A World Of My Own

Rounding Up

2008-12-15T04:02:00.002+08:00

2008 is coming to an end. I guess I should close this blog soon as well. A lot of things have happened this year. I gained a lot and well lost too.

Looking back.. my happiest deeds of the year include meeting Joon. She's been a really great friend so far and I appreciate her. I'm really glad to have met up with Kristy too after so long. However it was a series of misfortunes that brought us together again but sister.. u're always in my heart and prayers yah.

Should I talk bout the saddest moments too? But it was sthg that once made me very happy too. Difficult to classify bah. He stopped contacting me le. Maybe my point got across, maybe he became pissed or maybe he gave up too.

Nevertheless... I guess i won't forget.

L.O.V.E

2008-11-25T08:24:00.002+08:00

Perhaps all of us define this word differently. Or our parameters are different. But i cannot see how you can continually tell me that you love me.. That u want me to know that u love me..

I've told you before.. How difficult it is for me to tell someone that I love the person. I haven't been able to for the longest time. Yet i could.. to you. I've tried seeing other people becos I know logically that we cannot and will not last long. So i have to keep my options open. Becos i need someone to be there for me. But ultimately I still cannot. I'd always feel guilty or feel like i'm cheating on you or sthg. And most of all, I dun feel anything towards them. Anger, resentment, guilt yes. Love... definitely not.

When i saw ur msg that u saw me at COntrol, i kept playing the msg and scenes in my head. WOndering where and when u saw me.. Wondering what flight u're doing.. And how could I have missed seeing you. Well quite possible since i'm blur most of the time. Then i realise it's for the better. Cos.. i dun think i can see you, walk away and still do my Del.

You keep telling me you know it hurts. But it's for my own good. That i'll be happier this way. First of all.. how do you know i was happier b4? I told you there're many different forms of happiness. Why do you have the right to decide for me? So you know it hurts? Then u continually smsing me is not helping isn't it? You want me to forget right? To move on right?

A lot of times I wanted to reply.. To tell you how wrong you are. To tell you everything on my mind. But what's the point? There is still no light at the end of the tunnel.. I know why u still msg me despite ur talk. I know how it feels. I wouldn't know how i'd react if u stop contact totally. So i cannot control you. I can only restrict myself.

I still love you. If today you tell me u will leave her as long as i give u time. I will still do it. But i know it wouldn't happen. So why perpetuate the cycle? I know if i reply you now we'd just go through all these 1 more time. Will it make a difference?

You claim to love me. That is not the kind of love i want or can accept. Becos when i say i love you, you're more important to me than myself.

Nightmare

2008-11-18T02:02:00.003+08:00

I finally got a msg from him. Was sleeping cos too tired from CMB. Around midight he smsed that it's hurtful but it has to be.. He wants me to be happier. That she's in dxb now.

I read it and it stung. But was too tired. Then i had a dream.. I dreamt that we were doing a flt. Then his wife showed up.. Something like this trip. The whole set plus her went on a tour of some sorts. Me and this fss fell through a shaft about 2 m. When we tried to stand up we fell further.

I hurt my back and there were cuts and gashes everywhere. Cos the flooring was wood and the splinters tore into me. My back hurt very bad and i couldn't move. I was crying very loudly and someone from my crew saw us. Everyone rushed over except for him and her. Someone had to carry me cos i couldn't walk at all.

Was sobbing for him and somehow all the crew knew about our situation. Eventually someone told them we were injured and they came. She was watching how he'd react so he wasn't very concerned. I dunno why in my dream Jo was there. He said some things to Jo in Malay and she replied very furious. I never got a chance to ask her what he said.

And then he stood up and they left. My tears just dropped as I watched them leave. My heart felt so pained that I woke up.. =(

Then i start reading and re-reading and reading the sms. It's always the same thing. U telling me u want me to be happier.. Me saying i am happy but sometimes I just need assurance blahblah. U didn't have to tell me she's there. I dunno if u were scared i'll reply or call u or sthg but... It only tells me 1 fact. That really.. it's all about whether u wanna do it or not.

I rem u were saying u have ur token with u and no laptop and how difficult it's gonna be to buy staff travel tickets and such. But u did it anyway.. Whether u wanted to or had to or was obliged to, u did it. That's the most important thing.. I can't even get u to msn with me outstation.

Sister: Thanks for ur sms. I'm okie.. I will be. Maybe i'm used to it already.. All the disappointment and heart-heavyness. It's like i forgot when was the last time i truly loved someone and that someone loved me too. I know u're gonna say Chris but i never did felt he loved me as much as I do.

I don't compare myself to you at all. Becos u're much much stronger and braver. What u've gone through.. I wouldn't even wish upon my enemies. Babe.. u're so resilient it's an inspiration. Me? I brought most of this upon myself. It was a choice that i made. Which is why u'll never hear me complain.

I've never blamed him or felt cheated and such. Of late i always wonder why i don't give other pple a chance. My grip was that IF i logically know there's no light at the end of this tunnel then when a better guy comes along I should jump right? But i didn't and still don't.. Which is what i can't understand.

But.. i gather he feels as if he's holding me back. That i'm dissatisfied or unhappy with whatever little he can give. I'm tired of trying to distinguish the two. Tired of always explaining myself.

I can still drop anything and everything for you.

But... And then what?

Relief...?

2008-11-16T17:14:00.003+08:00

I have this very strong feeling that relief will be the top most emotion for you. That you don't have to lie or worry or juggle anymore. My friends all feel that you're just getting rid of me. I dun wanna think that.

I guess it doesan't really matter to me why u keep pushing me away. The fact is u did. I remember i told you once that I'll never leave you... until the day you dun want me anymore. U said u won't. But it happened.

Well i already said what i wanted to. I know the situation. I'm aware of the can-s and cannot-s. But if you really think that I can put up with everything just cos I accepted the situation then u're wrong. I'm human. You are too. Just like u know what u're doing is wrong. Why do u do it anyway?

Nevertheless... yup it's over. I didn't get drunk. I thought i would stay in bed and like cry for 2 days but i didn't. I just accepted it. Cos i think i've clung on enough. I've tried to convince you to hang on with me long enough. Everytime i feel uneasy or need assurance I end up persuading you to stay with me. Funnie isn't it...

Till now i can't bear to delete your msgs. Maybe not today. Or tomorrow. Or the day after. But yup I know 1 day i will.

I tink I got called up for a reason. I met Celest. And cos of the things we shared... that night was the first time in a very long while i actually went for brekkie after partying. And i sent my frenz home too. And i had the courage to accept it and not fight it when u said let's end this.

I dun think i'm ready to walk together with God again yet. But He came back into my life in a very unobtrusive way. I'm not sure that He'll stay for good or that I won't falter again. But i still firmly believe... that things happened for a reason.

You showed me that i can love someone again. It's just whether I want to or not. Thank you for everything.

Humdrum..

2008-11-06T19:19:00.002+08:00

Haven't posted for a while.. Well cos basically my life's all bout work, drinking, mahjong and more work, even more alcohol and mahjong.

I have tons of pics i don't rem taking in my phone. Guess i really put my Omnia to good use haha. Every morning i wake up i have to look at pics and my smses to recollect what happened. So yeah my new phone is really worth it. =p

I keep saying am not gonna drink anymore, am not gonna go down anymore, am not gonna entertain those pple anymore. But i end up doing all of the above and more anyway. Sick of it... Sick of those pple. EVeryone there's so fakey and complicated and abandon-e-old-for-e-new. I'm old news. Pple are used to seeing me there. Pple wanna know my gfs instead.

That's good.. Just leave me alone. I think i'm screwed there anyway. Reaching the limit... No more drinking and going down... Soon.

If i ever get so bored i might just post up the pics hahaha. Now.. onto my ever gripping problem. The love of my life...

Tried super duper fuper hard to change flights but.. the last resort would be dxb-dme. But u noe i have a prob with dxb.. Sigh.. I thought about it. At some point in time i prolly have to face it. Especially if i wanna stay long. So.. at least he'll be there with me if anything happens.. right?

But the logical part of me feel like slapping myself cos nobody's worth that risk. Right? Sigh i dunno.. I told Baby the other day that the whole SAT thingy made me realise how.. little general knowledge pple around me hold. And my previous whinings about having wasted time changing airlines etc has given me a new perspective on things.

With the economic downturn, it's a blessing in disguise that my contract is not up for renewal next year. WHich would have been if i'd kept my s/n. Dxb opened up my eyes and mind to a lot of things. I really feel exposed. The humdrum and repetitive nature of my job and life has clouded that advantage. So much so that I thought I lost that edge. But... yes knowing that Paris has 2 airports and knowing the names of the airport does not make me a better person than you or the next Jane. But it makes me feel better about myself.

I AM NOT A BIMBO. You're just not privy to seeing how brilliant i am. ;)

These couple of days I marvelled at how much I've changed over these 3 years. And I'm not at all happy about it. Looking at old photos.. of my own and friends, I realised that I lost that confident and easy going nature. I worry a lot nowadays. I whine a lot but I don't do anything about it. Basically I'm stuck.. in a rut i created for myself. I've made myself powerless and aimless.

It struck me yesterday when Waves was down when I wanted to CICO. I just sat there and stared and waited. I could see pple all around me craning their necks to see if others are having the same problem. SO i just sat there. And waited and waited. And i realise that this is wat my life has been about for the last couple of years. Waiting.

Waiting for someone, waiting for something. The kind of passive-ness that I never used to have.. My life WAS always filled with programmes and activities. Always sthg to be done, pple to meet, classes to attend, appointments to go for. All.. while earning half of what i'm bringing back now. But yet i'm more broke than ever today.

I've made too many excuses for myself. And i simply lack the self-discipline and motivation to follow through nowadays. If i were doing sales/marketing/insurance like my gfs i would have died. I know my problem but i don't seem to be solving it. These few days i keep telling myself. Zuo hui zi ji. Get my life back in order and back on track.

How?

All the same...

2008-10-15T13:10:00.002+08:00

Been drinking truckloads lately. Dunno whether just to pass time or to make myself sleep better. It's true actually.. Everytime i drink i zzz very well.

Yesterday was DF anniversary. I didn't make it for the party.. But after that was horrible. Totally lost image. And that's when i realise.... they're all the same. ALL.

I dunno when was it that.. I just lost hope.. In love and men. I know i won't meet any good guys there. And well i don't expect to. But i don't like them toying or taking advantage of girls. Well just me actually hahaha...

=(

Age

2008-10-08T18:59:00.002+08:00

Was looking at some of my ex-friends (haha) blogs and pictures and I realised something...

We've all aged. Some put on weight.. None lost actually and the scary part is..... we all look older!! As in we really lost that youthfulness.. that glow... Sigh!

I'm old!!

First 345

2008-10-07T07:22:00.002+08:00

I'm back!!

Lucky to have worked with the nicer CS both sectors. Recently i've realised increasingly that.. well it really is an advantage if you're born good-looking. Coupled with a good attitude etc.. people are more forgiving and tend to cut you some more slack. Anyway.. my crew were nice too.. Those in my galley anyway =p

On the way back IFE was down. The whole 18 hrs.. We worked our ass off and well at least the pax were appreciative. And everyone worked. Everyone in my galley anyway..

I went to Jersey Gardens again.. to kill time basically. Bought my Bebe tees and impulsively bought too much shampoo and Dermalogica. Sigh.. Now i have 4l of shampoos and conditioners sitting in my bathroom. =p

Met Nick and his set for breakfast. His gs looked familiar.. Think we flew tog before and he found me familiar too. Well 3 of us ended up drinking in Nick's room.. at 9am in the morning! Haha.. while waiting for shops to open. I didn't have much cos it was check-out day for me. Was quite fun watching Zathura and drinking and talking cock.

Throughout the 3 days.. i kept thinking if i shd change flight. If it were in the past i would have. And even if i can't do the direct i would have changed for the 4 sector to meet him there. I dunno if i'm just becoming more logical or simply losing it. Nothing seems to matter anymore...

I'm sleepy..

Spillage

2008-09-26T11:05:00.002+08:00

I guess i've been too pre-occupied with my thoughts of him and it began overspilling.. and those that I didn't trust before became privy to the knowledge regarding him. That's not good.. Well at least they don't know who he is.

Yeah they pretend to be interested and sympathetic but after some time pple start to judge. But who are you to judge? When you don't understand how I feel? When you're juggling men yourself? When you swear blind you won't go back to the one who's cheated on you and you did? When you get attached to someone you barely know and just met?

Haha i sound like i'm stepping on the toes of everyone in the world but I don't really care anymore. I know who're the supportive ones and who really cares bout me. And i can differentiate those who're just out for gossip material and think that I'm being stoopid. You're not me nor him. I would love to say U wait till u're in the same situation then u would understand. But well i won't wish this kinda thing on anyone so... just STFU.

I was gonna blog bout what transpired via sms yesterday but.. I'm sick of it all. Been having thoughts of running away again recently. Haha.. yeah i know it doesn't help. It didn't in the past and i doubt it will now. I guess that's the power of age and experience. Wisdom and knowledge...

I Feel...

2008-09-24T23:34:00.002+08:00

I feel rejected.
I feel empty.
I feel like a zombie.
I feel as if you don't want me or this or us anymore.
I feel that you're just waiting for me to say it, to make the first move.
I feel helpless.

So what I'm feeling... Is it the reality?

Intuition

2008-09-23T20:20:00.002+08:00

I'm beginning to trust my intuition more and more. I had this feeling that he's back. This morning when he smsed me.. the whole day.. I felt so lost. So helpless.. Like an empty shell walking around. EVery single thought was bout him and what to do.

I guess part of my not-talking-bout-him meant i swept everything under the carpet. Now it's time to do some housekeeping and all these crumbs are making me miserable. I think i've disected and whined and analysed everything to pieces and I still dunno what to do.

When he smsed a couple of times and I didn't reply i wondered why he didn't call. When he did, i didn't dare pick up. I really dunno what to do. N i actually felt scared. Scared of repeating the whole cycle again. In the end I caved in as usual.

He said he's trying for my ewr. I dunno at which point in time.. I started wondering continually that.. things that he does.. Is it cos he wants to do it? Or he feels obligated to. THen i told him honestly that I was home but didn't noe wat to say. I used to really look forward to 345 until I realise that well he prolly knows a lot more pple there. And our time together will be limited to 4 walls again.

I fell asleep just now. Cos was cramping very badly.. I dunno y but the cramps are getting worse again. N i feel dizzy. And i get this need to sit/squat/lie down. Am glad will be at STC instead for the next few days..

Anyway.. so when i got up.. i miss him like crazy. So i texted him that. And then i realised.. for almost 2 weeks.. he just disappeared from my life. When he finally came back.. there were no I-miss-yous or how-have-u-beens.. I feel so invisible.. Like that time in the tpe hotel. I was on the bed watching tv.. well i was actually watching him go about his stuff. And it hit me that... at that moment.. if u just cut me out of the picture.. He'll still be going about his chores. And nothing will change. I'm that dispensable..

Today i kept fighting the urge to reply him. I have this constant fear.. that he thinks i'm throwing tantrums. I always worry.. that if i don't reply him and it happens that he can meet me. Then he wouldn't. And i won't get to see him again for who noes how long. I noe i should put a stop to this. It shouldn't be like this but...

I dunno when is it that.. We're no longer happy together. Maybe i should rephrase it. I'm very happy when i'm with him. But when he's not with me, it's many times more depressing than the happiness it brought. And with regards to him.. He always gives me this impression that I'm suffocating him. That i'm pressurizing him.

Baby.. if u happen to read this sometime... Today i didn't pick up cos i was scared. I'm scared that I would tell u i wanna see u. WHich i do. Very much. But i dunno what will happen when i see u. I told myself.. if i continue seeing you after all this... it means i'm accepting all that has happened. And i won't throw tantrums anymore. To acheive that.. it would mean.. i won't care as much anymore too.

And i'm afraid i can't. I can't make myself not care bout you. And yet i can't make myself ignore u. Recently u keep asking if i'm unhappy. I really dunno? Cos i am happy with you. That's what's important to me. But i feel i can't make u happy... which makes me upset in return. DO u understand?

I told myself.. during the period.. from ur dinner till yesterday.. IF u attempt to contact me.. As long as you attempt.. I will be with u. But the reality is.. like every other time.. All u can say is sorry. I don't need your sorrys.. there's nothing to be sorry about too. I should have expected this. But.. have u ever wondered what happened to me while u were away? Have u ever thought bout what's happenening to me?

Increasingly.. I find it hard to believe that u love and u care bout me.. when u keep doing things like this. But.. who am I kidding? I can't even remember the last time u said u love me.. or u miss me.. or feel that u really care about me.

='(

Movie Outing

2008-09-17T23:21:00.002+08:00

Well i wanted to catch Wall.E and i asked Shyan if he wanted to watch. Gey kiang me went to suggest we should bring Luke along and Ling agreed! So we went to watch the 10.30am show at Lido this morning. And i got home at 7am after ktv!

