Honey's Blog

Honey..

Do you know i actually teared when I was reading your posts? Somehow the emotions seem so raw. The feelings so intense. And despite it being in Chinese and all.. I really understood. It reminded me...

I dunno why but sometimes.. perhaps of out boredom or maybe i'm really sadistic. I like to read past conversations, emails, letter's i've written but never posted to him. It never fails to evoke immense sadness and hurt. Never.

I forgot when it was that I stopped thinking bout him, her and everything it encompassed. I forgot when was it that I last talked about him to someone. I forgot when it was that i felt as if i had a knife plunged repeatedly where my heart lies. I forgot how I swore never to let him get close again. I forgot when was it that I fell so hard. I forgot who was it that picked me up. I forgot how it felt to stay awake knowing he was asleep somewhere with someone else. I forgot how it felt to want to sleep all day and never wake up.

I think he forgot too.

I wonder why despite everything we can still be friends. I wonder why I gave him chance after chance. I wonder if it really all happened for a reason. I wonder what it was that I have to learn from this. I wonder why people say time will heal. It still hurts when I recall. I wonder why i act like nothing happened. I wonder why i did all those things in the first place. I wonder why it seems like i'm putting myself in the same position again. I wonder how he could have forgiven himself.

I wonder how could he have forgotten.

It seems like everything is a facade now. All the starting over again and getting to know one another. We fall back into old habits all the time. You can call it being comfortable. You can say it's a vicious cycle repeating itself. How do I know? How can you tell? How do you cut a person out without wondering if he's really changed? How do you tell if he has?

I don't harp on it anymore cos I kept telling myself I have to move on. It doesn't matter where I go. Doesn't matter where i end up. I just need to keep moving. And it seems i'm pushing myself further and further into the deep end. At times I feel like i've changed. When days are bad i feel like i've changed for the worse.

Things that I never could accept I begin to tolerate. Things that I wouldn't have done seem more logical now. Is it being more open-minded or losing youself? I like to think that the world balances on shades of gray. There's dark grey, normal grey, light grey and so on.. And yet certain times I feel that there're some universal truths. Some things that are 100% black or white.

But.. by whose definition? Yours? Mine? The New Testament? God?

Sometimes i miss going to church. I miss the peace i feel. With myself and with the world. I felt loved. Not the kind that any Tom, Dick or Harry can give. But I'm afraid of going back. Why? I can't really say. Maybe it's because I gave up. I couldn't see it happening. Or not fast enough. Or not the ending that I wanted. *Ryan would cut in now and say it's the devil!*

I'm grateful. For all the people that came into my life and made it better. Especially during that period. I love my parents.. for how they supported me financially and emotionally. I will never forget. It might be buried real deep under but it'll always be a part of me. I guess the only thing i can do is to not let it become a part of my future. I always always make this mistake. Maybe some things really are better left unsaid.

I remember why I used to like Chinese.