I Shouldn't...

Woke up bout 4 hrs ago and couldn't sleep anymore. Almost finishing My Best Friend's Girl. Just felt an overwhelming wave of emotions.

Somewhere, at some point over the past few years, I decided that I had hurt enough. That i deserve to be happy. That i would make myself my priority cos if i don't take care of myself no one else would. No one else had anyway.

I didn't care that I was a third party. It was the guy's choice to cheat and it's his life. I was always the guilt-free one, not having any committments. Like Carrie said in SATC, some women are like wild horses. They're born to race freely until they find someone, that one to run beside them.

I believed that.

But there was always this nagging thought at the back of my mind. It's not just about me. It's always about that innocent other person who don't deserve this kinda treatment. Just like i once didn't deserve it.

I stopped thinking bout morals and doing the right thing simply cos i whacked the ball into the other court. It wasn't my decision to make. In a very selish way, I can be morally upright and make myself miserable. Or push the decision to other person and be happy in the meantime.

I wanted to be happy. I still do. But it's also why I have all these emotional roller-coasters every time. It's always short-lived, dramatic and unpredictable. Sometimes i even wonder if i'm addicted to it.

Cos.. normality takes effort. Stability requires commitment. Dependability needs discipline. You could never walk into a club and decide that tonight you crave some attention and a need to be desired. You'll still feel it but you can't act upon it. If I were my friend, I'd jump in now and say you prolly don't love your guy enough.

I used to think that love in itself is enough. If you love someone, you're accomodating, considerate, reasonable, forgiving and a whole lot more. But it doesn't work that way. Maybe it does. Maybe I just didn't have the right situations.

I don't know.

I don't know why is it my bfs always feel insecure. I don't know what else to do to make them feel important. I don't know how to overcome the restlessness i always feel after a while. People always say that's prolly cos you're not ready to settle down. How do you know when you are?

I'm tired of always proving myself. Proving that i love you. That i won't leave you no matter what. That i'm willing to change for you. Not to your whims and fancies. But so that we can build a life together. And yet the guy just throws everything i've done out of the window. It hurts like mad everytime.

Sister i remember you used to say i'm tee-gong-kia. but in this aspect... this thing that bothers me the most unfortunately, Luck has never been on my side.

Coming back to what prompted this. I think I should stop. I shouldn't have. No one deserves this no matter how evil they are. But damningly.. All mistakes start out so beautiful it's hard to tear yourself away. Isn't it? Until you realise... Yep... it's a mistake.