Anyway the little monster is cute as the devil as usual. And it felt very heart-warming that.. despite not seeing him for half a year, he still loves me and likes to stick to me. In fact he wants to sit next to me at the theatre, at the restaurant, must play with him when we got home etc.

Ling and auntie are still very nice and friendly towards me. Well they're nice folks. Pity Michael got sucked down with the whole Lehman thing. Well with his expertise i'm sure he can find another job soon.

Dwayne coercing me to go Pasir ris park drink now but am really tired. Will have to pass.. Don't feel like drinking anymore anyway. I just feel empty... If only my room feels the same way lol.

Okie i'm not laughing... =(

What's Left...

2008-09-15T16:17:00.002+08:00

Last night i realised that... Ever since he broke the news to me and i cried before the BKK, i never did cry bout it again.

Aiai invited me prawning with Janson and i brought chris along too. As usual chris started his nonsense but well i never stopped thinking bout him or it. I kept looking at the clock.

Towards the end of his dinner.. I told Dwayne i'm not gonna talk bout him anymore, that i'll try my best. But past midnight.. I dunno why i started crying. Maybe finally the reality of it all set in. Or maybe the secret hope that I'd been cherishing.. that he'd sms me.. even a couple of words... that hope vanished.

I know it's crazy to even think about it. Cos it'll be a busy day and well.. i think it'll be quite disrespectful to his wife but.. I dunno.. I keep telling myself he's busy and he'll be tired. But i can't shake off the feeling that... end of the day it's just how much u want to.

Like how easy it is to send an sms in the bus before nodding off to sleep.. How easy it is to sms in between sleeping periods.. It's just a matter of how much effort u wanna put in. Isn't it?

Anyway they're off now.. I wanted to check out their studio photos.. but i realised that he's restricted his friendster and facebook to friends only. And so has she. Maybe it's for the better. Maybe after this all these emotions and feelings won't be that raw anymore. Maybe i'll start to give up.

I started packing my room. Just clearing out the stuff from my table fills up half a huge trash bag. I think this project would be on-going for sometime. And hopefully it takes my mind off things. But the budget at 5000 is a little high isn't it.. Sigh we'll see.

I'll try my hardest not to talk bout him again to anyone. I'll try.

Aftermath

2008-09-13T04:09:00.002+08:00

I'm back. We're back.. to our own worlds.

The trip was good generally. Though we did quarrel very badly in LAX.. over Disneyland. Eventually we did go but well it could have been better. Was also the first time that I've ever experienced the same kinda rage and speechlessness I used to feel when quarreling with Chris. I was shocked. Really...

I didn't mean to drink a lot last night. In the end i got so drunk i don't rem how i got home. And i lost my hp. And my house key. So i went to get Omnia when my hangover got a bit better. In fact I was so drunk i don't rem crying. Until Alex msn me this afternoon and asked why i was crying so badly. =(

Dwayne was quite nice.. Entertaining me the whole evening. I guess he's guilty bout ditching me last night. But.. I just don't wanna drink anymore. It doesn't help. Not one bit.. Cos when i wake up with a humongous hangover, I still think about him. Bout what he's doing and how he doesn't have time for me.

Maybe it's better this way.. Maybe after it all.. after he comes back.. the pain and emotions would have lessened. Maybe we don't even have to end it. Maybe it'll just die off..

Becos I realised. It's been a while since he says he loves me and such. Been a while since I felt that.. despite everything he really wants to be with me. All i feel now is that i'm tiring him out.. i'm pressurizing him and he doesn't feel happy with me. Seriously.

The whole trip.. Whenever he sleeps i wake up, just looking at him. And i realise that I do wanna look at him.. for the rest of my life. And even after the quarrel.. when we make peace.. When i WANT to make peace.. I realise again that he can be the one. But.. it's just not meant to be.

I won't make extra effort anymore. I just want... a kind of peace from knowing that.. if we continue it's cos he wants it and not that I'm pushing him. On the other hand I know this can't go on any much longer. I want him but i can't bear to push him away.

It's come to a point whereby i don't wanna think about it anymore. Cos it literally gives me a headache just thinking. Like now....

Insignificance

2008-09-04T02:01:00.002+08:00

Well when I touched down this morning and turned on my hp, I realised Kristy smsed me that her daddy passed away.

I was so shocked. she sounded so sad in her sms.. like she's still in disbelief. I feel damn terrible. It's like one blow after another. And i'm gg away later can't go for the wake.

Sister if u're reading this, I'll always be here for you if you need me okie? All of my so called problems are nothing compared to yours. Don't worry bout burdening me or making me worry for you yeah? Cos i do care and so of cos i worry.

When the time is appropriate lemme know when you can meet up.

Apprehension

2008-09-04T01:48:00.002+08:00

I keep having mixed feelings bout tmrw.. or rather later. I'm scared.. of a lot of things.

Scared that if i pretend nothing happened and continue to be happy, and i'll be really happy for like maybe 7 out of 8 days, I won't be able to let go. But if you want me to pretend to not know him or ignore him for 8 days.. I'll be damn miserable.

And my greatest fear.. i dunno what gave me this idea.. but i'm very scared he'll suddenly tell me he's come clean with her or he'll just tell me that he wants to stop this. I really dunno...

Managed to run almost all of my errands so I'm glad. Still thinking whether to give away the off days after. I don't wanna be around when... that happens.

On the other hand, I had a very fun FRA. Phewwww i hope it dispels my fra curse. Sidney made it really memorable haha.. And as usual fra is also very happening for me. Luckily this time things happened to others and not me.

I charged my camera, packed my bags. Just waiting... I've decided to let things take its natural course. Be it for good or for bad.. i paid a high price for this opportunity. Whether things turn better or worse after.. its beyond my control. I always remember what someone taught:

I can't force you not to leave me. I can only make it difficult for you to go.

How will it end?

2008-08-30T20:18:00.002+08:00

He changed for the flt already.

I dunno whether to feel happy. No matter what i'd rather him than the indian gs but still..

I dunno whether to pretend like nothing happened and just enjoy while it lasts like Mel said. But i'm afraid the last night i'll break down. I definitely will. So if it's all coming to the same end then should be happy instead of ignoring or pretending i dunno him right?

Another reason why i still want you to do the flt with me is that... U remember u promised to go Disney with me? I've never made you nor have u promised me anything. So i hope you keep ur word. Then we'll really not owe each other anything anymore. ='( So i won't have any more reason to bother you.

These 2 days.. my rain keep rationalizing what's gonna happen. A part of me knows this is part of the package and there's really nothing i can do about it. That part of me don't wanna make things difficult for him. Nor do I wanna spoil his day. The other side of me just keeps crying.

I thought bout how the dinner would be like. I wanted to ask where it'll be held but.. I don't dare. I'm giving away my off days for a flight. Any flight.. so that I don't have to be around. I don't wanna be in sg at all.

Baby.. despite everything i still love you. I'm sorrie if ive caused you any pain in the process. I... dunno what to say but that everything is a by-product of my love for you. I keep reminding myself that we both said and agreed... that if ever any 1 party wants to leave.. There' really nothing the other person can do.

It's as if we're at a cross-junction now. If you wanna end this right now.. I'll just have to live with it. It's like a limit for me. If i continue to push this I dunno when it'll end. And i dunno how much i can take or when i'll go mad. And despite everything.. i still love you. And i can't imagine my life without you.

Show me what i should do....

Is this The End?

2008-08-30T12:11:00.002+08:00

He offered to send me to work yesterday. I didn't want him to travel up and down esp since he got called up for cgk. But i really wanted to see him even for 10 mins. Looking back.. i wondered would it e better if i didn't. It would even be better if i didn't stubbornly wanna do the sq28 tog. None of this would have happened.

I kept wondering why he has studio appt. Initially i thought maybe it was the photo shoot the other time or sthg. But it was sthg worse.. He said his dinner is on the 14th, before Hawaii. My heart literally stopped.

I started fumbling in my bag for sthg to do. Trying fucking hard not to cry. He kept trying to talk to me until i finally snapped. Tears just started rolling down. Kept trying to calm myself cos i still have to do the bkk but i just can't. Finally i stopped crying long enough to step out of the car.

I reached the toilet and dried my tears. Touched up and went into Control. All the while.. my brain was in a whirlwind. The only thought in my mind now was: What should I do now? What should I do with myself? After checking in i couldn't stop the tears and had to run to the toilet again. There i sobbed to Mel for bout 5 mins then i had to go into the briefing room.

As i intro myself i know everyone was staring at my red eyes. It's a link flt so i was afraid of the repercussions. But i just couldn't smile much. Anyhow.. the flt went quite smoothly. I was C3 and my LS even commented my work was good. Basically I feel damn proud of myself for not breaking down or screwing things up. Still.. i knew it was too smooth to be true. I left my sandals onboard. Sigh... the only consolation is at least it's not my safety shoes.

When i got back.. I just hid in the toilet and started crying again. Supposed to meet Joon at DF but i didn't even feel like drinking. Eventually I went.. Mel and Yingying accompanied me. They both drank till damn high but as usual the one who needs to be drunk didn't.

Now.. I dunno what to say.. dunno wat to do. I'm very vexed cos.. I drew a line for myself. If ever the day he starts to hold his dinner, get the keys to his house I would have to let go. No choice right? I don't wanna see him having kids and all too. But time after time i kept pushing that limit. Time after time i kept deluding myself.. don't wanna ask anything, don't wanna know anything that will make me sad.

Honestly if u ask me how much I know about him? I don't. I frankly dunno much out him.. I don't interact enough with him to know his character, his habits and such. But i trust my intuition. He remains the one guy that i'd feel happy seeing no matter when, where or how. And he's still the only one that i've said I love for the past 4 yrs. It means a lot to me.

But now.. like he kept saying there's no light at the end of the tunnel. I asked him what should i do. He said just do whatever that won't hurt me. Either way i'll feel hurt right? The most amazing thing is that... It's as if my brain is telling me to stop all this before someone or myself gets really hurt. But my heart is convincing my brain that i love him enough to put up with all these. That i was just shocked and it was too sudden.

It's true in a sense.. He kept asking if i'm angry. There's nothing to be angry about. I should have expected it. Just that i was really shocked. Really really shocked. I kept wondering where will his dinner be held.. Who did he invite.. When did he give out the invitations.. How would he look. I totally blocked out the bride.

I know that if i just grit my teeth and leave him.. 1 year down the road it won't hurt as much. I'd have moved on. Maybe I'll still be waiting.. But he's not with me anymore. He says he still wants to be with me but he don't wanna see me so hurt. And u know what? I believe him.

All along i really trust him. When he says he's been good, when he says he doesn't have someone else. Don't ask me why.. But everytime he finds time to squeeze in a msg for me i'm happy. Even if i can't reply, i appreciate it. But sometimes when i really miss or need him and he's not there, that's when i start throwing tantrums again. But i know deep down.. Btwn me and his wife.. there's no fight really.

Now my question is: I really do love him a lot. Can i contend with being a lover and sharing him? Frankly i cannot bring myself to leave him or even forget him. Which is why i can't be with someone else. But i'm scared what will happen next. I'm scared i'll really go crazy 1 day and do things that i usually won't.

He asked me do I still want him to do the sq28. Honestly i'm torn. I would love to spend 8 days with him. But it's too cruel knowing his events after the flt. I still want him to do it with me.. even for the last time. Even if i have to ignore him.. Even if we pretend not to know each other. Now i strongly believe in destiny.. I was wondering.. We started with sq28.. Would we end with it too? I think i found my answer. Or rather the answer found me.

Destined

2008-08-29T09:58:00.003+08:00

He just called. And said he got wedding dinner and studio appt on the 5th.

What can I say?

So i told him to reject the cof i'll talk to the gs. I just feel empty. Like everything got sucked out of me. The jubilance of finally doing flt together.. the excitement of doing sq28 again. Sometimes i wonder...

I know it's difficult for him. And i know he appreciates what i'm doing. But it doesn't change the fact that it's always about choices. Between me and her. Between me and the rest of his life.

It's quite a straightforward and logical choice. Isn't it?

=(

Edited to add: I realised... Who am i kidding? He made his choice long ago. I just thought too highly of myself. Either that or i'm living in my own world. As usual...

SQ28

2008-08-29T00:00:00.002+08:00

I did it!!

I got the best pattern for sq28. Finally just bit the bullet and 'you-know' max. Suffice to say that i'm doing the flt for free. And i gave away 6 off days.. Baby is so gonna scold me but dunno.. just feel relieved.

And very happy. I don't care bout the money. I get to spend 8 whole days with Baby. It's worth it. =) Even though i'll be working 16 days in a row. I just hope the COFs go through. Cross your fingers for me!!!

I met baby 5 months ago on the worst sq28 pattern right after i did the best one. So.. sq28 holds a lot of significance to me. And brings back a lot of memories. Funnily enough I never did tpe again after meeting Baby. Never got rostered for it again. Feel happy just thinking bout it... Furthermore sq28 stops this month. So i really wanna do it again but only with baby.

I hope everything goes well!!!!

Exhausted

2008-08-28T22:33:00.002+08:00

Just as i posted my last post... He smsed me. Asked me not to go mahjong or party only can go supper. All of a sudden i feel really exhausted. Maybe its fatigue or lack of restful sleep or... I dunno.

I feel really tired. Yesterday something srtuck me. We as Singaporeans are never really specific when we speak in mandarin. Yesterday my massaue (spelling??) said: Ni hen kun le (You look sleepy) and i replied yeah i'm tired (lei). Seem like we use 'lei' for everything.

But yeah back to topic.. I'm really tired. Tired of trying so hard, tired of always waiting. Waiting for a call, sms, waiting for you to squeeze time for me. Waiting for pple to reply me for cof, waiting... just waiting.

Come to a point whereby i just wanna throw up my hands and say i give up. But i know the next minute.. the next second as long as u call me or talk to me or pacify me then i'll be willing to let it go and try again.

I really don't wish to be the one being abandoned at the very end. ='(

COF

2008-08-28T22:06:00.002+08:00

I'm so angry, frustrated and tired over COFs. I hate changing flts nowadays.

I only agreed to give away my sq12 and work 8 days in a row cos it gives me 6 days off after that. I thought it's give me a very good chance to change for whatever flt i want with baby. Sigh... Fat chance.

Nowadays people are so money-minded. And greedy.. Imagine i give away 6 days off still have to.... u know. Can't say much also here. Am just very depressed. I sent more than a hundred smses in sg and outstation but till now i still can't get any reasonable flt.

I'm so tired.. Gotta wakey in another 10 hrs for flt again. And i haven't even showered. I reached home and just parked myself in front of the comp on the COF board. =(

I was just thinking.. Why is it so easy for others? Maybe it's not but it seems easy. Maybe it's a sign. God's will.. I dunno. I feel as if i haven't seen u for a very long time. Haven't had a conversation with you for so long. In fact.. i can't remember when was the last time we took a walk along the beach.. or played tennis.. or did anything other than just lunch.

I'm very scared cos.. all the things i dread are coming true one by one. Wedding photos.. Honeymoon... Next will be the Dinner and then your house and... I don't wanna think anymore. ='(

Shower time.

Hawaii

2008-08-26T22:01:00.002+08:00

I've always wanted to go there on my honeymoon. Since i was a little girl i always imagine tanned people with straw skirts and the beaches and how i'd like to go or pick up surfing there. Just lazing on the beach with my huge shades and pina colada and of cos my beloved new hubby.

Now.. yeah my beloved is going to Hawaii but he's not my hubby and well he's not going with me. And he's on matrimonial leave. My heart chilled when i heard his holiday plans. He said he didn't wanna tell me cos I'd be angry. I'm not angry. Just that my heart is bleeding.

I seriously dunno how much more i can take.

='(

Third Party

2008-08-26T02:35:00.004+08:00

I guess it's only recently that I've begun to fully appreciate the true meaning of the word. Call me warped or misguided or whatever u wanna say but.. i'm beginning to feel that.. there's a lot of strength and resolve in this category of women.

I'm not referring to those vile home-breakers or shit-stirrers and such but... just those that are unfortunate enough to fall for a married man and yet stay true to their love and thus spend huge quantities of their time waiting, alone.

I always remember this show that I'd watch and watch every time i come across it. Even though i've watched it for many many times. It's by Leung Kar Fai and Anita Yuen. I think the title is Nian Nian You Jin Ri. The story goes that they met by chance on a small island off HKG and were stranded. So things happened as they shared the only room available for the night. He went back to his wife and kid and she subsequently got married too. But they still meet at the same place every year. It went on for more than 50 years but they were both committed to their partners and neither felt it right to leave. More so for the guy actually. Eventually the guy's wife died and he finally asked her to marry him.

There're a lot of things that i chose not to see, not to ask, not to hear. Chris always said that i'm very good at deluding myself. Becos i know that if i see, i ask and i hear, i'll be unhappy. You'll be put in a spot and that's not what i want. I want you to be happy. So by not pressurizing you i hope u're happy.

