虽然只有余温
可知道我多渴望抓住你的心

我知道他很爱你
你怕他伤心
我每天假装开心 害怕你离去
可不可以任性 求求你不要去
藏在我心里最后一句
其实还爱你

可不可以任性 求求你不要去
藏在我心里最后一句
其实还爱你