Life

Shyan sent me this blog address before he left actually and I was rushing out just then and I totally forgot bout it. Went to take a look and I really dunno what to make of it. The address is http://tania.movielol.org/ Well am i actually abating her attempt since I directed you to it?

When I was younger i used to muse bout suicide with Alvin. Cos back then he was always a little depressed. And then it got worse in NS. I've always felt that suicide is for cowards. If you have the courage to kill yourself, hurt like hell and all, then why not do something about it?

I especially pity those who're left behind. I haven't figured if I believe in afterlife but the ones who'll have to bear the brunt after you're long gone are the innocent ones. Those who loved you the most. Do they deserve it? As wilful as I am, having always said it's MY life, I do acknowledge that my life is intertwined with those I love and who loves me.

Which is why even during that period... I thought about suicide but I know i'll never do it. I won't be able to forgive myself if i did. Well that's assuming there's afterlife and all. But sometimes during that period.. I'd wonder who'd miss me after I'm gone besides my family. Yes friends might mourn your death for a while, lovers might think of you sometimes but everyone moves on isn't it?

I admit it's a cliche but time dulls the pain. I don't believe it heals. Okie maybe it does but it leaves a scar. And if you start picking at it, it bleeds still. And after a long period of time when its completely healed you have this branding for life. It's as if you're not meant to forget. No matter how far you try to run away from it, it's always there.

Back to the topic. There're many many people fighting for their lives, to live just one more day. I really can't accept Tania killing herself. She didn't exactly elaborate why she's doing it other than her life is miserable, no one understands her and that she sees no meaning in life.

Hello? I think 1/4 of the population feels the same, especially the angsty teens. But is that reason enough really? Yeah different strokes for different folks. Nonetheless, i don't exactly feel any urge to stop nor discourage her. In fact, I'm curious to see how it ends. Even if it means she kills herself.

Cos at the end of the day.. you can't force anyone to do anything. They have to help themselves. No one owes it to you to find meaning in life. I find my life pretty mundane and meaningless now but do I kill myself as a form of protest? No. You go out and find/create/make something out of your life. EVen if it means I'm gonna do the 10001 things everyone does.

Coincidentally, someone asked me what I wanna achieve in my lifetime. Something like that. I have 2 things I would wanna do if I didn't have to worry about money. I've always wanted to be a wedding planner. Cos I love weddings. I really do. Cos it's at that moment that you truly believe you will be happy, you will do your utmost to make sure both of you are happy. It's that look in the groom's eyes when he sees his bride walking down the aisle. It's the smile on the bride's face when she sees her groom waiting at the altar. Epitome of bliss.

Secondly I would take over the Lee Ah Mooi home. I saw a documentary of it when I was little. Like primary school age and I've never forgotten it ever since. I really admire people who can be so selfless. Yeah but i know myself. I'd feel guilty buying LV bags cos it could be put to better use but i'd still go ahead and buy it anyway. =p

Recently i've been thinking a lot bout not flying. But it's not the kind of discontent I felt 2 yrs ago. I'm used to my life now. I appreciate all the finer bits of it and I take the bad with the good. I just wonder how my life would be like in 5 yrs time. Cos.. it's not exactly easy to pan out your life when.. i dunno what it is i really want.

With Shyan it was easy. I know that prolly when my contract expires in 5 yrs and i don't get promoted he'll bug me to quit and have kids. Oh yeah we would have gotten married along the way. Then I'll take care of my kid. Bring him/her out everyday for walks, shopping, classes, pick Daddy up from work and such. Kinda like Ling, Mike and Luke. It's this kind of stability that prodded me along.

I still miss it sometimes.