But i realise it's not possible. Cos stress comes from within yourself too. Whether you know or acknowledge it or not. Increasingly.. as i read through our msgs.. it's always the usual i-miss-yous, have-you-been-good etc msgs. There's no... life in it. It doesn't speak of my life, my worries, my happiness, nor yours.

And when i open my eyes and listen, i realise that your life goes on. Even with me now and i assume even without me later on. U still find time to meet your friends, things still happen. And at times like these i wish i were just a normal friend. I think i'd know u better. You as a person and your life.

That's why i think serious third parties are strong. Becos u only live.. when the other person has time for you. Other than that... you're merely existing. Waiting for the next opportunity when you can feel alive again.

By some chance i was on friendster, which i haven't been for ages, and thought to look at your profile and pics. It's restricted to friends only. I don't even know if you're on mine or vice versa. Then i just had this want to look at hers. So i searched. When i saw the 'My little prince photo' my heart started beating very fast. When it reached the 'my 2 dearest men' i think my heart stopped.

The whole night my imagination went wild. Why is it that on the other pic she just stated it's her niece.. so it can't be her newphew rite? She would have just said so? It's can't be yours cos u've never mentioned it, only ur nieces. It was horrifying even to consider the possibility that it's your son. It was such a bone-chilling thought. In fact i was so bothered that i can't sleep now and went to look at the pic again. The date says 2006, which apparantly u weren't even married yet so.. i highly doubt it's your son.... rite?

I really dunno. It's just that.. How do i start describing how i feel? It's as if i belong to another little world in the huge world of yours. Like after you've done your duty as a son, a husband and a friend then you'll come to me. And becos the conditions under which we can meet are difficult, i always imagine u try to meet me EVERY chance u get. Which might not the the reality.

Looking at the photos just now and reading the captions, you have really gone through a lot with her. I mean.. it's quite a lot of time and memories. Something which i will never have the chance to do. Create similar memories.. And as i keep looking at them.. a part of me tells me that.. no matter how much i love you.. i bet she does too. And i'm sure she was with you every step of the way... in your life for the past years... which made you decide to marry her. And.. i think 'us' will be devastating news... which i feel would be unbearable to any woman. So i'm really confused now.

I know eventually i don't have a choice. I know everyone will say i can choose to leave.. including you. But that's not a real choice. It's like telling the pax you can choose to eat this or don't eat. Maybe i don't have to do anything at all.. Maybe u'll choose to leave.. Maybe you'll get tired of me.. Maybe i'll get tired of trying..

Maybe.

Prawning!

2008-08-24T22:27:00.003+08:00

I finally went prawning!! With melody and shyan. After 3 hours and 90 ucks, we caught a grand total of 37 prawns wahahaha. Then we bbq them on the spot!

It was pouring the whole day! And i thought that it'll be a sunny day since it rained cats and dogs yesterday. We were so funnie trying to balance the rod, an umbrella each and trying to hook the bait. Pictures in Shyan's camera so have to wait.

Well he tried to pass me pics from BKK too but my Eee PC has too little capacity.

On the BTS to Siam Paragon

Greedy me and my cheesecake at this atas cafe L'Oriental

On the escalator where Melvin was trying out the lighting

Sinema Old School

2008-08-24T11:29:00.002+08:00

I watched 3 movies last night. Well technically 2 short films at Sinema and Cyborg She. Shyan booked the tix and it was my first time there. It looks so creepy! Apparantly it used to be a school.. It's behind The Cathay and well shyan's aunt used to teach thre and she said it's haunted.

Anyway the short films were quite disturbing. Not the really thought-provoking kind of disturbing. Being a Lit student some plays really do make you ponder but some just... well they shock but there's no rhyme or reason behind it. It's just a bizzare twist and you get this uncomfy feeling you just can't shake off.

But well it was a nice change and the seats were comfy. ut i think it was meant to be just n auditorium so the sound absorbers or whatever it's called are not in place so there're still revebrations or sthg.

Yay am mtg my aiai later. Shyan tagging along.. We're gg prawning! Wahaha... Dunno if i'll love or hate it. I've never fished b4 in my life! =p Haven't seen Melody in a while.. so it's gonna be fun!

Well.. i think Shyan's been hanging around me a little too much. Am starting to get the cornered kinda feeling again. :( I mean he's nice and i think he'll back off if i ask him to but then he'll feel hurt. Sigh... But i did say i'm not ready. I dunno...

And Baby's been a little distant.. I dunno if it's just my imagination. I hate it esp when he does 345 flts. He'll just... disappear. And now apparantly he has 2 blocks of leave when he told me just 1 in Dec and he's gg climbing. Okie so you have your own life and your own plans and somehow it doesn't include me. So i just have to stay out and off i guess sigh... Maybe it's better this way.. :(

Am rostered for 345 training end Sept. Dunno whether to be happy.. I used to really look forward to it but now.. I'm trained for jcl only recently. Still blur and unsure and now 345. Sigh... Well just takes time i guess.. But i hate the incompetent feeling and looks i get.

Gotta go prep.

Wishes

2008-08-20T12:21:00.002+08:00

I realised that everyone's happy birthday message to me hopes that my wishes will be fulfilled.

But i haven't made my wish (apart from the one for kristy). I dunno what to wish for. Happiness? The one thing that would make me very happy would make someone and others who love her very sad. Wish for money? But money can't buy happiness..

I know Ryan will say wish for wisdom. Then i can rise above all this unnecessary trouble, hurt and headaches.

As if.

My Birthday

2008-08-20T10:43:00.006+08:00

Well.. things got quite bad. Irene last min say not feeling well, no energy and Denise kept asking me to change to another day. I was pretty pissed. If it's just drinking then fine any day would do. But if it's my birthday how to change??

On top of that I had to go for dinner and movie with Mark cos i felt bad i asked him to get DENISE's stuff the other time. And i don't like to make use of people. But the incident really made me wonder... Sometimes you treat certain friends very nice cos u feel they have priority in your life. But it doesn't necessarily mean that it's the same for them. You might just be a convenient friend to have to them.

Then cos I complained to Shyan and he didn't want me to be unhappy he planned a surprise for me at ECP. In a short span of 3 hrs! And he roped in Eric and Melvin to help. I was very touched and I know he owes them big time. He even called Melody and Trillia and offered to pick them up and send them home if they come and pay for their cab ride this morning cos they have to work.

At times like that I know he can be the one. The one who'll be there for me and take all my nonsense and take care of me. But...

The whole evening and night... I kept looking at my hp. You didn't even msg me when u landed. You said u didn't have the chance to. I'm sure chances can be created but... Well it was a decision. You keep asking if i'm unhappy nowadays. I dunno if i'm unhappy. Cos i dunno how it feels like anymore.

It seems like i've accepted everything. The waiting.. the disappointments.. It almost seems normal to me now. From the moment u got called up for syd.. I pushed away all dinner dates and meet-ups.. unless i'm sure you can't/won't/don't wanna meet me. Just like today... I have absolutely nothing on now. But when i asked if u're gonna meet me and u say she's ending early. Then i know... yeah.. Either i make my plans now or stay home.

By now if u dunno that i'd make an effort and meet u even for half an hour... If u still cannot see that then i'm very sad. Yes i'm upset when u have to go. But i'd rather see u than not at all. Is it that difficult to understand? Would it make u happier if i'm not upset that u have to go? I just wanted to see you. A hug, a kiss, a happy birthday from you.

So on my special day.. i've been crying since 9am. My heart feels like someone keeps stabbing it continually. And my tears just keep rolling.

Happy birthday to me.

Edited to add: Baby came to look for me with chicken rice, bubble tea and flowers. Although he stayed less than 1 hr with me i'm happy already. And he looks so tired. Sigh... I love you baby. Miss you already...

Oh and clumsy me stained my already-not-white LV wallet with the pink solution from the flowers. So now there's a patch of pink on my white wallet. Well done. Arghhhhhhh

古巨基 & 梁静茹 - 还是好朋友

2008-08-18T16:56:00.002+08:00

Some things resurfaced before and after my BKK trip. Things that I didn't and still don't wanna face. I wonder why.. I wonder why is it after everything, after all the tears and quarrels and angry stares andb hurtful words... Why do they want me back? Why didn't they remember during those crucial times... that they love me?

I chanced upon this mtv on youtube. Found the lyrics really meaningful but i couldn't find the song to post it here though. I just hope that someday I will be able to say it and not wait for it to be said to me...

没有人要内疚没需要原宥
在十字街头就相互保佑

那些体贴问候那美丽镜头
没必要一分开就变成了诅咒

相爱这一场
可能是为了能拥有一个好朋友
还是好朋友比爱人长久

不能牵的手按在心头
在最寂寞的关头永远在左右
事过情迁后
（升华以后）升华眼泪后
思念是最漫长的享受
（漫长的享受）
那无痛的伤口还带着温柔到白头

亲吻失去感受火花烧到尽头
没有激情有感情
有另一种邂逅

相爱这一场
可能是为了能拥有一个好朋友
还是好朋友比爱人长久

不能牵的手按在心头
在最寂寞的关头永远在左右
事过情迁后（升华以后）升华眼泪后
思念是最漫长的享受（漫长的享受）
那无痛的伤口还带着温柔到白头
（是什么叫你我只配做一对好朋友）

If you're interested, this is the weblink: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KWb2VPpWfRw

LHR and BKK

2008-08-18T12:59:00.002+08:00

I'm back... Totally exhausted.

Well i didn't have time to blog bout my jcl solos. I guess my ifs was being nice by putting me in jcl for all 4 sectors. But sigh... maybe am just disappointed with myself for getting all worked up cos of the CS and then didn't really do my stuff very well.

On Friday evening we left for BKK. My first time! With Shyan, Melvin and Eric. The guys were nice.. always taking care of me and carrying my stuff etc. Somehow it didn't really interest me. We spent all of like 2 and 1/2 hrs in Chatuchak or JJ Market. Haha.. super fast right? And i only bought like 2 tees for my bro. It was simply too hot, messy and uncomfy.

Eventually we spent more time at Siam Paragon, Siam Discovery, Siam Centre and Central World than anywhere else! All in all i bought 2 tees, 3 shoebags and 1toiletry bag from Naraya and 3 bras from La Senza. Wahahaha... And i don't think i'll be heading back to BKK anytime soon. Why didn't i just follow their original plan and gone to HKG instead??? At least maybe i'll end up at Disney =p

On another note.. I just read Kristy's email. Sister i love you okie! Don't worry bout me misunderstanding or feeling hurt or whatever. U're more important. And i'm taking care of myself. At least i don't hurt myself anymore. Don't worry bout me. =0) I love you. Remember that. My birthday wish this year is for you to.........

I know you'd say cannot say it out loud or it won't come true. I didn't. So i hope it comes true. =0)

Butterflies in Stomach

2008-08-10T22:31:00.003+08:00

Baby i so wanna hear your voice now or at least sms you but I now i shouldn't. So i shall msg you here...

Was writing the bar order pad just now and i tore up i dunno how many copies wahaha. Am super nervous bout tmrw. I dunno why but well i just want it to be smooth. My cgk crew wanted to slap me cos they said i'm ex crew what's there to be scared of but well i haven't worked jcl for quite some time you know..

I almost forgot to prepare all the stuff for jcl. Just done everything. Baby i'm sad bout Kristy and I'm sad u never sms me even since yest morning.. I know u're tired and u're prolly busy as well but... Dunno. Just wanna sa jiao. Cos u said when i get trained u'll change flt and help me along rite??? Booooooooooooooo.. Yeahyeah i know u can't help it.

Been waiting for ur call/sms the whole day. =0( Gotta wake up in 6 hrs. I better go sleep now or u'll scold me again. =0( Night baby...

Vulnerability of Life

2008-08-10T20:41:00.002+08:00

I don't think i've ever mentioned Kristy in this blog. She's my best buddy from Silkair. As in my best friend not flying buddy. U know what i mean. She's the nicest, friendliest, always cheerful, always-putting-you-first kinda gal. It's really MY fortune to have known her really.

She's been through so much with me. All the nonsense bout and from Chris, Colin and she was so happy bout Shyan. All the late night crying and consoling. All the self-declared-off-days-while-on-standby.. She was deeply disappointed with me regarding Chris and the things i did to myself. But i know she still cares a lot.

And i never had the chance to be the kinda friend she was to me, to her. And i will never get the chance to. Simply becos she's too nice to let me. Her dad's been terminally ill for sometime and it's taking a strain on her. Now.. i had to find out through friendster that she lost her baby. Since when was she pregnant?? I feel so awful. What kinda friend am i??

I did try to keep in contact. It was difficult especially after i went to dubai we sorta drifted. When i came back she was getting married. Felt a bit distant ever since then but she has a new life now. Sigh... I really hope and pray that she'll be okie soon. Well i know it takes time and you'll never really be okie but u know what i mean.

Anyway i dunno what's going on now. How many months etc. How's her dad. I did send her msgs so i guess have to wait for her reply. Sister I just wanna tell u that i love u a lot okie? Anything that i can do for you... Anything at all.. i would.

Baby i'm so sad right now. Can't even imagine her pain. And i can't help but have this sinking feeling that... it's never even gonna happen to me. Simply cos... we won't. ='(

Depressing

2008-08-10T19:06:00.003+08:00

Well it all started with meeting the gang on Friday night. I met up with SHyan and he kinda half-cajoled half-forced me to go have dinner with them too. Them comprising of Karine, Angel, Lionel, Melissa, Nigel, Pika. Only 1 word to describe... AWKWARD.

I'm the most surprised and disappointed with Angel's reaction. She totally didn't look at me throughtout the night. And only Lionel, Mel and Nigel actually talked to me. Well Karine did too actually. Maybe i should be lucky Callie's not there. Well if she were i wouldn't have gone in the 1st place! All in all.. I can only say i tried. My best. I'm washing my hands off them and frankly... after so long.. i don't feel much of a loss anymore.

Next blessing-in-disguise thing. Well since i'm the most junior non-probationary crew, I was super slack for the cgk n/s. Until IFS gave choice of work position and I was left with no choice. Hence my 1st jcl solo began. Chief was nice... as long as the rest of the crew. Okie i wasn't very blur but then again it's cgk. Easy peasy. J4 up, J3 back. Guess i'm lucky... 308 tmrw. I hope my luck runs till then.

And then... when i was in cgk, i got a couple of... @$!^&%#(*)*^%$&#@ smses from HxxxxxN. Go figure...

Him: Hi Irene... HxxxxxN here. I changed my no... But I miss u...
Me: =) I noe u're doing fine and that's good enough for me.
Him: I only wanted to say that I was only kidding when i said i missed you haha because i realised that i could have lost karen over you. And i would have been the big joke. I'm so glad that i'm out of it. Good luck and goodbye.
Me: Hmmm well that was unnecessary. Since i assume you changed your no to get me out of ur life. Nevertheless i'm glad you made the right choice. U take care.

*And then i fell asleep. I only realised he still replied the next morning*

Him: Yeah. But i felt the strong need to tell you that's all. And this isn't even my number. Bye.

I didn't know whether to laugh or what. Just shook my head. I mean.. what's up man. Okie well if you somehow have my blog address and you're reading this, lemme say this once and for all. From the bottom of my heart, I'm glad that u feel u've made the right choice. We prolly wouldn't have been good together anyway. I don't have ur number in my phone. I deleted it long ago and frankly don't remember it anymore. I've moved on and so have you. If at some point in time you still feel the strong urge to humiliate/ridicule me then i'd feel sad for you. Obviously it's bugging you more than it bugs me. I know that Karen has been spreading things about me and i'm very proud to let u know that i haven't. I could have said nasty things too but well what's the point. I'm not being noble here, just practical. Don't see what good it'll do me nor you or her. If you don't believe me i'm cool with it too. Cos I know and God knows i'm telling the truth. I still visit her blog sometimes and i'm glad you guys are happy and working things out. It takes losing something to make you treasure it i guess. Nevertheless i still choose to believe maybe you're drunk when u sent those msgs or it wasn't u or sthg like that. I will only remember the good and not the bad. So chill okie? =)

Regardless... life still goes on. Signed another facial package today wahaha. Big big big hole in pocket. And i went for tea with Mommy. I miss my baby but I know it's sunday so... and u're most prolly very tired. So am not gonna disturb ya so u have a good rest yeah. =)

And I love the new song I posted. =)

对的人

2008-08-07T22:13:00.002+08:00

你问在我心中　是否还苦恼
那次受伤　否决了爱的好
谢谢你的关照　我一切都好
一个人　不算困扰

爱虽然很美妙　
却不能为了寂寞　
又陷了泥沼

爱要耐心等待　
仔细寻找　
感觉很重要
宁可空白了手　
等候一次　
真心的拥抱
我相信在(这个)世界上　
一定会遇到
对的人出现
(在眼角)

那次流过的泪　让我学习到
如何祝福　如何转身　不要
在眼泪体会到　与自己拥抱
爱不是一种需要　是一种对照

能愿意为了一份爱　付出去多少
然后得到多少并不计较
当我想清楚的时候　我就算已经准备好
放手去爱　海阔天高
喔... 耶...

Frustrated

2008-08-07T18:29:00.005+08:00

I'm so mad.

Why do you always ask me to decide then be unhappy bout my decision? Then why don't YOU decide in the first place?? And then after that you keep saying i get angry easily.. What did u do wrong again..

I'm so pissed i feel like screaming! Last week was also like that. I know u have your considerations and limitations. But i'm already accomodating you as much as I can. What else do you want??

Am gonna pour away the soup.

Edited to add: Why is it when i'm angry everytime u're angrier than me... =0(
I never asked u to go party or play mj with me. U're the one who suggested it. So now why do i get blamed that u're making an effort and i'm still unhappy? I've already told u yest i think u'll be tired.. I asked if u wanna rest at home. U think i don't wanna meet u? Of cos i do! But if it means depriving u of rest then i'll feel bad.
Since u suggested mj or party then of cos I'd think it's manageable for u. Of cos I know u're making an effort. But we oth put in effort for each other. So now we're gonna start counting how many times each?
U always feel i get angry easily. Don't I have a reason to? Then how bout yourself? U always complain it's difficult to make me happy. I can be happy without you too. It's just another kind of happiness.

Long Rest

2008-08-07T15:45:00.002+08:00

Planning's been really nice to me lately. After my SNY i had 4 days off and then i did that extremely-tiring-but-luckily-no-biggie akl and I had 4 days off again. After my 308 i'm on leave so yippeee!

And since i have so much time on my hands, i got tired of watching Chao Ji Xin Guang Da Dao 3, i've been playing mj and drinking too much. I decided to cook for my poor baby who's currently protecting our nation and me. Wahahaha... I went to NTUC just now and bought stuff for watercress soup. I hope it turns out well.

Okie i must rant bout this. Every single time when i'm super duper unglam, I will run into someone. Definitely. This time i ran into my JC99 wet run trainer, whom i did sq2 with also. And he recognises me. Embarrassing.

Oh no it's raining heavily suddenly.. Baby's doing IPPT. Hope he's okie..

代言人

2008-08-05T21:57:00.003+08:00

綠茶找誰證明好味道
新手機找誰證明時髦
我難道要找愛情證明
我會笑

給自己做個廣告
看自己能多好
讓世界都知道
煩惱比他少
過得比他好

生活多迷人
來做代言人
沒有約會
一樣可能
愛一個人
有時比不上我一個人
慣了做他的人
有點悶
為今天多輕省
來做代言人
穿得摩登
整個城市找我證明
多豐盛
我愛上自己的靈魂

就算推銷天荒和地老
更愛給途人目光擁抱
我不如找面鏡子證明我驕傲

給自己做個廣告
看自己有多好
讓世界都知道
活得比他好

生活多迷人
來做代言人
沒有約會
一樣可能
愛一個人
有時比不上我一個人
慣了做他的人
有點悶
為今天多輕省
來做代言人
穿得摩登
整個城市找我證明
多豐盛
我愛上自己的靈魂

所有男生和女生
趁單身享受單身
到戀愛再去兩個人

生活多迷人
來做代言人
沒有約會
一樣可能
愛一個人
有時比不上我一個人
慣了做他的人
有點悶
為今天多輕省
來做代言人
穿得摩登
整個城市找我證明
多豐盛
我愛上自己的靈魂

生活多迷人
來做代言人
沒有約會
一樣可能
愛一個人
有時比不上我一個人
慣了做他的人
有點悶
為今天多輕省
來做代言人
穿得摩登
整個城市找我證明
多豐盛
我愛上自己的靈魂

Chalet

2008-08-01T12:27:00.002+08:00

Well Changi Village ran out of rooms and cos I didn't book as we weren't sure what we were gonna do... We ended up at Downtown East! It's been ages since I went for a chalet! Ever since before Uni i guess. Cos well in Uni we were like at chalet everyday anyway haha.

So.. we checked in and nua-ed for a bit. I wanted to go catch a show and baby was really nice cos he kept wanting to go check the times but.. we were hungry! So baby brought me to this yummy crab beehoon place. It was nice.. gonna bring my family maybe next week.

Then we went bavk to walk around a bit. Movies were packed so we ended up... in the arcade! Wahahaha it was so much fun! We played this ball-throwing machine till both our arms ache. It was aching so badly when I was brushing my teeth that I had to prop my elbow on the sink and baby was laughing at me! It's still aching now =p

Anyway we spent a good 2 hrs there! We played this Japanese drum thingy that Jo and I used to play at Suntec. It's like u have to keep to the beat kinda thing. They have chinese songs too! That must have been the new version. We drummed really hard but sometimes it gets passed over. Bahhhh!

It was really noisy at night though. With the teens running around. Baby couldn't get much sleep. So poor thing... Well he was LAUGHING in his dreams so i guess he must have been happy. I was! I enjoyed myself a lot. Pity... no pics. =0( I don't think that's allowed =p

I love you baby =0)

It's a Beautiful day!

2008-07-31T12:41:00.002+08:00

Wooohoooo the weather is quite sunny and nice and the most important thing is... I'm gonna see my baby in 1 hr's time! Yipeeee! =D

Lalalaaa i'm so happy! Anyway i went DF for the 1st time in a couple of weeks. Wasn't too fun. Quite empty for a Wed and Denise and Irene left early! Well Ah Bao made me stay and was quite nice to me. Luckily Hazel was around his cove too so I didn't feel too lonely =p

But... i think i'm done with drinking. Seriously. Nowadays i don't even like to drink green tea on normal occassions cos i have so much green tea during our drinking sessions! Speaking of green tea.. Yesterday was the 1st time also that I got free and AUTO top-up of green tea! So surprised. Seems like.. it's good to know the right people as usual... Bleah! =p

Anyhow.. after my birthday I think i'm gonna cut down on drinking and clubbing le. Getting old and it's bad for my pocket. I just got my credit card bill. How on earth did i chalk up 4K+ when I didn't even make any big ticket purchases?? I'm so screwed lah. Must cut down already. =p

But i'm still happy. Hee... We're gg for lunch and movie. I shall go look for movie times now and we'll play mj tonight.

Sighz.. he just called. Change of plans le. Can't play mj cos it'll end too late. That's wat i've been thinking or vexing bout. If we go out and do stuff then eventually he'll have to go home to sleep. Which defeats the purpose cos i finally get the chance to sleep tog! BUT if we book a hotel then.. there's really nothing much to do. Sigh... feel like all the fizz has gone out of me. =(

Shower time.

Weird

2008-07-30T21:27:00.002+08:00

This is so funnie. Just as i keep lamenting that I have nothing to do on off days, people all wanna meet-up on the same days! What's happening??

Sometimes i feel as if i have no riends. Like you know how I used to be able to hang out everyday with Pika and gang. Someone is defintely free to meet. But now... I feel as if I have no anchor in my life. Like i'm just drifting along.. Passing day after day.

Anyway.. am meeting the love of my life tmrw and he can be with me the whole day! Yay!! But i really dunno what to do actually. And i want him to rest since he has to be up early on friday and even earlier on Sat. Poor thing...

I had a little discovery just now. I was too lazy to blow-dry my hair so i just scrunched Potion 9 and went to take a nap. Now... my hair looks the same as if i had dried it. FAINTED!!! Waste of my time.

Too Free

2008-07-29T15:42:00.004+08:00

Yeah i have 4 off days after the sny, which... was a disaster. In some ways i guess. Never felt so ocstrasized (spelling??) in my entire time here! All cos of a stoopid gay gs. Grrrrr irritating. I can never get along with sisters!! I guess i should start packing my roster and visiting the COF board more often.

Anyway... he can come out tonight but cannot meet me. Sigh... And now i cannot sms after midnight. But i was really very very angry and very very sad and super bullied. :( At times like this then i wonder what's the point. Of continuing like this... I need someone who can be there for me anytime.

I purposely kept all my off days. Didn't make any plans also. Don't wanna confirm meet-ups with my friends just in case you're free. In the end? You asked if i'm angry. Honestly i'm not. But what else can I say? Either i get used to it.. or i just get myself out of this isn't it? There's really no other way around it. And nowadays i even try to sound happy or at least not upset so you wouldn't feel guilty or upset or sthg. Sigh... Why can't i even be sad when i really am? =0(

I was really happy when u spent time with me on Sat. I know u're making an effort. But really.. everytime i have to see you go i'd rather you not meet me at all. Cos the rollercoaster feeling is damn cruel. Maybe in a way i'm numb already. Just like i was planning stuff for us to do if you come out.. Like mj or maybe we can go Sentosa again or sthg. But i don't dare to think bout it anymore lest i get disappointed again.

Do you know how difficult it is to deliberately not revolve your world around 1 person... when it's all that you really want to?

Lao Chai!!

2008-07-26T02:17:00.006+08:00

Arghhhhhh that's what Daniel keeps calling me nowadays! And all the guys keep telling me i look older and that straight hair suits me better. On the other hand, all the gals say i look nice with curled hair too. Ah sigh...

Anyway i'm glad i finally did it. Ive been whining and considering for far too long. Soetimes it's like that isn't it? When we think about sthg too much, when we're too occupied with the consequences and repercussions of doing sthg, then we never get around to doing it. The inertia just becomes too great. When you finally bite the bullet and do it, you start to think of ways to handle the situation better.

But... the first step is always dificult That first step...

Anyway.. jc99 is over and I went ktv with christy, grace, franscisca and her hubby, ying ying and her soon-to-be bf benjamin and jerome. Sean was there also with Jian Ling but they both left early cos they have to work tmrw. We were supposed to head to DF but Ying cancelled cos Ben's bag is too heavy so he's not that keen. Daniel asked me to go watch dvd at his house but am not comfy with the idea even though I know nothing will happen. We're just good friends. Christopher offered to entertain me if i go join him at DF but well Alex will be there so i'm not too interested too.

So... I came home! Hehe so proud of myself. Are you proud of me? ;)

Edited to add: I actually uploaded a pic of my curled hair BUT it's so ugly sigh... should i rebond back?? =0(

New Look!

2008-07-24T07:59:00.003+08:00

Yay i finally permed my hair!!! Wahaha... i didn't have to style it today cos well it's wet run i have to twist it up. Anyway i don't think i'll be able to do it properly!

It's not really the kind of curls i was hoping for but i'm prepared cos I know the kind i want can only be done using the curling tongs and it's temporary. Plus i just trimmed my hair. Arghhhhh why did i do that??

And i was looking at Potion 9 etc when I was in Beautyland. Why didn't i get it?? Haha oh well.. i might tire of having to deal with it every night and morning and rebond it again after a while. =p

Wahaha... not very clear but oh well.. Chris said i look older. Shucks... =0(

Musings

2008-07-21T22:36:00.004+08:00

Was telling grace today.. U know how as humans sometimes we really wanna know something. But when that something turns out to be negative or what we wouldn't have liked to hear or it doesn't conform with what we think then we'd rather not hear it?

And how sometimes we think we wanna know but when we do we'd rather not know? Or how we'd go all out to get something we really want.. or THINK we really want but when we get it then the feeling changes? Is it just the joy of the pursuit? Or that we beautify it so much in our quest for it thus egging our desire but in actual fact it might not be what we want/need/imagine it to be?

Everyone keeps saying my late nights sparked my allergy. Maybe you're right but well all i know is that it has never happened before. Even when i was doing a lot of late nights partying during our first year. Maybe it's age maybe it's something i ate or inhaled or whatever. But yeah we all jump to conclusions. He said it's alcohol poisoning. Maybe you're right, maybe you're not. But the important thing is.. that's not what i want to hear!

When will we all ever learn to be sympathetic and supportive without being judgemental? Why do we as humans or maybe just Sporeans have to pinpoint something or someone to take the blame? Why can't we just accept that it happened and try to remedy the situation? Yes i'm not saying we don't have to find out the cause but why all the accusations? The doctor said it's probably due to my immune system being too strong thus the reaction (rashes). Over some time as our system weakens the flare-ups will reduce too.

And by the way.. who in the world wouldn't wanna sleep if he/she can? Certainly not me! And i keep telling you i can't! Why wouldn't you listen? It's not as if i haven't tried staying home and counting sheeps and drinking milk and taking melatonin and all that nonsense. I just can't. And i get super frustrated TRYING to sleep when i can't. I sleep very well out-station though and i'm trying to get more sleep nowadays instead of waking up and going to lunch or dinner with the crew if i can help it.

I know you're gonna tell me i should exercise more etc again. Who with? I don't like to go gym and i hate running. You should know that. Sigh whatever. It's come to a point whereby i dunno what to say to you. All you ever tell me is sleep more, don't go out till so late, don't party so much, don't drink too much. And it becomes like a looping tape. I know you're concerned. But yup.. that's pretty much all you can be.

Today after lunch i was craving for dessert esp cake. So i bought Beard Papa (i rediscovered my love for BP cream puffs in BNE!) and Grace wanted to buy too cos they looked so yummy. Then i proceeded to Rive Gauche cakes and i wanted to try the Guanaja. It looked so good that Grace was tempted to. In fact i think all Rive Gauche cakes looked good and i didn't know what to have. Was contemplating buying an assortment home for my family too.

Then my phone rang. I didnt know what to say. I wanted to go pick him up from the airport. I even planned to do so. Then.. i realised it's bout usually the time she gets off so... Wouldn't make sense for me to go. So we planned to go home sleep, which was unusual for me but it was cos the medication made me really drowsy. Anyway we talked for a bit then while i was on the phone I asked Grace to get our Orange julius and go.

When i got off the phone she immediately said that I'm unhappy. So much so that i forgot bout my cakes. Then i realised.. yeah. I actually left w/o getting any. And now my Beard Papa is still sitting in the fridge. No mood anymore.

Searching for my foundation course notes now. Only found 2 out of the 4 sets we're supposed to bring. I dunno whether to bring not. =p He's my ward leader so have to give him some face. But it's so heavy!! And too big to stash into my bag. Sigh.. how...

I shall eat my dessert and pack my bag a little and take the meds hopefully it'll make me sleep.

Self-realisation

2008-07-19T06:22:00.002+08:00

Talking to Christopher in the car just now made me realise a lot of things bout myself. In the first place, Ive never said so many sentences to him before! Wahahaha.. But well.. be it he was trying to impress me or whatever, he sounded logical and reeasonable. Much unlike his cool persona.

I realised... actually i don't think i'm a very demanding person when it comes to my partner. I just need you to love me. Cos with love comes respect. Comes consideration. And loads of other stuff.

and i believe that a lot of things in life are reflectve. They are reciprocal. Or it just so happens that... I'm the kind of person that.. If u're nice to me i'll be 2X as nice back. But if u're not nice to me then why should i bother?

I'm not looking to settle down as in get married and have kids. I feel very restless. Don't feel like gg to work.. don't feel like doing anything. I feel as if my life's very stagnant. Like its never gonna take off. Like i'll never find a focal point in my life. I'm merely existing, not living.

Sometimes i wish i could find someone I can share my life with. We don't necessarily have to end up getting married. As long as we know what each other wants... each other expects and don't step out of the boundary. U still have the space to do what you want.. what you like. Just keep in mind the other person waiting for you and things will all fall in place.

Is it that difficult? Well it doesn sound difficult i guess.

Allergy

2008-07-17T16:49:00.002+08:00

Well after mj on mon night i tossed and turned and just couldn't sleep. Bout 7.30am i realised it's cos i've broken out in huge patches all over my body! Again... Sigh. It's been happening a couple of times and i really wonder what caused it. Daddy said it's 'hong mok' whatever that is.

Anyway i eventually got to sleep and when i woke up i looked okie so i went for bne. After touchdown i napped as usual and when i woke up for lunch there it was again! So made an appt to see the doc in bne and concierge gave me the wrong address! Thankfully i asked around and cos I used to do bne quite often with EK i eventually found the place.

Now that i'm home.. My nose suddenly decided to bleed for no reason. Now my table's covered with bloody tissues and it just keeps dripping through the tissues! Sigh...

And my luck with men must be at an all time low. Malaysian indian! Oh my gawd. Sigh...

不想懂得

2008-07-14T17:26:00.003+08:00

当世界不知不觉的变了
有时候我怀念以前的我
作的梦虽然远远的
想像是一种快乐

拥有了同时也失去什么
而眷恋原来会带来软弱
你让我在雾里成熟
心开始曲折

我不想舍得不想懂得
是谁惹谁言不由衷
说谎伤害都是不安犯的错
怕抱不紧什么

我不想舍得不想懂得
谁说割爱才更深刻
彼此依赖是爱不是负荷
互相照顾就是幸福的

当世界不知不觉的变了
有时候我怀念以前的我
作的梦虽然远远的
想像是一种快乐

拥有了同时也失去什么
而眷恋原来会带来软弱
你让我在雾里成熟
心开始曲折

我不想舍得不想懂得
是谁惹谁言不由衷
说谎伤害都是不安犯的错
怕抱不紧什么

我不想舍得不想懂得
谁说割爱才更深刻
彼此依赖是爱不是负荷
能握着手就是感动的

我愿意一秒钟放弃全宇宙
只在只有我们紧靠着的小星球

Complexities of Life and Love

2008-07-14T16:59:00.002+08:00

Have you ever wondered.. Or has it ever happened to you.. Why do people not want you and yet do not wanna let go? Or more specifically.. why do all these guys not wanna be with me and yet do not wanna let me go???

It's so frustrating when this person goes around telling people you're his gf. Then all the guys avoid you like the plague. And the actual fact is that he doesn't even treat you like a close friend. Then when you want him to un-tell everyone he doesn't do it. Then u ask him if he seriously wants to be together he tells you to take things slowly. I'm not even interested in the first place. I'm pissed cos hey u're ruining my good name aren't u? Well and my chances as well wahahaha.

Then there's this other one. Sigh... I dunno wat to say, do or make of him. U say u want me, love me but there's another more important person. Yet day in day out i have to reassure you that it's you i want and love. How many times do you want me to do it? How can you want the best for me, want me to be happy and yet... I dunno wat to say really. You cannot be with me but you can't let me go. You cannot give me what I want but you want me beside you.

Every single night i'm alone but you're not. And then you'll turn around and tell me you should let me find my own happiness. And then i'll have to reassure you again. I'm tired. Really. It's kinda like... I have to give in to you all the time. Make you feel secure etc. But what do I get in return?

Anyway men are all the same. It gets even more ironic when a player tries to warn me off another player. Haha.. I didn't know whether to laugh or scoff. And I dunno whether to laugh or cry when a guy asks me out and then claims that we met there by chance cos he's afraid of the repercussions or rather the wrath of that first person. And i was so pissed when that first person told me this pilot went around exclaiming that i asked him out when i was just politely returning his call and I was with my gfs and he joined us. Arghhhhhh men!

Egoistic, obnoxious, self-centred, swanky bastards! Okok just those that i've had the bad fortune to meet!

Well i've already gotten rid of the withered flowers, dried flowers, potpourri, pictures of still flowers in my room. Someone should share another tip with me!

It's Amazing...

2008-07-11T19:11:00.003+08:00

How I have to sit on my cargo bag every last sector on SQ2. Amazing. And in particular, this time i didn't think I bought much but well I had to top up again. Maxed out the allowance, my topup and ifa. And we got 2.5 times up and down somemore. I'm the best!

I bought.. 1 Kate Spade bag for mommy, 1 clutch for myself (yay!), 2 tops from Guess, 1 from Bebe, 1 from Ted Baker, nail stuff from Beautyland, 3 dresses, 1 skirt and a bag from Argyle Centre (for friends), 3 tops and 1 pants from H&M, jeans from Old Navy... Hmm that's about it i think. Funnie... where did my money go??? =p

Half of SFO was on sale but well nothing much to shout about. The whole of HKG was on sale and it was serious. Well people were buying Gucci by the truckload and the entire store looks like some kinda pasar malam (night market) place. I hate it when the environment becomes like that. Makes me feel very vexed and I don't bother digging thru the piles.

Luckily my shopping mood passed. Otherwise I think i could have blown my entire bonus in HKG. Who am I kidding? I ALREADY blew my bonus.. =p Anyway.. SQ2 is pure evil. I have to think thrice before i do it again!! But i met some really nice gals this flight. I have pictures! Even though i forgot my camera.

Kate, Tianyi, Rhoda and Me

Forced to take a crabby pic!

Me and all our food. Yummy!!

A&F

2008-07-07T22:24:00.002+08:00

In SFO now. Clear day morning. Am starving but i dunno if the gals are awake. The gals on this flt are all younger than me! I really feel old. But they're all sweet and nice. Well the locals actually...

We went Fishermen's Wharf yesterday and had Bubba Gump. My first sightseeing of sorts in SFO. Usually am too busy shopping =p But somehow this trip is disappointing. Not much nice items even though there's sale everywhere. Hmmm maybe that's y. Even my Old Navy jeans were out and i had to get a longer pair.

Sleeping is a pain as usual and i'm tired most of the time. Plus the shopping it's quite a great distraction. N the girls of cos. Which is good. I know i'm supposed to think bout us but... It's just too painful. Whenever i think bout it like... now.

When i went into A&F the whole place smells of Fierce. Which reminded me of you. Shyan asked me to buy polo tees for him. They had some but they look like the ones i've bought for him previously. Then i saw the one you like to wear. I like u wearing it too. The white with thin pink stripes one. It was the last piece and the exact size. M. Which is quite rare since it's on sale.

I was torn over whether to buy it. I don't wanna buy it for someone else to wear esp when i love seeing u in it. Really hit me very hard. So i was just stoning in the chair, thinking bout us, missing you and scolding myself while waiting for the gals. Then someone squatted beside my armchair and said the following with a really American twang to it.

Him: Iknowthissoundsweirdbutican'thelpasking. Idon'tnormallydthisbutcanigettoknowyou?
Me: *blinks* I'm sorrie come again?
Him: Oh I was just saying I think you're kinda cute so.. Can i get your number?
Me: *blinks blinks* I'm not from around here.
Him: Oh.. (turns and runs)

Wahahaha it was over before I could even comprehend what was going on. I think he's from A&F cos I saw this walkie talkie in his hands while he was rattling his lines. I was still stoned and went back to thinking bout him till the gals came back.

If only you're with me now... =0(

How???

2008-07-03T22:08:00.003+08:00

Really dunno what to do. Or rather I know what will happen if i take path A, path B, path C.. But i dunno if i can take it.

I dunno if u'll be able to take my nonsense if we continue. I dunno if u'll get fed up of all this and still leave eventually. I'm scared of the day you tell me u're having your customary. Scared of the day you tell me your house is ready. Scared of the day you tell me she's pregnant.

I dunno if the time apart that u're suggesting will make you miss me more. Or it'll make you realise you can actually do without me. After all.. before we met we were doing fine individually. There're a lot of things that I dunno. That i will never know..

I'm terrified. Of losing you. Of losing myself.

Nailing My Own Coffin

2008-07-02T15:54:00.004+08:00

Edited: I've taken down the photos. Only becos i don't wanna get you into trouble. I promised i would never make things difficult for you or harm you in any way.

This is about the last thing i can do for you.

MC

2008-07-02T15:18:00.002+08:00

Yup once again it's cos of a guy. Well technically it's cos of swollen eyes. But u noe what i mean..

I promised myself and you that I will tell u whatever's bothering me. I knew that if i said it this would happen. So in the afternoon I held back. I'm glad i still did it eventually. Cos i now noe a lot more bout u and how u view things and me.

I guess it'll happen sooner or later. Some things u said really hurt. Maybe I took it the wrong way, maybe it's not what u meant. But still... I think i've already said almost everything I want to. Those that i didn't i guess there's no point now also.

U ask me y is it after every flt, outing, party we'll end up like this. Cos it's a rollercoaster. We're the rollercoaster. What goes up must come down. No matter whether u believe it or not i'm very happy with u. Which is why i wait and wait for ur calls and smses. I drop everything just to spend time with u. I've never said no to u.

I just want you to remember. I want myself to remember. That even if given a chance... or a choice... U still wouldn't choose me. That is why we parted. It's not becos i dont love you, not becos there's someone else. But simply becos no matter how much u claim u love me, how much u miss me, how much u want me, there's always someone else more impt.

It's not an obligation or responsibility that you hold towards her. That was my mistake for assuming. U have CHOSEN her. So i hope u stay true to your choice.

You still remain the 1 person i've loved since you-know-who. Ive given him up for you. Given up the fairytale ending I was always hoping would happen for 6 yrs. And I will tell you this.

I believe it's worth it. You're worth it. I still love u. It's not gonna change for sometime. But sthg has to. So i have to.

原来

2008-07-01T19:41:00.002+08:00

I always thought she's the one who cannot do without you. Which is why despite everything she waited and forgave and eventually she made it.

When you said she WILL leave. Something broke inside me. It's not the same anymore.

原来是你离不开她.

So where does that leave me?

Late!

2008-07-01T05:12:00.001+08:00

Alarm didn't go off and I was nearly late! Or maybe i didn't hear it. Luckily i woke up with 1 hr to go. And here i am still blogging. Not bad eh...

I just wanna say that I miss you terribly now. Terribly cos.. i'm having doubts again. =0(

End of Leave

2008-06-19T20:18:00.002+08:00

Yeah.. leave's ended. Sigh.. Got the post-leave blues. Didn't feel like working. It's a cyclical thing with me i guess. The i-don't-wanna-work phase, then the eating-a-lot phase, followed by the shopping-a-lot, then buying-LVs, and then comes working-hard-to-pay-my-credit-card-bills. Hahaha...

Anyway CGK n/s then 308 tmrw. It was good.. Did my usual spa and hair spa. Tried chocolate spa this time. Not bad. Haven't been to London in a while. Gonna buy all my M&S cookies! And yeah of cos Primark wahaha. Ermmm did i say no more shopping? =p

I think i've been clubbing too much. =p Yesterday was Wed so while I was in CGK i got lots of W-R-U msgs asking me to drink. Hahaha... I have alcoholic friends i suppose. =p

Aiai was so sweet to accompany me for movie and DF the last night of my leave. I had a good time seriously. Talking (a little) on the swing... Her beating me flat at drinking games. It's a trend recently. I keep losing. Well i don't complain cos i wanna drink anyway but somehow i feel that i've gotten lousier at the games =p I love you ai. ;)

Need to pack my bag and sleep early. No joke man tmrw. Sigh...

Well he did sms ask where i am yesterday. I just replied cgk then no more texts. I was online whole morning n i think he left his comp on. When i went out to buy lunch he went offline so i suppose that indicates he's awake but nope. Nothing yet. Oh well.. Like i said. Holiday over so this little episode should be buried too. Right?

Leave and Clubbing

2008-06-14T18:20:00.003+08:00

I cannot remember the last time i clubbed so much. Sunday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday! Tonight is Saturday. Hmmm... No kaki so far and well i'm psyching myself for a quiet night at home.

Had enough of giving in to people who don't appreciate it but take it for granted. Hey not everyone is submissive and all okie! And anyway if you cut open my veins now i think u'll find Martell and green tea and champagne instead of blood. =p

This is boring.

p/s: i finally bought sthg this GSS. Bras from La Senza! The one i really liked was discontinued. Boohoo!! And my highest ever pair of heels from Guess. It makes me REALLY REALLY tall. Almost 180. Wahahaha

345

2008-06-12T20:36:00.002+08:00

U know how sometimes.. The harder you try to forget something, the more you try and pretend it's not there, the more omni-present it becomes??

I know you're trying to let me know that I'm not forgotten. I appreciate it. But it makes me miss you even more. Can't even pretend it doesn't affect me.

I actually checked the crew on the 38. Joy Ho is on it! I'm pretty surprised.. She should be like 1/2 yr ahead of me max and she's trained! I hope I get trained soon too. Well ater the jc99. Then again i would be back at STC pretty often then. JC99, 300ER, 345.

I'm bored. I think i'm weird. Whenever I go on leave i'm sian. I guess it's cos i really don't have a life... No one to go on holiday tog also.

=0(

A Letter To You

2008-06-11T01:00:00.005+08:00

How and where should I start?

I'm not unhappy. In fact i'm very happy. SO much it scares me. And precisely why I feel even more upset when I'm alone. I know this would not amount to anything. Which is why i asked you why u cannot leave. Cos if and when I know.. I will accept it.

I feel quite sure my guess was pretty accurate. There're a lot of details about ur life that I dunno about. Which i guess i will never know. And i will never get a chance to. And simply based on that.. I will never be able to share your life like she can.

The younger me would have screamed that it's unfair. But now.. there's nothing fair or not. That's not the point. Becos you're not letting me. It'll only be fair if u give me the chance to. But you don't and u never will. I can't understand why. So i just have to accept it on blind faith.

It's true you know. That I've not said those 3 words to anyone for a long time. Shyan and I broke up partially cos of it too. I never did say it to u too. But at least i wrote it. And it scares me. Which is why nowadays i constantly ask what if i can't leave you.

It's like i've mentally adjusted to it. Like how I so wanna tell you i found a flight for us to do together after 1 night of scrolling thru COF board. How i wanna tell you i sms for my sq12 too. How i wanna ask if ur new niece is cute. How i cannot tell you why is it i always ignore you when u talk bout ur niece.

I dunno who to pou out all these to. i know what people will tell me or say if i do. Which is what u've said to me. I know all of it. I know the reality better than you can paint for me. Becos... it's me. Becos i feel the pain and sadness more than what I've been telling you. More than what Im willing to tell you.

I don't mean to make you feel guilty. I won't make things difficult for you also. And I know it'll only get harder to let go. And i know u're always thinking bout what's best for me. I just need you to be honest with me that's all. No matter how much the truth hurts. It's always better..

I know you want me to be happy. But you never let me finish what I was saying. There're many different kinds of happiness. It's just what kind we're after isn't it? Like i said.. I always feel that I'm kinda like an escape for you. Like how you might need a holiday after working hard. But ater that holiday you would go back to your life. And that doesn't include me. SO I just have to wait till the next time you wanna go on holiday again.

We both know what we're in for. I don't blame you. Seriously. Cos i take responsibility for putting myself in this situation too. Basically i have 2 choices now. I can be happy now.. and VERY sad later on when it has to stop. Or i can be sad now and hopefully happy later. I choose the former. Becos i'm sick of doing what's good for me. I wanna do what makes me happy. Even if it makes me as sad conversely. Do you understand?

I'm sorrie but the tantrums and breakdowns come as part of the package cos.. like i said i have feelings too. And it stems from not getting what i really want. U asked me that today. You should know what would make me the happiest. But like i said. I guess thats not possible. So i just have to settle for second best right? =0)

I've been thinking bout how long this can last too. And being the very smart person that i sometimes am, i would say till ur place is ready. Cos then it would be quite difficult. Do you know what the hardest thing is? The fact that i cannot call/sms/reach you as and when i like or need. And that... you're most definitely snoring now even without me.

That's the most bitter pill to swallow.

我讨厌冬天的风
冷的那么刺痛
只有你能够抚平所有的寂寞

昨天的风筝在角落
被谁丢到了路口
我很不想让你找到离开的理由

每一夜闭上眼睛
我看到了噩梦
你微笑但是旁边的人不是我

天空切开一道裂缝
直接割到我心中
不想装做脆弱
也不想爱的懦弱

其实我非常爱你
不想失去你
难道我没有权利
说我不愿意
你给了他的吻虽然只有余温
可知道我多渴望抓住你的心

我知道他很爱你
你怕他伤心
我每天假装开心害怕你离去
可不可以任性求求你不要去
藏在我心里最后一句
其实还爱你

可不可以任性求求你不要去
藏在我心里最后一句
其实还爱你

Frankfurt, LVs and Beijing

2008-06-11T00:49:00.003+08:00

I never did blog bout my FRA trip. There's a clamp-down bout blogging bout the company so yeah u-know-what. Well typical FRA... U know. I made 14 cup noodles by myself though. Record breaking right?

Anyway i bought 2 LVs. The new Galleira (spelling??) and a pochette i can use as a dinner bag and also comes with a sling strap. Pretty versatile. Cost me 1125 euros though. =p And i bought another Longchamp for mommy which she complained about AGAIN. Sigh.. U just can't be nice enough rite..

Anyway I was looking forward to a long break but well he got called up so i changed flight last min. Rushed down to do a manual cof somemore. Was worth it. It's always worth it. You. Quite a happy trip.. Got to know another fss. I keep calling her Christina cos she reminds me of Chris so much. Well mainly cos she hanged out with us and was totally oblivious till we became very obvious haha.

Was my first trip to PEK. Didn't do any sightsee-ing though he offered to bring us. No shopping either cos i was thinking bout my 4XXX credit card bill. =o( Didn't spend a cent during this trip cos he paid for everything. So sweet.. =0) We went for lunch, massage, funny dinner and slept. Too bad it was so short.

Everyone was nice. Light load back so IFS deployed me to jcl to learn. Well he was J2 all the way. Later on the jcl crew realised it. They caught on much faster than Gladis though hehe. Ironically, crew on short flights are always so nice. Pity.

It didn't end very well though Had one of those episodes just before bed. Sigh.. More bout that later. Chris came to pick me. Which was a shock. Dunno. Am numb.

Sick

2008-06-01T12:00:00.004+08:00

Dunno if it's the KIX hotel but i'm sick. I had diarrhea while i was there. So did my LSS and JSS. Anyway the room was so dry that i drank 2/3 bottle of milk tea and still ended with a very sore throat. Hey... milk tea is fluid too yeah!

Anyway.. went crazy shopping in KIX. Finally bought my Mikimoto pen. Though it's kinda cumbersome cos it's difficult to stash into my top and when anyone wants to borrow a pen i have to find another company pen wahahha. Bought another one for Mommy too and kena hiam! She said aiyah i wanted you to buy me sthg else. Fainted! Why can't people just accept gifts with a so-sweet-thank-you???

Oh well i figured I deserved a treat cos i've been working so hard! I was calculating yesterday. I think my total take home this month is.... wahahaha. But am so afraid i'll blow it all at you-know-where in FRA! Oh god...

Anyway I worked as C4 on the way up. EY super light load and i had to work jcl. Sigh.. but it was a good experience. Learnt a lot. And my JSS even photocopied her seat plan for me! So swwwwweeeett!!! So the climax was.. when i walked out of the gate and past the holding room, we saw the outgoing crew.

And there he was. I immediately walked away and hid behind my gs. And my gs happily shifted away and i saw HER with him. My goodness.. how do they do it? They can actually change to do EVERY flt tog! I can't even do one! Anyway then i asked another fss to stand in front of me again. It was quite a rude shock though she hasn't said anything on her blog. Well maybe to prove that i'm not worth mentioning or sthg but it affected my mood for bout... 2 hrs. Hehe..

Yesterday I was watching this show on tv (i haven't watched tv in ages!) and Louis Koo was on it. He was grappling with this beautiful, attractive gal or this simple, considerate one. Okie this would sound crap to you but he said sthg towards the end that made me tear.

这个世界有很多人可以让你心跳加速
但是那种感觉不行持久
有一天你会发现你对她没了感觉

只有那个每天默默陪在你身边的
才是永恒

Translated into English it simply means that in this world we might meet many people that can cause us feelings of excitement or rather what we loosely term as sparks or chemistry. But that feeling will not last long. One day you will realise that you've lost that initial euphoria. Only the one who has been beside you, through your ups and downs, the one who has been supportive all the while, that lasts for eternity.

Does it still hold true?

What Do I Have To Do

2008-05-29T00:02:00.002+08:00

Somehow i always feel as if i'm like the lowest priority on people's list. I like to think that I treat all my friends pretty well. But more and more i find that people just take me for granted. They only start contacting me when they need something.

Same goes with you. When you sms me at 2345 to go club and i have to wake up at 0430 and i still say yes, don't you see how much i wanna see u? What does it take to make you see that? That i'm willing to do anything and everything for you? That i'm sacrificing a lot to gain any little bit of time that you have for me?

And you think that i just keep throwing tantrums. Cos.. it's desperation and exasperation behind it. And the sinking feeling.. the knowing that it is just a facade.. a bubble that i'm unwilling to burst. An illusion that will dissolve at the slightest chance.

Why do i have to sink so low? What does it take to make someone care?

Me, A Slut

2008-05-26T01:15:00.002+08:00

Yup.. apparantly that's what someone thought of me. And u know something? I thought i'd care and be real upset bout it. But the fact was that I didn't. I accepted it. only question I asked was: When men go for variety they're Cassanovas. When women go looking why are they sluts?

Been thinking bout it. I don't believe in love anymore. I don't believe that anyone loves me enough to withstand my nonsense. That the people u love the most always have the ability to hurt u the most too.

And that humans are always selfish. They already have someone but they want u to be faithful to them. WTF? Or people sit on their moral high horses and judge you becos they never had the chance to live the life u're having. Or they're simply too afraid to. So they hide behind this shield of propriety.

So for the last time:

I am single.
I am passably presentable (haha)
I'm not looking for love.
I crave instant gratification.
I believe that a lot of temporary happiness creates an almost permanent situation.
I feel that i wanna settle down but i'm restless.
I believe that you never know till u try.
And most importantly, it's my life.

So if all that amounts to being a slut then yes I am one. Amen.

Hard At Work

2008-05-25T21:12:00.002+08:00

Been working non-stop lately. Well partly in an effort to curb my spending spree and also well.. to avoid staying in Spore and feeling lonely and doing stoopid things. But then again, i realise i do stoppid things out-station anyway!

I always tend to sleep better out-station. I don't know why though. Maybe it's the comfy sheets and pillows. Maybe it's the whole away from home and worries feeling. But i still can't shake off the loneliness.

This last NRT-LAX i met another player again. Yeah like wat's new right. But this one really knocked my socks off. With his boldness! He like touched every single one of us everywhere! He even took my pen from you-know-where-we-stick-it himself! Okie he's a LS and he's housemates with the IFS but still...

But i noticed that he didn't do anything much in front of the IFS. Anyway the IFS has a 24 yr old fss girlfriend! Can u imagine... Anyway yeah i did stoopid things again. The fss that wanted me to top 600 bucks.. in the end we ended up being real chummy. Everyone said we couple-code wahaha.

Moral of the story: I attract all the wrong people. I act stoopid when i'm lonely. I do crazy things when i'm high. Enough said.

I still read her blog from time to time. Lotsa pics as usual and funnily.. i think it's boring. The blog i mean. It's just pictures and pictures of her in every position imaginable. Well not really cos it looks like she only takes pictures one-directional. When i see pics of him i don't feel anything anymore. Which is good i guess. No bitterness, no nothing. Which means not even the happy memories. Cos i'm starting to question the reality of it all.

Anyway the LS was telling me bout his divorce, bout loving and being rejected, bout not opening his heart up anymore. He sounded a lot like the old Chris. And i wonder how much of it is real. The old Irene would have lapped it up. WOuld have wanted to help him believe in love. But the Irene now cannot even help herself.

I've had enough of shoppng, enough of spending, enough of sleeping, of caring, of listening, of waiting, enough of whining, of everything. I feel so lousy. I wanna settle down but i know i'm restless. I don't wanna hurt anyone anymore.

So will all of you stop hurting me?

COF

2008-05-13T17:00:00.002+08:00

OMG i just feel like tearing my hair out sigh.

Have finally settled my auh thingy. I hope. I've agreed to the COF and topup and i really hope it goes through. But i'm really sad that I won't be able to do CHC. It would be so much fun plus sky diving.

Did i really make the wrong choice? But that gal refuses to confirm with me sigh. I'm afraid at the end of the day i'm gonna end up with nothing. And this SQ12 deal is too good to pass. Am just afraid i'll be tired. AND overspend again.

Am seriously beginning to regret. How... =0(

张惠妹-如果你也听说

2008-05-12T22:15:00.006+08:00

突然发现站了好久
不知道要往哪走
还不想回家的我
再多人陪只会更寂寞

许多话题关于我
就连我也有听过
我的快乐要被认可
委屈却没有人诉说

夜半信仰丛白剥落
拿掉防卫剩下什么
为什么脆弱时候
想你更多

如果你也听说
有没有想过我
想普通交朋友
还是你依然会心疼我

好多好多的话想对你说
悬着一颗心没着落
要怎么附和
舍不得又无可奈何

如果你也听说
会不会相信我
对流言会附和
还是你知道我还是我

跌跌撞撞才明白了许多
懂我的人就你一个
想到你想起我
胸口依然温柔

许多话题关于我
就连我也有听过
我想我宁可都沉默
其实反而显得做作

夜半信仰丛白剥落
拿掉防卫剩下什么
为什么脆弱时候
想你更多

如果你也听说
有没有想过我
想普通交朋友
还是你依然会心疼我

好多好多的话想对你说
悬着一颗心没着落
要怎么附和
舍不得要无可奈何

如果你也听说
会不会相信我
对流言会附和
还是你知道我还是我

跌跌撞撞才明白了许多
懂我的人就你一个
想到你想起我
胸口依然温柔

如果你也听说
有没有想过我
想普通交朋友
还是你依然会心疼我

跌跌撞撞才明白了许多
冷漠的人就你一个
想到你想起我
胸口依然温柔
如果你想起我
你会想到什么

Long Break

2008-05-12T22:15:00.005+08:00

This is such a long break for me. Somehow I always don't feel like going back to work after some time away. Okie even though I always maintain it's not really like 'work' work.

I went wakeboarding on Sunday after a 2 yr hiatus! When a national wakeboarder and the boatman both say my riding's okie I think i'm really okie! Haha.. i'm not good lah but i'm not that bad i guess. =0)

Jo went first then me. I kept falling! I seriously dunno why. I keep failing to stand but when I do i'm okay. It's the standing part that always has me hesitating. And when you lose the momentum and try to make up for it you fall harder. Kinda like life isn;t it? My life anyway.

Watched Ironman with Jo and Keith Sat night then DF again. Alex came later with Francis. I think i should start avoiding him. No more crew meal! No no no! Sometimes i really admire Jo. She has no lack of men around her. Okie she says the same bout me but.. Why do I always fall harder? She's smarter. She just lets go of the handle.

Went for KLunch today. My first time! With crew from my ATH. Was quite fun though I sang horribly. Just cannot get the key! ANyway the lunch sucked but well it was cheap. Michelle sang this song on my blog now. I think i heard it somewhere before but... when it was playing i thought bout YOU.

Reminded me of that time at ktv. I think i'm such a sadist you know? I like to push myself and the ones that I love. And even if i know it's gonna end badly, even though i know it's gonna hurt me in the end, i still do it. It's just this illogical side of me that like to sabotage myself.

It's like you tell me the pot is hot. If you touch it now you'll burn yourself. And this stoopid girl will tell you maybe it's cooled somewhat. That's the hopeful side. The other side will tell you 5 or 10 minutes later it'll still be hot. If i have to move it somewhere I'd rather hurt now than later. Stoopid.

Not a very good analogy but you know what I mean. Pig-headed. I'm always in such a state of confusion I bury myself in trival things to make the hours.. the days pass faster. But.. i never learn from my mistakes. And i like to wallow in self-pity when I'm alone. That's not good.

Someone once told me I'm recycling my negativity. But.. most people don't see me like that you know? Well cos most people don't know bout this blog! Only a handful.. like less than 5 definitely. And I can't think of anyone who reads this regularly. I think. Hahaha...

I need an outlet. I don't like complaining to people. As in yeah i bitch and then it's over. But the things that really bug me. The things that hurt... I don't like to talk about them. Jo asked me bout ADL. I just said it's over. Actually i never told anyone the story in its entirety.

I've been trying to change flight for the past 3 weeks with no success. Why is it so easy for others? I appreciate the effort really. SOmehow u managed to stop me from blowing and I actually felt guilty. I think... that's the most powerful weapon of all u know? Not tears, not anger.

Guilt.

Frenzied Thoughts

2008-05-10T08:45:00.003+08:00

My mind is such a whirlpool of thoughts now. It's on overdrive so much that I didn't sleep during crew rest and my eyes still big big after ATH.

Hahaha been so long since i had this kinda eyes bigbig feeling. I remember the last time was when I came back from FRA and met Aiai without sleep. She thinks i'm Superwoman. And ever since then I never had FRA!! And i have it again now after such a long time! Someone must have heard me complaining! Wahaha

Or someone really wants me to help Grace buy her wallet and bag hehe. Oh no.. my bank account is in trouble again. =p

Okie.. I'm high from lack of sleep.

What about a new handphone? Wait for iPhone N96? Settle for N82? Give Samsung another chance? How bout converting to Sony Ericsson? Eeeeewwwww.....

I love weddings and wedding photos. *pout* Jann and Jay's are very nice. Someone else is taking his tomorrow. When's mine gonna happen? =0(

不开心

The Right Thing

2008-05-06T11:31:00.002+08:00

Why is it always difficult to do the right thing?

Gonna delete everything. Should ask for Bob's number first? But.. who's gonna go play with me then? Sigh...

I hate it when YOU ALL always throw the ball into my court and make me make all the decisions just so you don't have to take responsibility for anything. So for once yes I'm gonna make the difficult decision and no more excuses that I didn't have a choice.

It stops now.

第三者

2008-05-05T22:29:00.003+08:00

Once upon a time, when I was still young, naive and much more hopeful than I am now, I always thought that love, by itself, in itself is enough to conquer all odds. If i love you i'm willing to do anything for you. I'll be accomodating, patient, understanding, loving, caring and the whole works. And vice versa.

Then as I got a bit older, that illusion became a little smaller. Cos there came along jealousy, unpredictability, infidelity, selfishness, hot-temperedness and a wide variety of other problems. The question became one of: Do you love him enough?

More wrinkles around my eyes later, that smaller illusion evolved into a bubble that I don't wanna burst. Somehow, I don't wanna face reality. I don't wanna think about the possibility of you leaving. I ignore the truth that you're not and won't be mine. Live for the moment, I consoled myself.

End of the day, I'm still alone. I sleep alone at night. I don't have anyone to bring me to the doctor when i'm sick, much less get me a glass of water. No one to hug when I'm down and tell me everything's gonna be okay. Nobody to kiss my tears away.

As much as I keep lying to myself that I'm still young and I'm taking a break so this won't really harm, it does. It stings, hurts, bites and chews off more than I can afford really. It's not as if i'm under this illusion that things will change. Even IF they did I wouldn't know how to handle it. But i KNOW they won't.

I know it... when i'm sitting there... Pretending to be deep in thought... Doing my best not to overhear snippets of your lives together... And just.. simply trying to hold myself together.

I think it's about time.

JNB 01May

2008-05-04T22:21:00.002+08:00

Am back from JNB. Activated myself on thursday. Luckily i checked before going out to meet Grace cos i just had this feeling they'll sabo me and gimme an early reporting flight! I was right!

Thini was on the same flight and it was fun! Crew were nice and I flew with 1 of the Capt to CPT bout several weeks ago? So spent 2 nights drinking in the Capt's room, watching The Eye and playing games. Thini wasn't feeling too good and didn't drink at all! Bummer...

Second night another set of crew joined us and we played drinking games. Cards and dices. Fwahhhh was so horrid 1 gal fell asleep in the toilet. I puked too! But well didn't embarass myself. My partner abandoned me though and i had to dink by myself. Lemme just say that whiskey + red wine + berry cooler is NOT a nice concoction!

It was a fun trip. I didn't go for safari with them cos I went before already. Hung around with the tech crew cos they were game to try all the restaurants that i wanted to eat at. And they paid for everything, which i was quite paiseh about. Should have gone safari again though cos they went to a flea market and got those giraffe statues which were really cool! Speaking of cool... I flew with this gal whom.. reminds me a lot of Karen. And she speaks with her tongue perpetually rolled. What's with the accent man... And the most amazing thing? When i asked her she knew exactly which Karen I was referring to.

Which leads me to something else. Jeremy asked me today if there's a try-er onboard and i went like huh?? He thought the particular guy he was talking about would try 1 of the gals. I was stunned. 1st of all how did he know who's onboard. 2nd, apparantly he's asking on behalf on his gal-pal who has a thing or rather had a thing with this guy. I'm confused! I'm beginning to get scared. I always thought this is such a big group of crew we're talking about but somehow someone always seems to know someone. Scary...

Anyway my PC crashed and I'm typing on my teeny weeny lappie. Lotsa typos.. killing me =p Oh and when i was drunk, as usual i 'chu pattern' again haha. And the worst part is i don't remember! My god.. nowadays when i drink too much it's as if my brain just shuts down. Dangerous... But well at least i get myself back in 1 piece.

Went to do my nails again. Not very satisfied but ah sigh whatever. No pics cos my hp is U/S!!! Should i repair it or get a new one?? Sentimental value lei.. albeit not very happy ones. I took many many pics with this phone. Though i deleted them all but...

Oh.. me and Grace are such bobos! We forgot to bring our uniforms along and Grace didn't print her UR slip properly so tmrw morning we have to go do and do it again! Haha.. Anyway.. apparantly there're new condos along Siglap. Shall go check out the webbie now.

2 years.

Uniform Requisition

2008-04-30T10:52:00.002+08:00

Hmmm supposed to meet Grace at 10.30 but been calling her but she's MIA! Put off measuring uniform for her cos we wanna do it together but oh well still no luck. Only 1 slot today so gotta go down and see how. If she doesn't wake up soon i'll have to go down by myself then. Haven't collected my shoes and ordered the sandals yet too! Arghhhhh...

This morning i thought something was wrong with my hp. I smsed but no reply. Called but never pick up. And the worse part was when i plugged in the charger the hp didn't charge. Sigh.. and I changed many many sockets. I guess it's time to change phones. Butbut am damn broke actually sigh. Dunno what phone to get also... But i have this feeling that I'll prolly get it today haha.

Was just thinking as I was washing up... it's been more than 2 weeks and i guess the dust has pretty much settled. Sometimes I still have the urge to pick up my phone and ask if he's doing alright. But i'm scared. Of the rebuff. Of the suspicion of why i'm doing what i'm doing. Of the reality that he will ignore me.

I gather they're still together. I dunno if her current personal quote is aimed at me but it sure doesn't sound good. Sometimes I wonder where all these people get their confidence from? Haha. I mean okie i don't have low self-esteem but some people just don't have much to be swanky about? U know what i mean?

Actually.. a large part of why I deferred my leave was cos I know he's on leave too. I was planning on diving but well. So i have to be away. Anyway I sleep well nowadays when I work. When i'm tired from exercising. So.. I just have to keep moving i guess. =0)

Grace where are you????

Standby

2008-04-29T22:28:00.003+08:00

I hate being on standby. The toto feeling is worse than waiting for roster! And I will wanna stay home to cheat and peek through Aircrews instead wahaha.

Just did MNL turn. Haven't done that in a long time. As suay as ever but luckily my crew were all nice. =0) Flew with Marc again after all this time. He still remember the Harris incident! Lol...

I so wanna do Tpe-Lax after seeing Niki in the briefing room again this morning. She still remembers me and happily informed me she's going tpe. Haha.. I love Tpe. Not only cos of the station but cos of the significance it holds for me. And esp Sq28. SO sad they're gonna stop it in October. =0(

I must change for another Sq28 before that happens and hopefully it'll go according to plan. =0)

誠實地想你 - 郭采潔

2008-04-28T20:13:00.006+08:00

世界忽然變型　忽然很安靜
無助的我ㄧ秒間　失去重心
聽你不停為我擔心　看你不停離我而去
你　要我照顧自己

是我做了什麼　讓天使生氣
還是忘了做什麼　幸福遠離
也許該要真的相信　有種愛較遠遠關心
痛　卻又哽住呼吸

我　用狂奔　用無力　用惡夢　去想你
我討厭命運驕傲的神情
嘲笑我沒半點權利決定

我　用痛苦　用回憶　用深愛　去想你
去體會什麼是迫不得已
越懂才越有勇氣　誠實地想你

是我做了什麼　讓天使生氣
還是忘了做什麼　幸福遠離
也許該要真的相信　有種愛較遠遠關心
痛　卻又哽住呼吸

我　用狂奔　用無力　用惡夢　去想你
我討厭命運驕傲的神情
嘲笑我沒半點權利決定

我　用痛苦　用回憶　用深愛　去想你
去體會什麼是迫不得已
越懂才越有勇氣　誠實地想你

是不是　擔心　我怕黑不敢前進
那顆　本來沒墬落的流星

我　用狂奔　用無力　用惡夢　去想你
我討厭命運驕傲的神情
嘲笑我沒半點權利決定

我　用痛苦　用回憶　用深愛　去想你
去體會什麼是迫不得已
越懂才越有勇氣　誠實地想你

Being Healthy

2008-04-28T19:56:00.002+08:00

I finally went blading again after so long. Cannot make it! So slow boy! N i still fell... once.

I like the feeling of being or trying to be healthy. I kinda sleep better too. After tennis i went for BNE and when i came back yesterday, I slept from 9+pm till 12 today! Haven't slept so long in a while. Felt really good to be sleeping...

When reality is there in front of you it's scary. Especially when i get breakouts and it takes too damn long to heal! I'm getting old!!!

On that note.. it's not that I don't wanna settle down. I can't find someone to. Yes i know i'm not getting any younger. Yes i know i look and seem high-maintenance but I'm not! And i'm glad YOU think i'm not too. Made a lot of difference to me. Somehow you always seem to be able to cut through any sign of pretence i put on, any strong front. Which is why i treasure you a lot. Thank you.

We both know where we stand and we don't have to make things so clear. I'm just really happy to have your company. But sometimes.. I dunno. I'm afraid i'm taking up too much of your time and effort. And.. I don't wanna make things difficult for you. Tough actually...

Oh well.. Carpe Diem. As long as we're happy...

Aching arms..

2008-04-25T16:57:00.002+08:00

Finally played tennis after 4 years this morning! Now my arms are killing me. How to close compartments later?? Hahaha...

But am happy. I haven't slept so soundly in.. i dunno.. months? And I haven't felt this relaxed and happy in months too. Had a great day yesterday at The Ultimate and then late lunch. The night didn't end too well but enjoyed myself this morning.

I keep telling myself not to get all giddy-headed again. And well the feeling's kinda different. AT least all the cards are on the table. And i conjure THAT mental image everytime I need some grounding.

I'm just grateful for the company. I know I still need to find something for myself. I'm not so sure I'll go out of my way trying. I need a break.

Thank you though. =0)

Cha-Ching!!

2008-04-23T21:30:00.000+08:00

I spent another 1k these 2 days.

I know I get bitten by the spending spree bug sometimes. But this is 1 time too long!!

Someone stop me please!

=0(

Me and My Bags

2008-04-23T05:12:00.003+08:00

I'm so so sooooooooo lemming for a Prada or Miumiu. Sigh.. Come to think of it, since my birthday last year when I bought my LV wallet I haven't bought anything else. And i know what u['re thinking!! But nope Longchamp doesn't count. =p

My wallet's disgustingly off-white already but it'll be too much to change it. Hor? *racks brain*

I love the Prada envelope clutch! I THINK it retails for 630 over here. Prolly bout 500 in FRA then? God.. I knew I don't get FRA for a reason. I think i'll blow my entire month's pay on the Miumiu coffer and Prada Nappa or enveleope clutch. Then again.. don't remember seeing Miumiu in FRA.

Did i mention i'm supposed to be saving up for my own place in 2 yrs? =o(

Bark Cafe

2008-04-22T21:39:00.005+08:00

I finally got to see my honey after so long!! She looks so blissful I could puke. Wahahaha just kidding. I am happy for her. Very happy in fact. Looking at all the pictures of her and her bf... ah sigh.

I satisfied my craving for chicken chop horfun too! And after that we picked Grace up and went to Bark Cafe where I had chicken wings again. God.. i need new uniforms! I took another photo which I really treasure but can't post.

1 month. =0)

Edited to add: Someone told me she saved more than 40K in 11 months. OMG!! Where did all my money go???????

Because I Care

2008-04-22T03:47:00.004+08:00

Somehow.. being at home.. alone.. at night is different from being away. I'm still alone.. still quiet at night but somehow I'm more impetuous.

I blocked my number and called him just now. Phone rang once and I hung up. In shock and in fear. I guess I dunno what I'm doing. A very stubborn part of me just doesn't want things to end so ugly. The other more logical part of me reckons I don't have a choice.

I still wonder if he's eating properly. If he's resting enough. If he still crazily give up all his off days. If he still injures himself during soccer. If anyone's taking care of him. If she's giving him a hard time. If she's taking care of him. If.....

再給我兩分鐘
讓我把記憶結成冰
別融化了眼淚
你妝都花了
要我怎麼記得

記得你叫我忘了吧
記得你叫我忘了吧
你說你會哭
不是因為在乎

Home

2008-04-21T23:09:00.002+08:00

I'm back.

It was good to be away. Wasn't that fantastic a flight but Vancouver was amazing. I love nature. Did i ever tell u that? I loved walking to Capilano Suspension Bridge, with the freezing cold wind in my face. Cleared my head a lot.

To my dearies that are worried bout me, i'm okie. Really. Maybe I really needed this utter humiliation to make myself quit and give up. Now i don't think about it anymore. I guess there's no point and nothing to think about also. It's as if my brain has automatically blocked out the whole episode. And this person.

Michelle from 904 was on the flight and we talked quite a bit. It was truly refreshing to have someone on the same level to talk to. It made me realise some things about myself that I've forgotten. That i'm not about the LVs and what to eat, where to party, who to mahjong with.

She reminded me of Alvin and how we used to talk about everything and nothing at all. She reminded me how it is to be intrigued by another person's past and experiences. After all we're who we are now because. She reminded me how to really talk and draw another person into conversation. I've been caught up with my own problems for too long.

Anyway I didn't bring my camera and i hope they keep to their promises to send me photos. Didn't go up to Whistler in the end. Next time prolly. Maybe the next YVR would be like 10 years later??

Shower time

WHat Hurts The Most

2008-04-14T19:04:00.004+08:00

I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house,
that don't bother me
I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out
I'm not afraid to cry
Every once in a while even though going on with you gone
still upsets me
There are days every now and again
I pretend i'm okay but that's not what gets me

What hurts the most, was being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
Never knowing, what could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do

It's hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go
But i'm doing it
It's hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and i'm alone
Still harder getting up, getting dressed, living with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade, give away all the words that I saved in my heart
that I left unspoken

What hurts the most, is being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
Never knowing, what could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do

I'm not afraid to cry
Every once in a while even though goin on with you gone
Still upsets me
There are days every now and again
i pretend i'm okay but that's not what gets me

What hurts the most, was being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing, what could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do

Utter Disgrace

2008-04-14T18:09:00.006+08:00

Yep. Talking bout myself. I utterly, eternally disgraced myself in front of him and a few other crew. Whatever happened to 'the earlier and more determined to let go now, the more space and dignity you'll leave yourself when you look back one day'????

I never knew that... to ignore someone is such a difficult and yet easy thing to do. It just feels like... hell froze over that area the person is in. Your eyes magically skip that spot he's on. U tell yourself there's a gaping hole there but yet you're conscious of his every move.

The entire flight i didn't look at him. Not once. I simply didn't dare to. Until that talk in the crew room. I just stared and wondered could this be the person I have so been wanting to be with? Why do I not recognise him now? What happened to all the sweetness and tenderness he once looked at me with? Now there's only hatred and disgust.

I shall start with the beginning of the flight itself. Since my fish's memory will prolly fail me in a couple of days' time, this will be a record for posteriority. I wanna remember this. And everytime I feel weak I will come back and read this.

He was the last crew to come into the room besides the IFSS. Sherrill was sitting nearest the door but he did not intro to her. Later i realised not only I noticed that. I stood up and introduced myself. I got a glare in return and that was it.

I went for the flight in quite a bad condition. I didn't eat, didn't sleep and all the alcohol from the last night was in my stomach still. Oh i missed the part about.. I naively asked if we could do the flight like how it was supposed to be. Maybe that's just me. I know the answer but I still hope. As long as there's a glimmer of hope i'll try.

Anyway he said he cannot cheat on karen anymore. And he suggested i think about it and there's still a few more minutes to report sick. I was already preparing. At that moment it struck me. I was the one who had to change for the flight. Y do i have to report sick now? Y can't YOU report sick?

I worked with Sherrill on the way up. She was B2 he was J2. He kept coming down to help. So much so that everyone noticed. CS even joked bout it. In the crew bus they sat together and didn't join us for lunch. Do you know how it feels? To be that near and yet so far from a person that u love? I wondered on the bus.. If she hadn't been on the flight, how would it have been like?

When we got to our rooms, Tricia wanted to go buy stuff to eat. I accompanied her cos i wanted to get water. For him. Yes i know. Stoopid. But i really did. I wanted to just leave it outside his room. We went but Coles wasn't open yet and actually nothing was open. So we had to go back again.

When i came down for lunch and tricia said they weren't coming, i knew. But what can i do about it right? I spent a long time waiting in my room, willing the phone to ring, hoping it'll be him. I waited till I fell asleep. But....

After lunch when we were on our way to The Bottle Shop, i had this call from an unknown number. I thought it was my grannie. When i picked up, the lady asked if i'm Irene and I said yes speaking. Then she said: Is Hermann with you? I was shocked. I asked who it was but she didn't wanna reply. So i just said he's not. I asked if she's karen but she hung up and i smsed him telling him karen called looking for him.

Tricia is the best witness. She heard everything.

So we bought our alcohol and went back to my LS room. The conversation kept turning back to him and Sherrill. Every ten mins or so someone will bring it up. LS or LSS or IFSS. And they say... suggestive things bout what they're doing. My face just got blacker and blacker and with more alcohol I just got more agitated.

I think i finished like 4 bottles of beer in 1 hour. Forbidden Fruit and Grand Cru so i was really mixed up inside. I started crying and wanted to leave the room. The next thing i rem i was outside, knocking on his door. But then again, i have smses in my phone from him that he can't talk now and to tell the ifss later. This part.. i really have no recollection.

The next thing i rem, everyone was gone from the room except for me, him n ifss. Subsequently when i was alone i wondered where did tricia n lss go. But anyway... i just kept crying and crying and i wondered. How can u bear to let someone u claim to love suffer so much? How can u look at me in that state and tell me that karen is too afraid of me to call? I think if i remember correctly she called and he asked if she called me and she denied. If u have the guts to call then y not admit it? I thought about it. Even if she didn't, she asked someone to? The fact is that it happened.

*Edited to add: In the end it ended pretty badly. In fact.. I fainted in the lift lobby but i think he thought i was drunk and plonked me on the armchair. I made out some murmuring but don't know what happened too. Forced myself to go back to my room and just collapsed outside. When i opened my eyes again my pouch and keys and coins and everything were scattered outside my room door and I was slumped against the wall. It hit me then. How pathetic I am and how heartless you are.*

And the reality is that when push comes to shove u just don't believe me. Karen is like the angel cos she did nothing wrong and you cheated on her. But i'm the bitch who spoilt everything and made her commit suicide. But... ultimately who's the one hurting her? When did it become my fault? I take my fair share of responsibility. But then again.. if it's not me it'll be another girl... right?

All i had to say.. it's not bout bringing up the past. It's about closure. Becos i hope.. you feel some responsibility towards me. Obviously not. Ifss thinks i don't know how to play the game. She was wrong. I do.. I've been taught the rules of this game in a most cruel and heartless fashion. I know.

I thought about it before telling Karen. It wasn't spur of the moment, it wasn't out of bitterness, it wasn't in hope that u guys will split and I'd have a chance. I know that by doing it u'll hate me. I know that by doing it i'm giving u a chance to blame me. I know that by doing it u'll feel even more guilty towards Karen. I know that by doing it... i'll push u back to her. I know... and i did it. Regardless whether u believe it or not NOW, i hope that 1 day u will. I hope that 1 day in ur heart u'll realise or remember that Irene is not such a person. I hope you remember the Irene that you wanted to be with.

Becos end of the day. U were right ironically. I'm a fantasy. And fantasies don't belong in the real world. When u wake up, when u see karen... everything else vanishes. Doesn't matter how beautiful it was. Doesn't matter how sad it'll be. I went into it willingly. I waited, trusted and believed. The only thing i didn't do was to not push u. Cos if didn't push u all the time, trust me, we'd have done this flt tog happily. And we'd have dragged on and on.

I know you don't believe me. I guess it doesn't matter. In the sense that.. I'm hurt u don't trust me. But it doesn't matter to u cos that's not what u care about anymore. To this day, I've never called u, never thought of u as a player or bastard. Even when I heard Sherrill in ur room.

Letting go is difficult. Cos there're so many things i don't understand. Like y things changed so drastically after SFO. There's so many things I wanna say but you're not interested in hearing anymore. There's no closure for me.

But 1 thing is certain. Now that i've dragged your name through the mud; Now that i've belittled and degraded myself; Now that i've plunged myself into the depths of disgrace, everything can only get better right?

For both you and me.

On the bus ride back today. I purposely sat right at the back but.. you guys just had to come sit near me. U didn't have to sit with her but u did. We all guessed why but i don't wanna think of you like that. Not at all. I was listening to a song repeatedly. And that song is for you.

Rascal Flatts: My Wish

I hope the days come easy and the moments pass slow,
and each road leads you where you want to go,
and if you're faced with a choice, and you have to choose,
I hope you choose the one that means the most to you.

and if one door opens to another door closed,
I hope you keep on walkin' 'til you find the window,
if it's cold outside,
show the world the warmth of your smile,
but more than anything,
more than anything

My wish, for you,
is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
your dreams stay big, your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,

and while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you,
and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

I hope you never look back, but ya never forget,
all the ones who love you, in the place you left,
I hope you always forgive, and you never regret,
and you help somebody every chance you get

Oh, you find God's grace, in every mistake,
and always give more then you take.
But more than anything,
Yeah, and more than anything

My wish, for you,
is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,

and while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you,
and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

My wish, for you,
is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
your dreams stay big, your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
and while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you,
and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.
this is my wish

All Good Things Must Come To An End

2008-04-12T17:29:00.002+08:00

I think i'm hopeless. I actually smsed him. Was tossing and turning and trying to sleep. Couldn't get the Sherrill coincidence out of my head. So i msged him.

I know my feelings won't go away instantly. Maybe after countless nights of mj and alcohol to numb the pain, i'll be okay. How long this time? I dunno. All i know is.. I don't want his last memory of me to be this bad. And i don't wanna remember him like this also.

So i asked him if we could do this flight like how it was supposed to be when i changed for it. Sometimes i feel like the dumbest creature on Earth. Like.. how to when things are so bad and he has a.... friend(?) on board?

That's my problem you know. Hope is my problem. I hope too much. Hope for too much.

Paranoia

2008-04-12T12:50:00.002+08:00

I just realised what I found so familiar. The name of this fss that wanted to change for ADL. She was on the same icn sfo as him. And she's asking for adl 2 days before the flight. A bit last min right? I dunno. Maybe i'm getting paranoid. Maybe my system is so highly-strung i see things differently now.

It shouldn't bother me. That's the prob. It shouldn't but it does. Maybe it'll be good. Maybe if i physically see him being nice or close to someone else other than Karen it's gonna plunge me so deep that i won't feel anything for him anymore.

We went to Lunar yest. I had so many drinks. Was worse than at Powerstation the last time. U know Denise and gang. My bro and John were there also so I knew they'd take care of me. Though John was giving my bro probs. At some point i was real upset and raving. They msged him. He... didn't? couldn't? wanna come get me.

After that i sobered up a little. I just couldn't bloody forget no matter how much more i drank. Then i started smsing him again. Levine started ranting and it was the first time i saw him cry. I understood how he felt and i know no matter how much i wanna knock sense into him it wouldn't work. Cos... it's the same for me isn't it.

This morning Chia told me the things he smsed her. Y does everyone always like to be seen as a good guy still? When u've done so many bastardly or unkind things? Like Colin. Like Chris. Like Shyan sometimes when he's just being wishy washy. Like..... him.

U already told me u can't end it with her before i told her what happened. Y do u still put it such that u were ending things and i had to 'help out'? Essentially u told me it's over between us. Don't twist and turn the story. It's tiring to talk to you simply cos u have no guts to admit to anything. If you wanna let me go, do it properly. Don't leave any trace of hope. And things wouldn't be how they are now.

When will I ever find my tree amongst all these weeds?

It's All Over

2008-04-11T18:50:00.002+08:00

I did sthg i never imagined i would do last night. I told on him. And... it went exactly like how i thought it would. For better or worse.

Okie some guy just walked into the room. My bro's friend. Kinda awkward now. Will continue later.

My PC crashed. Damn!

HKG-SFO 02-09 April

2008-04-09T21:24:00.004+08:00

I swear doing SQ2 is not good for my bank account AT ALL. I spent like almost 2k this trip. *SssSsSShHhhhHhh*

Was trying to take pics of all the stuff i bought. Then realised the pics don't do my clothes justice so.. scratch that. It all started with my lemming to switch to SKII skincare after the facial at Raffles City made me realise hey! I'm not sensitive to the products anymore.

Add to that a 20% discount at DFS and I'm sold. I bought Facial Treatment Essence, Facial Treatment Clear Lotion, Basic Trial Set, Skin Rebooster, Aqua Physics moisturiser, Repair C and Signs Treatment Totality (Mommy's birthday pressie) and they all set me back $7XX. Yeah.. so even before i started work i was in deficit of bout 800 bucks. =p

Shyan asked me what did i buy and i started counting:
3 tops from Causeway Bay and 1 pair of shorts plus many SKII masks in HKG
1 pair of jeans and 2 tops from American Eagle
2 tops and 2 pairs of shorts from Old Navy
8 pairs of thongs and 6 bottles of bodycare stuff from Victoria Secrets
2 tops from Bebe
1 top from Guess
1 cutsie jacket with matching puppet gloves from Paul Frank
1 top and 1 boxsie from Uniqlo

Hmmmm not a whole lot right? I forgot to bring my mamasan bag but well I still had space in my cargo bag. *shrugs* And of course I had my dose of Cheesecake Factory and mango dessert. And i found another brand of designer jeans to waste money on. Killah! Their back pockets are so nice! You should go check them out online. Too bad i don't get to do 300er flights or else I can get them in Milan or Rome. Did i say too bad? Maybe it's a blessing in disguise. =p

Been spending like there's no tomorrow. Maybe i don't believe that there's a tomorrow that i'll be looking forward to. Dunno. Been feeling kinda empty recently. Don't know how to put it into words exactly. Which is why i thought of writing my first Chinese blog entry. Cos i saw this tv programme on MSTV (some Macau station) which had 2 male celebrity guests talking bout their most memorable and unforgettable relationships.

They had this female guest writer and she sorta doubles up as a psychoanalyst of their character and experiences. And it was spine-tingling how she hit their emotions spot on when they themselves couldn't express it. Amazing. I wish i could be like that. Sometimes i feel that.. adopting other people's problems makes your own seem less significant. But of cos the side effects are hazardous. You kinda double your problems. It works like gambling. Double or nothing. Haha. Okie.... out of point.

My PC isn't equipped with the hanyu pinyin software though. Weird. I thought i downloaded it aeons ago. Prolly have to use my cute little lappie. There were some things she advised the celebrities that hit me as... truths of life. You know sometimes.. somehow.. even though you know certain things but reality often blurs them up? Like.. it all depends on which angle you look at it?

Take the dotted lines on the road for example. I forgot what their official name is but let's just call them dotted lines for now! If u stand vertical, looking at them from a 12 o'clock position, it looks like a straight continuous line isn't it? But it isn't! It's a broken, dotted line. So when people tell you 'things are not what you perceive them to be' tell them to stuff it! Cos that's why it's called a perception. Becos when no one can tell you what it definitely-101% confirm-guarantee-plus-chop is.. then it's up to you to make out what it is.

And you know sthg? Perception is more powerful than the truth. Like Nazis perceived Hitler was bringing them greatness and not creating destruction. Like people on placebos perceive they're getting proper treatment and medication and not sugary pills. And back to what I always preach: If i cannot feel that you love me... does that mean that you don't? It might not. You might love me in your own little way. BUT since i'm on the receiving end, since i don't feel it, can you claim to love me? Effectively?

Okie i'm... rambling. But when i can't sleep i keep thinking bout all these nonsensical n rhetorical stuff. I guess i'm really too free. I want to pick up all my sports again and lose the weight i gained since training school!

Today Va related his experience of how in the past he used to take care of his outward appearance when going out, in public etc and how he couldn't care less now. Gave me an interesting insight. We.. doll up basically either becos 1) we wanna look good for ourselves or 2) for others. But essentially we wanna look good for ourselves cos we feel good and that comes from an external source.

Okie to simplify things.. I told him he stopped simply becos he's not bothered anymore. He doesn't have to look good for other people. Becos he's not looking... Not looking for attention, for chances to try and so on.

Morale of the story is... I just spent 2k looking good for all of you. Don't you feel loved? ;)

Exhausted

2008-04-09T20:56:00.001+08:00

I have a lot of things I wanna say, a lot of emotions that are pent-up, a lot of grievances that I don't know how to address.

I'm on the verge of breaking down. Almost there.

你不是好情人

2008-03-30T21:33:00.003+08:00

Came across this MV while on Youtube. Suits me to a T. Perfect.

我知你想走因愛得我未夠
明知你覺得玩厭時候
萬樣借口
曾聽你說我姊妹過分賣力
便是愛盡頭
這種愛沒法接受

我知沒了電因你一向善變
明顯我信得到愛情後便大過天
誰知你懶去檢點
我像賣藝賣盡我笑臉
原諒也徒然我太犯賤
你未道別便愛多天

痛恨你這情人非好情人
你閒來出手勾引
如今教我驚震
被你熱吻是狂賣性感
夢中情人極好品
我誤信
我靠真心改變緣份
我也真太笨 (就是被狂吻)
無能為力也苦吻(情人同樣變心)

已經沒眼淚戀愛非錯便對
明知與你相戀多長命
亦未會娶曾聽說
你那顆心愛定事業
現在有著誰其實當玩具
偶爾玩累再遇玩具便會想追

我讓我得到卻未到
令我更相信漫遊花都無芳草
我哭泣喝著醋

Perfect Example

2008-03-30T12:57:00.002+08:00

Of why i said u're always contradicting yourself.

"In a relationship I will always go to my gf. And i treat you as my gf."

So it means we're not in a relationship but you treat me like ur gf? But so then why do you not come to me or call or even sms and I have to do it? Especially when i leave your house sad.

Most of the time i'm not even upset. Irritated yes. Upset nope. But you keep insisting I am. If i'm not even bothered by the situation then you should be worried. So the more you insist the more upset I become. Then it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

It's impossible to talk to you. Simply cos you don't listen and you think you know. You assume you can second guess how i'd react. And you think whatever that u're doing is the best for us. For yourself maybe. For you and her probably. For me? No.

When you truly love someone (i give up saying 'if' in case i get pouinced for that again), you don't give up on that person. Which is why despite your many many failed attempts at resolving the situation. I still hung on. But you?

Every few days you'd tell me you want us to be together. Then couple of hours later you think we can't. Then we keep ding-donging like this. Now the last straw comes when i tell you i think we're incompatible and you tell me it's cos she's in the picture. Which kind of logic is that?

And instead of believing we can work things out, now, today you're telling me you agree. Who's leaving who with no choice? You keep saying you're mature. But i think in this whole situation, you're the most selfish, least committed and the majorly indecisive one. Even she knows what she wants and I don't doubt she's trying to maintain it. But you?

You keep screaming bout what you want. Are you acheiving it? Yes don't remind me. In steps right? So now when I say okie do it your way and your time, i'm being sacarstic. So...

I will just shut up.

You Went Back on Your Word.

2008-03-28T00:47:00.002+08:00

What's new?

From now on... you're just another one of those SQ bastards.

你们都一样

Sleep Debt

2008-03-27T23:03:00.005+08:00

I think i've been depriving myself of sleep. SO much so that i fell asleep at Revive just now! Goodness...

Haven't been sleeping well nor much these days. Miss the old days whereby I can just knock out for 16 hrs straight. Now whenever my hp rings I'll jump up and can't go back to sleep again.

After 14 hrs 20 mins of being B2

I've been spending a lot lately. A lot. On myself, Mommy, changing currency aka shopping etc. Just got new trainers and i HOPE it'll make me feel guilty enough to actually use them. =p Was sort of calculating my expenses with Mommy just now. I say sort of cos... I don't really dare add them all up. We got to excess of 2k and i stopped. *brrrrrr*

Hence I've decided to curb my spending from 1st April onwards. So in the meantime i better change all my money ready for my long trips. Wahahaha =p

My new nails straight out of NailMax. Well we changed the design of the roses a little. I love it!

THE Money-saving trip

2008-03-25T12:40:00.003+08:00

This will go down in history as the shortest (5 day COP), the most boring, the least shopping and the most eating sq28 i've ever done!

First of all, we had to pax back on sq27, not even the direct 37. Secondly, we had to land on Easter and for some weird reason that even the locals cannot fathom, all the malls are closed. Yes!! The horror!!

So.. in the end I just ate.. and ate... and ate. Haha.. bought tons of titbits for the 14h15m + 4h05m flight back. Had beef noodles while on transit and i bought Doraemon's fave food for my crew. Delicious!

Was quite a nice trip actually. Apart from the disappointment. Plus i couldn't go Disney anyway cos from the crew room, the carpark was CRAWLING with cars cos it was spring break cum Easter.

As usual i'm B2 again on the long sector. And as usual (thank god!) I had a nice GS who helped me load meals and replenish cos as usual I was too engrossed in the cabin. Butbut i must complain bout my CS. He's... he just doesn't lift a finger at all! At all.

Suppser service i loaded 6 carts by myself, did all the ice-cream, C/T, everything! My poor B4 had to do the entire tray distribution herself. I only helped her with... 1 row. =p Super overloaded! But well breakfast service GS came down to help so yeah. For the first time i didn't have to change meals myself too. Wahahaha...

Although i've realised it pretty early on in life but it never fails to make me amazed at how guys are very willing to help.... more attractive people. I don't think only guys are guilty of this but girls as well? *chope* I don't think i'm attractive lah. So i think i'm lucky that I meet nice people.

At least i went ktv in Tao Yuan and i got to eat my shabu shabu. =p

Awakening

2008-03-22T05:09:00.001+08:00

I told u your promises are not reliable anymore. U've just proven me right again. U always have 1001 EXCUSES.

And as always.. even though you refuse to admit it... I always pale in comparison with her in terms of importance. U're always so much more willing to hurt me.

I accept it.

Anyway.. do you guys realise how difficult it is to get drunk when you want to.... very much? We just went ktv. It's 5.15am now and me and my gs shared 4 jugs of Taiwan beer. 4 freaking jugs and i'm still not drunk. I think i went to the toilet like more than 6 times. We're gonna shower and continue.

Deep down i knew you couldn't do it. Except that you kept saying you could and would. Maybe it's the best this way.

Somehow i sang really well tonight. Dunno why. Maybe it's the beer lol. I need to shower n go for round 2 at the gs's room le. I just feel... numb. Maybe it's all for the best. I relly really hope so. When i saw the sms i was so sad. My gs consoled me jokingly w/o knowing the true course. That he hit the nail on the head.

I.... wont change away the ADL. U can if u want to. I'll just take it that i don't know you cos... in reality... i don't think i ever did anyway..

Did You Hear That?

2008-03-20T20:30:00.001+08:00

The sound of my heart smashing to pieces..........

Effort

2008-03-19T00:41:00.002+08:00

Lately this word keeps popping into my mind a lot.

U know how since young, our parents, teachers, elders always used to say that well even if u failed, at least u tried your best? When i was younger i used to go like.. Precisely cos i tried my best and i still didn't get/win/complete it, it sucks even more.

And from then on.. I guess I never did try hard enough. Maybe i never had to. I'm lucky in that sense. For almost my entire life I always had the right people helping me at the right time. Peope that kept me out of trouble, people that helped me when I was in trouble. Never had to work to keep myself through school or things like that which made some of my friends the nice, humble people they are today.

And there's my job. It isn't rocket science. You know how seniors like to say no one is a born stewardess. I agree in that some characters are not suitable for the job but i maintain that anyone can do it. Just like you can train a monkey to fly a plane. All it takes is... effort.

Having said that.. Well you can't expect a miracle at times. Can't think of any offhand example but y6ou know what i mean. And some other times.. the results are not always instant. The rewards not gratifying enough. It might be too little and too late.

In fact I'm amazed at how I can treat you like dirt now and you just keep coming back. That would have never happened. And i'm beginning to see you in a new light. But i'm happy for you. Cos u're finally... putting in effort. And i still believe that ultimately... whether it's me or another person.. i'm still glad... that you did. =0)

On another note.. what i put on my blog seems depressing isn't it? But.. i like putting it down in words before forgetting bout them. Becos i do. And precisely becos i always forget bout how badly I've been treated, it makes sense to blog about it and not get cheated again. So i don't seem guillible right aiai? Hahaha...

Luke

2008-03-16T18:14:00.004+08:00

Yup the darling of my life. He's soooooooooo freakingly cute and lovely he NEVER fails to put a smile on my face. I miss that little monkey running head-on to me and calling Tutu-auntie.

Will be some time before i get to see him again though. Sigh.. I know i can always go visit but.. a bit awkward bah.

This is funnie! He went to Hanoi and fell in love with these purple sparkly slip-ons. And then when i was painting my nails for flight with Ling's polishes he came and wanted a purple one. So i did his big toe. He was so fascinated. Mike almost went crazy haha. He said it's insult on injury! I think he's gonna get shipped off to Outward Bound as soon as humanly possible. =o)

Monkey on the swing. He looks like he's having fun but he gets scared if you swing him too high. Hehe.. We like to see his furtive looks whenever he's scared but too proud to admit it.

Love you monkey. Really hope to see you soon. Am gonna start buying you a truckload of pressies for your birthday! =o)

傻瓜

2008-03-14T23:53:00.002+08:00

其实他做的坏事我们都懂
没有什么不同
眼光闪烁暧昧流动
闭上眼当作听说

其实别人的招数我们都懂
没有什么不同
故作软弱撒娇害羞
只是有一点别扭

傻瓜也许单纯地懂
爱得没那么做作
爱上了我不保留

傻瓜我们都一样
被爱情伤了又伤
相信这个他不一样
却又再一次受伤

傻瓜我们都一样
受了伤却不投降
相信付出会有代价
代价只是一句傻瓜

Liar Liar Pants on Fire

2008-03-14T03:45:00.000+08:00

~hermdee Feb 26, 2008, 9:36:19 AM
Orlallalala... i love you baby.

1) i cried the whole night, didn't sleep, landed 11pm, showered and still went to look for u bout 2am cos u said u have sthg to say.

2) u didn't say anything of consequence, nothing new to me. I left and went home again after 1/2 hr.

3) U wrote this before your HKG turn. And you still told me you almost didn't wake up in time.

3) U said u haven't been telling her u love her for quite a while.

4) U promised you won't call her baby anymore cos that's what u call me.

5) U LIED.

其实还爱你

2008-03-13T17:27:00.001+08:00

我讨厌阴天的风
冷得那么刺痛
只有你能够抚平所有的寂寞

昨天的风筝在角落
被谁丢到了路口
我很不想让你找到离开的理由

每一夜闭上眼睛
我看到了恶梦
你微笑但是旁边的人不是我

天空切开一道裂缝
直接割到我心中
不想装作脆弱
也不想爱得懦弱

其实我非常爱你不想失去你
难道我没有权利说我不愿意
你给了他的吻
虽然只有余温
可知道我多渴望抓住你的心

我知道他很爱你你怕他伤心
我每天假装开心害怕你离去
可不可以任性
求求你不要去
藏在我心里最后一句
其实还爱你

可不可以任性
求求你不要去
藏在我心里最后一句
其实还爱你